I worry about things. A lot. I have anxiety about making sure things get done. Not only done, but done right. I put little trust in people to do what I ask them because I am afraid it will not get done and I'll be without what I entrusted to them. I am scared that I am not enough. That what I have to give is not good enough. I let doubt rule my heart sometimes, a lot of times. Despair, is like dandelions, they need nothing to provoke them to spring up, likewise doubt will very natural to the natural man. I know that is not the exact quote, but it is close enough to suit my purposes. Hope. Hope. I wish I did not have to hope so much for things, that I just knew they would happen.
I feel distracted by so many things. I want so much to be free to dedicate my time to worthwhile causes, but I am being false to myself if I say that I would. Even now with my spare time I find myself "caught up in the thick of thin things." Facebook- while it is a handy tool to keep track of what is going on with people, I get so caught up in it. Spend way too much time on it. Watching shows on Hulu. The reason I do not have and do not want cable is because I know that I would just end up vegging in front of it. Much like I do with my laptop. Sigh. Change is hard.
Today I had tithing settlement with the Branch President. It was so hard. But I know that I have a testimony of it. I KNOW that everything will be fine if I just pay my tithing faithfully with real intent. I just wish I had kept that faith going earlier this year. More regrets, more stains to try and scrub away. Thank heavens we have the ultimate bleach in the atonement. Whiter than the driven snow! I want to live my life right. I want to be pure and clean and not worry about the little things. I want to take an eternal perspective to those things that bring me down.
I have a goal. Even if the stake president will not grant me my endowments next year, even if I'm worthy, if he wants me to wait until I'm older or going to be married, that is fine. I will still be ready for them. I want my life to be as clean as Earth right after rain, I want to do the best I can, to live with God again. I know I can. I feel the warm fuzzies in my heart telling me so (and it's not just heartburn from the meatloaf!)
Well, off to bed I go soon. Almost Thanksgiving break. Just one day of classes then just work Monday, Wednesday, and Friday - but time and a half then! Yay! I'm going to love that paycheck! Oh well. It will certainly help with some things. Plus... I'll pay my tithing!
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Today Is My Birthday
Today is my birthday. I am 24 years old. Wiser, maybe. Older, when defined in years, yes. Oh well :)
I have no regrets on birthdays as I said before. They're just a day. Joseph said he would get me a toaster! (I've been craving toast lately, so BEST GIFT EVER if he remembers!
I do not have a new year's resolution to start on the start of a new calendar year, but a new birthday year. By this time next year I want to be worthy to start the process to receive my endowments. President Armstrong said he usually prefers people be 25 or have reached certain stepping stones in their lives.
How? Lots of hard work and dedication. I need to constantly remind myself what my goal is and I will obtain it. I want this.
*Daily scripture reading - no matter how short a time, even if it is just a verse, began and ended with a prayer.
*Daily prayers - sincere prayer morning and night.
*Obedience to the Word of Wisdom - this means exercise! I think my poison of choice will be walking the dog. Also, no "soft drinks" unless I'm out at dinner with someone (not family!)
*Chastity - I will refrain from listening to songs with vulgar lyrics or shows that contain subject matter that turn my brain back to those images and memories that I have yet to sponge away. I remain chaste and resist any and all temptations to stray from the law of chastity.
*Tithing - I WILL pay an honest tithe each and every paycheck. I have a testimony of it, I was just being stupid when I thought I would not meet end's meet without that money to spend. Peanut butter & Jelly are good enough!
I'm sure there is more I need, but I will revise later if need be. I need a way to stay the course. I believe if I continue to pray and ask each day for the strength to continue on this path I will do it! I will form good habits from these exercises and in a year's time they will be commonplace (as I wish they were years ago.)
Anyway - Happy Birthday to Me!!!
I have no regrets on birthdays as I said before. They're just a day. Joseph said he would get me a toaster! (I've been craving toast lately, so BEST GIFT EVER if he remembers!
I do not have a new year's resolution to start on the start of a new calendar year, but a new birthday year. By this time next year I want to be worthy to start the process to receive my endowments. President Armstrong said he usually prefers people be 25 or have reached certain stepping stones in their lives.
How? Lots of hard work and dedication. I need to constantly remind myself what my goal is and I will obtain it. I want this.
*Daily scripture reading - no matter how short a time, even if it is just a verse, began and ended with a prayer.
*Daily prayers - sincere prayer morning and night.
*Obedience to the Word of Wisdom - this means exercise! I think my poison of choice will be walking the dog. Also, no "soft drinks" unless I'm out at dinner with someone (not family!)
