Fire Insurance.... or lack there of

I am not a full tithes payer. I'll put it right out there because I know that I don't and there is no since in sinning more by lying and saying that I do.
I get really stressed out about money. There never seems to be enough. I wish that I had been smarter and not buried myself into this pile of debt that now waits to crush me. I wish there had not been unexpected expenses or costly car maintenance that was not urgent but necessary all the same (new tires, suspension, ect.)
The problem is, deep down I know that if I just pay my tithing, everything else will work out fine. I just do not have a strong enough faith to act that way. I'm so worried about paying everyone else, that I try to justify my actions, in vain unfortunately. Every time I see someone else hand over a tithing envelope or see the envelopes on the wall I know that I should be doing the same or filling one out... I wish I wasn't such a coward. I want to be strong. I know it is right.
I'm going to do it. I know it is right and I know that if I pay my tithing everything else will work out someway. I'll go back to eating PB&J more often, but my tithing will be paid. I might get a late payment fee from my card company, but my tithing will be paid. I may have to ask to pay some things later to others, but my tithing will be paid.
I hope I feel this sure on Friday when I get paid. I pray that I will.

**sigh**

I have an extremely rebellious will. I'm like a little child who doesn't do what she's told just because she was told to do it and would gladly do the opposite just to be obstinate. I don't get it. I still feel really lost.

Three a.m. - New Year's Resolution

I have a loss of emotions right now. Well, not exactly, but it felt almost right to type. I feel lots of things, but nothing specific except maybe confusion. I just can't figure it out. I need to figure it out. I DO believe so many things and want to believe so many others - to have a firm testimony of them. I am scared though. Scared I might not be strong enough to get there, not strong enough to stay the course, not brave enough to forsake things.
I haven't prayed in a while. A long while. I don't remember why I stopped, but every night before I go to sleep I think - even if only briefly - I should pray, but then I don't. It's not like it is a hardship to get down on my knees and pray. I don't usually do it on my knees. Usually cross-legged on my bed. Plus, I gave in. I was not strong enough. I was so weak. I know He loves me and would forgive me, but I feel so bad asking for forgiveness for something that I cannot promise with 100% surety that I will never do again. Isn't that the purpose of repentance, to forsake the sin? Isn't it written that those who sin knowingly, saying it is all right because we can repent, are damned or something of that nature? I think it does. I tremble on the inside hearing that verse because I know I've thought that before.
I will NEVER believe that my Heavenly Father doesn't love me and that it is too late for me. Those feelings that I am unworthy of His love and that I am a failure are not coming from Him. It's like a warm fuzzy blanket around my heart, His love. It squeezes me until tears gather at the corner of my eyes, threatening to fall until at last they run.
I WILL ALWAYS BELIEVE THAT MY HEAVENLY FATHER LOVES ME. I WILL NEVER EVER DOUBT THAT. I WILL SAY MY PRAYERS VOCALLY & IN MY HEART ALWAYS. I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON MYSELF. I will not give up on myself because I know that there is a way prepared for me. I just need to find the path again through this mist, grasp the guiding rod, and never, ever let go again.