F.I.N.E.

How is it possible that I feel this disappointed in myself and my life? I have only that small shred of self confidence that fights so desperately to find the brightness in things, yelling at me "It will be okay. You are a daughter of God. You are loved. You have a lot going for you. Don't give up." It has to fight so hard because it knows that if it didn't then I would just give into the darkness. I would let myself fall and not care where I land whether it be on a street corner or six feet under. I just look at myself and the only way I can is by focusing on the one or two things I like about myself (my eyes and my hair or teeth usually). If I were to take my whole self in I get saddened and disgusted. I caught myself in the mirror at Stephanie's today and thought "Oh my god, is that what it looks like when I sit that way, crap!" I hate the way I look. I cannot stand how fat I am.
And yet I'm scared. And I doubt my willpower and ability. It is so easy to say " Well, I can make the changes necessary, I can exercise daily by going on little jog/walks" but then my self doubt creeps in "No you can't. You know that you'll do it for a week or two max and then you'll find some convenient excuse to skip it one day, and then another, and then pretty soon you're right back where you started. Because you're useless and have no staying power." Yeah, I am my own worst enemy, but then again, they say that this is common in the world, but it doesn't make my personal challenges any less real or important, or hard!
I just want things to be different. I have a friend who always says she feels like a failure as a wife because she's having troubles conceiving. She is a great wife to her luckiest-man-on-earth husband. I know how she feels though, now. I feel like I'm a failure as a woman because no man is attracted to me and no man wants to be with me. I feel like a failure as a person because I have no set education goals and am not really looking to set any. I am unfortunately set in this rut where I just want to survive until something comes along to take care of me- to where I don't have to worry about it anymore. I think I might be waiting for a bus to hit me or something. I honestly would be scared if I counted how many times I thought about myself dying.
I guess for now though, I'm just going to have to be okay with being F.I.N.E.

Dr. Jekyll Anyone?

So, apparently I am a mean person who tells people to leave from activities and makes them feel unwelcome - who then deserves to be talked about behind my back in front of others who did not know anything about what really happened and were just listening to the gossip of others and relying on it as truth. Way to go me.
Yeah, so I was not mean. I was stern if nothing else. I am not about to let some random guys who are immature get Scott & Dave in trouble at their apartment complex just because they want to have a little fun. I simply told them to respect the rules or disrespect them somewhere else.
This age gap is annoying.