*Chastity - I will refrain from listening to songs with vulgar lyrics or shows that contain subject matter that turn my brain back to those images and memories that I have yet to sponge away. I remain chaste and resist any and all temptations to stray from the law of chastity.
*Tithing - I WILL pay an honest tithe each and every paycheck. I have a testimony of it, I was just being stupid when I thought I would not meet end's meet without that money to spend. Peanut butter & Jelly are good enough!
I'm sure there is more I need, but I will revise later if need be. I need a way to stay the course. I believe if I continue to pray and ask each day for the strength to continue on this path I will do it! I will form good habits from these exercises and in a year's time they will be commonplace (as I wish they were years ago.)
Anyway - Happy Birthday to Me!!!
Sunday, November 8, 2009
A Little Lost and Found
Today I was Lost and Found.
I lost my brain this evening as I struggle to put together this analysis paper for school. I never thought it would be SO HARD to analyze what it means to be a woman of the Church. How do you describe and analyze the process by which a girl matures into a woman through the teachings of the Church? I would love to know because I am finding it a very hard thing to do. My paper is due on Friday and I'm just now scrapping together a full-length rough draft. I am grateful to Brian for all his excellent ideas, I would have none of my own. I claim to be a woman. I am a woman. But what made me so? Was it just my age? When did I stop being a girl and become a woman? This topic has so fried my brain that I feel like just dropping it and starting all over again with a brand new, easier, prompt. I don't know what to do :(
I found out a lot of things today. Some things that made me extremely concerned and saddened. Some things that made me want to cry. Some things I found in my heart that I had only had in my head before. I found a desire to have a testimony of my own of the Prophet Joseph Smith. I have never doubted that he was a prophet, but at the same time I did not know with a surety that he was. I found myself at the verge of tears as I urged the sisters to come to know of his divine calling as the Prophet who ushered in this dispensation. I found the words unbidden coming from my heart as I was filled with the Spirit.
I found out tonight that I would not be able to attend the Temple on Saturday as the baptistry would be filled by both the wards assigned. It is a joyous reason to not be let in, to be full of willing and eager young people who are ready to do the work of the Lord, but it is also of great sadness to myself that I am not able to attend. I was REALLY looking forward to going to the Temple again before the year was out. My heart longs to be able to participate fully in the work of the Temple. I know that I am not yet fully prepared to do such, but I am striving within myself to become the woman I need to be in order to partake of those blessings. I am determined to achieve that goal by this time next year.
I found myself touched by the Spirit of the Lord. Knowing that He loves me SO MUCH! That I am his daughter and that He cares for me above all else, despite all that I have done to offend. I find the tears running down my cheeks as I feel the warm and fuzzy blanket of his love encircle me. They are not tears of sadness, but tears of deep gratitude and sorrow for not being the kind of woman I know I ought to be. I reget so much the things I did in the not so distant past that put me further away from the goals I had set for myself.
I found the memory of when I was called to service in Relief Society. How much I treasured the Lord's trust in me. How much I felt forgiven for my previous acts. How much love I have for the sisters in my ward and the people in my life. I was SO GLAD! Yet I broke His trust. I strayed. Worse yet, I put on a face of purity before those whom I had been given the sacred trust of looking after. I lied to myself, and to them, telling myself that I was truly sorrowful for the things which I had done. Yet I soon forgot any real sorrow as I succombed to them again. I had lost my way.
I found myself believing in His everlasting grace. Knowing that it was sufficient for me and that it was mine for the partaking if only I would. I know He lives. I know He loves me. I know Joseph Smith was a Prophet. He was divinely foreordained to usher in this dispensation of the fullness of times and bring to pass the translation of the Book of Mormon. He was a good man. I know that.
I lost my brain this evening as I struggle to put together this analysis paper for school. I never thought it would be SO HARD to analyze what it means to be a woman of the Church. How do you describe and analyze the process by which a girl matures into a woman through the teachings of the Church? I would love to know because I am finding it a very hard thing to do. My paper is due on Friday and I'm just now scrapping together a full-length rough draft. I am grateful to Brian for all his excellent ideas, I would have none of my own. I claim to be a woman. I am a woman. But what made me so? Was it just my age? When did I stop being a girl and become a woman? This topic has so fried my brain that I feel like just dropping it and starting all over again with a brand new, easier, prompt. I don't know what to do :(
I found out a lot of things today. Some things that made me extremely concerned and saddened. Some things that made me want to cry. Some things I found in my heart that I had only had in my head before. I found a desire to have a testimony of my own of the Prophet Joseph Smith. I have never doubted that he was a prophet, but at the same time I did not know with a surety that he was. I found myself at the verge of tears as I urged the sisters to come to know of his divine calling as the Prophet who ushered in this dispensation. I found the words unbidden coming from my heart as I was filled with the Spirit.
