Three a.m. - New Year's Resolution

I have a loss of emotions right now. Well, not exactly, but it felt almost right to type. I feel lots of things, but nothing specific except maybe confusion. I just can't figure it out. I need to figure it out. I DO believe so many things and want to believe so many others - to have a firm testimony of them. I am scared though. Scared I might not be strong enough to get there, not strong enough to stay the course, not brave enough to forsake things.
I haven't prayed in a while. A long while. I don't remember why I stopped, but every night before I go to sleep I think - even if only briefly - I should pray, but then I don't. It's not like it is a hardship to get down on my knees and pray. I don't usually do it on my knees. Usually cross-legged on my bed. Plus, I gave in. I was not strong enough. I was so weak. I know He loves me and would forgive me, but I feel so bad asking for forgiveness for something that I cannot promise with 100% surety that I will never do again. Isn't that the purpose of repentance, to forsake the sin? Isn't it written that those who sin knowingly, saying it is all right because we can repent, are damned or something of that nature? I think it does. I tremble on the inside hearing that verse because I know I've thought that before.
I will NEVER believe that my Heavenly Father doesn't love me and that it is too late for me. Those feelings that I am unworthy of His love and that I am a failure are not coming from Him. It's like a warm fuzzy blanket around my heart, His love. It squeezes me until tears gather at the corner of my eyes, threatening to fall until at last they run.
I WILL ALWAYS BELIEVE THAT MY HEAVENLY FATHER LOVES ME. I WILL NEVER EVER DOUBT THAT. I WILL SAY MY PRAYERS VOCALLY & IN MY HEART ALWAYS. I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON MYSELF. I will not give up on myself because I know that there is a way prepared for me. I just need to find the path again through this mist, grasp the guiding rod, and never, ever let go again.