Finding Time

So, I made an important decision after a random realization - the kind you already knew, but hadn't thought aloud to yourself before - I am tired for all the wrong reasons and need to start becoming exhausted the way I used to be. I realized that I was much happier when I was going to school every morning, taking care of real things that mattered between school and work (like homework!), and going to work. I was physically tired, but I was charged with the positive energy of knowing I was accomplishing worthwhile tasks. I, of late, have become exhausted and tired because I am slacking off way too much. I stay up all hours of the night watching meaningless tv shows online, sleeping in way to late in the morning and skipping class, and watching more tv in my downtime between classes. What has happened to me?! Why have I allowed myself to do this to myself?! It is not that I have more to do, I just do not prioritize the way I should be. I sometimes wish I could take some of the responsibility of keeping myself on track off of myself and have like a personal scheduler who would keep me on task, but alas, I need to be accountable for my own actions. I need to get to sleep at a decent hour- schoolwork only permitting, I need to go to class each morning - despite how tired I may be, I need to use my downtime between school and work for worthwhile tasks - like homework assignments or walking the dog, cleaning my room, ect, and I need to remember to get my daily spiritual charge for such tasks as regular morning and evening prayer, daily scripture study, daily study of Preach My Gospel, and daily journal entries -not to be confused with this blog. I need to make sure that my time is being utilized in the most meaningful manner possible, so that when I really am exhausted I know that it is because I have been anxiously engaged in good works and that there is no way I could do more, instead of being because I slept too much or ate too much sugary foods and am slipping into a sugar coma nap. I am deeply impressed that this will bring much more happiness and joy into my life and cannot wait to get with the program. I realize that in order to get into this routine I need to be as proactive as possible and not even allow myself to slack by saying "oh, this will be hard and it will take me a while to adjust." No! I cannot do that because then I am just giving myself an excuse to not perform at the top of my game!! I am going to start tonight! No staying up late to watch tv shows or do anything not worthwhile. I am excited about this and know that it will only do me good! I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father and his loving patience with me as I strive to become a better child. I am forever indebted to my loving Savior, Jesus Christ, and pray that I may be able to take better advantage of the wonderful atonement wrought for me. I pray that by living my life to the fullest in a good way I will be worthy of the companionship of the Comforter and personal revelation to help me through trials and to inspire myself and the sisters who have been placed in my care. I am so grateful for all the blessings I have in my life, particularly my family. Amen.

Whelmed

So, I'm utterly confused. I just don't know how to deal with all this. There are way too many emotions involved. I'm sad, jealous, depressed, lonely, and really really just want to cry. I cannot find out what's wrong. I cannot even accurately describe all this. I feel really strange.
Not really overwhelmed anymore. Not really underwhelmed. Just whelmed. I want someone to hug other than my puppy. I know that a boy won't fix anything, but it'd be nice to have someone. I am slightly jealous that Ashley comes back down to Wichita this weekend, after being gone for a while and get a date. Plus have another guy want her. I am not as spontaneous. I just cannot be that free-spirited. I wish I had answers. I wish I had the strength to be myself. I wish I knew who I was.

Like Quicksand....

so i am struggling. it seems like the more i try to organize things to get things together, the more i fall apart. i feel like i finally understand what my dad and brothers say about letting others do things and not micro managing everything. i find it extremely difficult to relinquish control to others when what they are doing has the potential to reflect back poorly on myself. i sometimes, okay frequently, wish there was more time in the day or more of me so i could do everything. i am so frustrated that i constantly settle for letting myself slack off when i demand so much of myself. i hate myself sometimes. like why did i have to sleep this morning instead of just toughing it out and going to school and the doctor. well, back to work for me.