Extreme Boredom: Me Style

So, I am going to go nuts. Just driving myself crazy being SO bored! I have a very complicated love/hate relationship with these early off work days. I love not having to be out all day long, however, I hate how I usually have nothing to do to occupy my time. I have been spending way too much time lately just sitting/laying in my bed watching NCIS and hanging around on LDSchat. Today however LDSchat is down and so I am even more bored than usual. 
Another down side to being home so long is the fact that I have a desire to eat when I am home. Today I've had a big bag of Cheetos, a liter of Dr. Pepper, a turkey & cheese sandwich, and my two remaining cinnamon rolls. I guess it doesn't sound like a lot when I look back on it, but it's not healthy food and I still have dinner yet to eat. I'm thinking either mac & cheese or chef boyardee ravioli. I'm also thinking of downing a bit more Dr. Pepper. I have made a resolution to quit soda as of August 1st. I am hoping that it will help me lose just a few. Also, as soon as my paychecks & bills permit, I am going shopping for some new tennis shoes. I live in a neighborhood that is walking friendly and should take advantage of it. 
Three weeks until Joe & Sarah come home with the little monster :) So excited to see them soon!  Oh well, back to NCIS. Nothing better to do. 

Only the Lonely

So, today I'm feeling rather blue. I just really miss my family and having people around who are there for me no matter what. I don't mind my living situation all that much, but I do not feel close to any of the girls. The fact is, I don't desire to feel close to any of them really. I guess something is just wrong with me. I feel like all the "Oh you're new" at church has worn me down. I just get sick of repeating answers to the standard regimen of questions that they always ask. Where'd you move from? What are you doing here? Are you going to school? Oh, that's a cool job, I bet it's fun/crazy/hard. Do you like it? Did you have fun this weekend? I mean... really? I don't want to talk to any of these people because I do not feel as if any of it is sincere. Perhaps I'm the one lacking the sincerity. I know I am. I have no sincere desire to know any of these people. I just want to be there and not worry about forming connections with them. So I'm lonely because I choose to be alone and keep my walls up rather than let them barrage me with the same thing weekly. Keep my answers short and non-enthusiastic. It usually wears them down and they leave me alone. I just want my family to be here. I am missing out on so much with them this summer. It's driving me crazy. Oh well, nothing to do for now except keep breathing and trying to be okay. 

Let the battle begin...

So today, as I'm heading to the house after having parked my car, the landlord is out front in his van and tells me that I'm not allowed to park where I am because those two spots belong to the one man who lives in the back house. This math does not add up. There are six spots and six cars... one person cannot have two unless one is to have none.
 Needless to get into the details about all of this - this sparked a huge uproar and arguing between the roommates and the landlord. It is not a pleasant thing, having to vie for parking. It is one of the main reasons I moved from my previous apartment. I so disliked having to fight for a spot, but it seems I am doomed to relive the drama of it again at this location. I am not so please with this current place and the thought to move did cross my mind. However we shall see. 
I honestly just want to run away and move into my own place, I just wish the finances of that were more readily available to me. I'm beginning to re-think a studio, possibly even downtown that allows pets. A cat would do nicely for a companion while I'm home, but a small dog would make me super happy. It would not please my parents, but at this point nothing short of marriage and a grandbaby would. 
I'm not happy, but that happens. Mom says I haven't been happy since I've moved to Utah. I'm trying to think if she's right or not. I just don't see where I could go to be happy. Oh well. I feel sick to my stomach and really should go to bed soon, but I'm not sure I will. Anyway. Goodnight. 

Big house... not a lot of space

So, I now have roommates. Four them to be exact. In the past I have had roommates, but only one at a time. This is just weird for me. When you share a house/apartment with just one other person, it is fairly simple to divide the available space between you both. When sharing between five it becomes complicated - especially if you're the last person to arrive. You are basically delegated space to use as your own. Normally I would be fine with this - if the space "given" me was actually respected and left as my own. I was only given one space in the fridge and all I want is for that shelf to be empty of anyone's stuff but my own... yet it is not... and just today I found out that a roommate had squished my cake leftovers with a mixing bowl she stuck in my cake pan on my shelf. Begin the grumbling and annoyance. 
Here I am torn and therefore at an impasse - because I, the great garbage-bagger that I am, will not do anything to make anyone mad, but I won't say anything about it to them either. I will just politely deal with it and eventually I'm sure my tiny shelf will be overwhelmed. Sigh. I want to just move all of their stuff of my shelf and tell them that they need to be more organized, but I do not want to make them mad at me or offend them by doing so. I just wish they would be more respectful. So I'm stuck. I know my parents' advice; Just talk to them, let them know of your concerns, but in a kind manner. Sigh. I don't even want to broach the subject. I just want them to be more mindful of their actions. 
So that is my qualm for today. I  just don't know how to live with other people other than my family. Oh well. Guess I'm stuck like this for a while. 

