Heartburn

I worry about things. A lot. I have anxiety about making sure things get done. Not only done, but done right. I put little trust in people to do what I ask them because I am afraid it will not get done and I'll be without what I entrusted to them. I am scared that I am not enough. That what I have to give is not good enough. I let doubt rule my heart sometimes, a lot of times. Despair, is like dandelions, they need nothing to provoke them to spring up, likewise doubt will very natural to the natural man. I know that is not the exact quote, but it is close enough to suit my purposes. Hope. Hope. I wish I did not have to hope so much for things, that I just knew they would happen.
I feel distracted by so many things. I want so much to be free to dedicate my time to worthwhile causes, but I am being false to myself if I say that I would. Even now with my spare time I find myself "caught up in the thick of thin things." Facebook- while it is a handy tool to keep track of what is going on with people, I get so caught up in it. Spend way too much time on it. Watching shows on Hulu. The reason I do not have and do not want cable is because I know that I would just end up vegging in front of it. Much like I do with my laptop. Sigh. Change is hard.
Today I had tithing settlement with the Branch President. It was so hard. But I know that I have a testimony of it. I KNOW that everything will be fine if I just pay my tithing faithfully with real intent. I just wish I had kept that faith going earlier this year. More regrets, more stains to try and scrub away. Thank heavens we have the ultimate bleach in the atonement. Whiter than the driven snow! I want to live my life right. I want to be pure and clean and not worry about the little things. I want to take an eternal perspective to those things that bring me down.
I have a goal. Even if the stake president will not grant me my endowments next year, even if I'm worthy, if he wants me to wait until I'm older or going to be married, that is fine. I will still be ready for them. I want my life to be as clean as Earth right after rain, I want to do the best I can, to live with God again. I know I can. I feel the warm fuzzies in my heart telling me so (and it's not just heartburn from the meatloaf!)
Well, off to bed I go soon. Almost Thanksgiving break. Just one day of classes then just work Monday, Wednesday, and Friday - but time and a half then! Yay! I'm going to love that paycheck! Oh well. It will certainly help with some things. Plus... I'll pay my tithing!