I found out tonight that I would not be able to attend the Temple on Saturday as the baptistry would be filled by both the wards assigned. It is a joyous reason to not be let in, to be full of willing and eager young people who are ready to do the work of the Lord, but it is also of great sadness to myself that I am not able to attend. I was REALLY looking forward to going to the Temple again before the year was out. My heart longs to be able to participate fully in the work of the Temple. I know that I am not yet fully prepared to do such, but I am striving within myself to become the woman I need to be in order to partake of those blessings. I am determined to achieve that goal by this time next year.
I found myself touched by the Spirit of the Lord. Knowing that He loves me SO MUCH! That I am his daughter and that He cares for me above all else, despite all that I have done to offend. I find the tears running down my cheeks as I feel the warm and fuzzy blanket of his love encircle me. They are not tears of sadness, but tears of deep gratitude and sorrow for not being the kind of woman I know I ought to be. I reget so much the things I did in the not so distant past that put me further away from the goals I had set for myself.
I found the memory of when I was called to service in Relief Society. How much I treasured the Lord's trust in me. How much I felt forgiven for my previous acts. How much love I have for the sisters in my ward and the people in my life. I was SO GLAD! Yet I broke His trust. I strayed. Worse yet, I put on a face of purity before those whom I had been given the sacred trust of looking after. I lied to myself, and to them, telling myself that I was truly sorrowful for the things which I had done. Yet I soon forgot any real sorrow as I succombed to them again. I had lost my way.
I found myself believing in His everlasting grace. Knowing that it was sufficient for me and that it was mine for the partaking if only I would. I know He lives. I know He loves me. I know Joseph Smith was a Prophet. He was divinely foreordained to usher in this dispensation of the fullness of times and bring to pass the translation of the Book of Mormon. He was a good man. I know that.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Inspection of Self
I have noticed lately that I am a severely mentally judgemental person. I constantly make derogatory or snide remarks in my head regarding the people around me. All of these remarks are extremely prideful because I am going off the assumption that I am better than those whom I am judging. I should not be judging at all those around me. Who is to say that I too do not display those traits that I am so wrongfully judging them on? I do not care for my attitude. I have often longed to be able to see others the way that Heavenly Father sees us. I struggle with this often and fail to see them as beloved spirit children of our loving Father. I know that each person, no matter what they look like, act like, or dress like was born into this world having the same Light of Christ that I was given. Heavenly Father is. No respector of persons and does not withhold his love from us ever. He has always loved me in my many timed of weakness and oh how multiple those times have been where I felt not deserving of such affection. Yet, He is always there. To help ease the pain and stem the tide of tears. Never has He turned me away despite the many times that I have turned away from Him. His love is infinite and pure. I long to be like Him in that aspect and be able to love others as he does. Not even strangers only, but also my own family suffers from my judgemental nature. I pray that I might correct my thoughts and be able to grow to see all around me as my beloved spirit brothers and sisters.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
First Sunday of November :)
Tonight President Uchtdorf spoke to us in a CES Fireside broadcast. For him, and his words, I am so very grateful. For some strange reason, whenever it is mentioned that some may not marry in this lifetime, my ears perk up. I think it is because I am utterly afraid that will be my reality. I am one of the ones he described as wanting a family, to me a wife and mother, more than anything. I hope it will come in this life. I got this feeling too that this is not the place I am to meet him if it is to happen. I don't know where I should go and I don't know when, but I do believe if I am to marry in this life I will not meet him here in Kansas.
I am grateful for the blessings and guidance that comes from Fasting. I will continue on in my endeavor to seek out which educational path is going to be the best for me, but today I felt prompted to seek more into the educational career. I have such a love for children and helping them learn things is so exciting! I need to be more prayerful in this choice though. While I feel it is the right way to go, I need more guidance.
I am grateful for the Lord and his glorious gospel. I believe it is true and I know that someday I will have a full testimony of it. Of some principles I have had a personal witness, others, I still need work on. But it is a work I am anxious to be engaged in. I am so thrilled to be a member of this Church. It has saved my life.
I am grateful for the blessings and guidance that comes from Fasting. I will continue on in my endeavor to seek out which educational path is going to be the best for me, but today I felt prompted to seek more into the educational career. I have such a love for children and helping them learn things is so exciting! I need to be more prayerful in this choice though. While I feel it is the right way to go, I need more guidance.
I am grateful for the Lord and his glorious gospel. I believe it is true and I know that someday I will have a full testimony of it. Of some principles I have had a personal witness, others, I still need work on. But it is a work I am anxious to be engaged in. I am so thrilled to be a member of this Church. It has saved my life.
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