I think I Zigged When I was Looking to Zag...

So, I was finally able to go to the doctors, and thank heavens for Dr. Anderson the ENT who actually made a decision and just said "well, we don't know why it happened so no need to run any more tests - let us know if it happens again." Done! So that was Wednesday afternoon (I almost cried when the Neurologist didn't make up her mind and sent me to see him.) So I asked both the ENT and Neuro's receptionists to send over their paperwork to WorkMed so it could be evaluated - they didn't do it until end of business day, so lame, so no eval Wednesday. No doctor at WorkMed would evaluate it on Thursday (which to me is silly that they don't always have a DOT doc there.) So finally on Friday at noon after not hearing from WorkMed, I went down and sat in their waiting room until they saw me. The verdict.....
I'm going back to work. I actually went back to work last Saturday. So no trip to Kansas for me to see my family. *BIG SIGH* this really upset me. I am just crazy that all my time was spent up and it wasn't even put to good use. So I was on report both Saturday and Monday, yesterday. Today I have a great 9+ hour straight on the 39. Hope I can survive it. We'll see. 
Also now because I am staying in Utah I need to find a new place to live. So on Saturday Joe said I could stay at his place so avoid paying rent on the current apartment. That has turned out to be great. I love their bed, SO soft! I have also had to start looking at apartments again and so far I have seen four and I actually like two. So now I just need to pick one of those two. I'm thinking the first one is the right one, but I'm waiting... I don't want to rush into things. 
Well, I gotta get gettin' on... Life as usual? 

Life in Limbo

So keeping busy has been a challenge for me; all this time off work and nothing to do but sit around watching Netflix. I am still in limbo and I'm beginning to hate the place. 

I saw the neurologist on Tuesday. She is a very nice doctor who is originally from Kansas City - which gave us something to talk about other than my messed up head. She, however wanted me to go and see a specialist, so I did. I went and saw a balance specialist to make ensure that all of my vestibular parts are in working order. Much to her surprise/chagrin,(also a very nice lady doctor), she could not recreate my symptoms and was therefore unsure of what I had and what had caused it. So she'll send a report back to the neurologist. Unfortunately that was last Wednesday and I have had to wait until this Wednesday (two days from now) to see the neurologist again - goodbye paid vacation time. 

So I've waited. I have thoroughly cleaned the apartment in which I'm still residing by the good graces of my landlord - who I do not think is really happy with me staying here solo because I do not want to pay the whole $800 rent, just the normal $400 split - although I get where he is coming from. 

I also went today and paid the June rent ($300) on the apartment that I was going to move into - signed the lease on - but am now unsure/unable to do so because of this sidebar. I have hopefully found a replacement for myself on the lease though - again, waiting until Wednesday to see if she's approved by the complex and then she'll pay me back for part of the June rent. I'm going to need it and my deposit from this place to make it wherever I have to go depending on the outcome of these next two doctors visits.  All in all today was a financially draining day, which also tends to drain me mentally. 

I am very very tired of being in this forced limbo that is costing me every second I stay in it. I just wish I could have gone back to see the neurologist sooner - that extra week of waiting cost me all of my vacation time because work has to pay it out when I'm on leave like this - a leave I don't want to even be on. It is very frustrating not knowing which way I'll be able to go but knowing all the different paths that I could be forced to wander down. *sigh* 

I guess I'm done for now - no point in repeating to myself the same situations that could or could not happen - I've already memorized them. I just want to know, you know? 

The Moment

You know that moment when you're so alone and you just are dying inside for someone to rescue you, to hold you and tell you it will all be okay? That moment is my universe right now.

I know  I'm probably being overly dramatic, but the possibilities of reality that I'm facing are scaring the daylights out of me and I am unable to cope. I broke down at the doctor's office. I broke down in the car when I called to tell my dad how scared I was. I broke down again when I got back to my house, realizing how empty it is and alone I am. I feel like all I need right now is just for someone to hold me and let me cry. I don't need answers or positive optimisms; nothing can be certain until Tuesday. I just need to let all the fear, stress, and anxiety seep out of my system until I'm empty. Then, and only then, will my soul have the capacity to let in hope and give it root. 

So I sit, alone in my head in this empty house. Too late to call anyone. No nearby arms to turn to. I'm scared, but also very sad at how alone I am.