So, yeah, I have some serious hurdles to work over, which sucks because my center of gravity is so low :P But seriously. I have come to realize, more so than normal, that the reason why I am so desperate, yes it is a correct term to use no matter how negative it sounds, for companionship: it is because I am so unhappy being alone. I am unsatisfied with the overall person that I am.
Now I can find a number of small reasons to love myself on a daily basis; my eyes are pretty, my hair looks good today, I kept my room clean (for today), ect... However, when I look at the total package, I am horrified and saddened by what I am confronted with. It takes a huge amount of will power to take it all in (and this is not just a fat joke at my own expense), I am seriously unhappy with who I am.
Usually when I get like this I put my blinders back on and only focus on those things that I like about myself, just pushing the other things back into the closet of my mind. However, on nights like tonight - when I've been bombarded by sappy love songs and desperately wanting a guy to hang out with - those closet doors bust open and all of the self hatred and sadness comes busting out to the surface. It just gets me down. I need help finding a way to "clean up" the mess. To get rid of the clutter and actually have a whole package that I am proud of.
Now, for anyone who knows me, none better than myself of course, I HATE cleaning my room. Usually I have to be in a spectacular mood and be pumped up by great singing music. That high only lasts on the rough average of an hour though... so yeah, the daunting task that my mind closet presents is horrifying. I have the same issue I always have when I even attempt to start this process. I'm all gung-ho at the beginning and then a week (or even a few days) later I am back to my old ways excusing myself for giving up. I mean seriously, I paid the YMCA for nearly 10 months of service and only used them for two months, irregularly at that. I am a push over because I kept telling myself that I would go back again.
I seriously lack a staying willpower and as much as I want to improve for myself, there is constantly a nagging thought that "no man wants a fat, unmotivated, unhealthy, sloppy girl." And that thought is right, no man who is worth wanting anyway. I mean, I read Daniel's profile on Facebook, I had NO idea how smart he is and what he does for a living. I was SO intimidated and immediately cowed into the idea that I'm not good enough for him. Which sucks, because I'm usually not good enough for them. I think I lack a lot of self confidence and I believe that seriously hurts my chances at finding someone. However, I do realize, that in order to be the other half to someone's whole, I need to be a whole half first. That makes sense mathematically I'm sure.
So, I blog out all the frustrations and pain. I set goals in my head, but where does that take me tomorrow? I think I'll just go for a walk. A long one. We'll see what thoughts are there after my walk.
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One question: Have you ever talked to someone about depression? That beast can be hard to recognize, accept, and kill. But what you wrote sounds similar to thoughts that overwhelmed me while in the depths of depression. I pray that you can realize how amazing and awesome you are and that you are worthy of much joy and happiness.
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