Glimpses

I get these glimpses sometimes at church, where it feels like the fog is lifting and there is "hope smiling brightly before me," but then the doubt kicks in and I'm lost again. I feel as though my fingers are lightly touching the iron rod and I am gliding along, never losing touch of it, but not grasping tightly. I feel stuck in the same rut I was in when I was in KS, but with fewer friends and family to lean on. I'm not able to come to any solid decision about my future and I am scared because I do not know what the future might hold. I know what I would desire it to hold, but I often am so afraid that it is too late, that I wasn't good enough to deserve those promised blessings. Is it too late? It scares me so much to think so. And yet, despite this great fear that lives within me, I do nothing to shine the light on the problems that would bar the way and do nothing to adjust my lifestyle and attitude to fix said problems. I KNOW I should read my scriptures and say my prayers daily, but do I? No. Why? I am lazy. I KNOW I should pay my tithing faithfully, do I? No. Why? I worry too much about the temporal things and I have wanton whims that I fulfill instead of budgeting wisely. I frustrate myself to no end. And yet I sit here on the verge of tears because I am so sick of what I am and want to desperately change, but know that tomorrow, I will not do anything differently. I moved to Utah to change my pace of life... I honestly haven't. I still do all the same things I did in Kansas. So what was the point of the move? I felt good about coming here. I felt that it was the right thing to do. I prayed about it and knew it was the right thing to do. But I haven't done anything to make life here better. I haven't done anything to progress. I guess I just expected things to get better because I was in a new city and surrounded by new people who didn't know me for who I truly am, even though there were few in Wichita who did either. (Remember to remove eye makeup before crying because it burns!) But seriously, I just wonder what on earth is wrong with me. Why do I allow myself to be so weak? Why do I lack the faith? That is what it is too. I lack the faith to strive diligently. Here I sit, twenty six and single, worried that I will be single forever due to my physical appearance, when also I worry that the reason I'm still single is because I have not been living the way that I should be. I have not been doing that I should. And I worry that it is too late. I wonder Why try when it might be too late? But then it might NOT be too late. There is a chance, if I have faith and hope, that it is NOT too late. That I CAN achieve those blessings still. But here comes the great caveat- I HAVE TO START LIVING THE WAY I AM SUPPOSED TO BE! I have to read my scriptures DAILY, I have to pray CONSTANTLY, I have to pay my tithing FAITHFULLY. and most of all, I have to not let my self fall back into the rut. I have to not let myself take the easy road of coasting with my fingers barely touching the Iron Rod. I need to grasp it as if my life depends on it, because in truth, my eternal life does.
I just worry that I am not strong enough - but my heart (and the Spirit) tells me that I don't have to be strong enough to do it alone. I need to realize that I cannot do it alone and that I will need to be reliant on the Lord.
I worry that I am all alone - when my heart tells me that I am never alone so long as I let Him in.
I'm scared - it is because I lack the faith that know that with Him I cannot fail as long as I put my whole heart & trust in Him.

What I wouldn't give to have those glimpses become my full vision - daily.