So, because I have been slacking at school and not taking it seriously, therefore failing my classes here and there, I am being denied financial aid for the next school year. Also, if I do not return this semester and improve my overall GPA I will be dismissed from the University. So, now I have to figure out how I am going to manage to pay for books, a full time class load, and everything else I already pay for. After Ashley gets hitched I am more than likely going to have to live with my parents. That is of course, after I get rid of Nanders, which if I haven't found her a home by then then someone will have to take her to the Humane Society for me, because there is no way I could. That means I will need to be uber strict with my finances and I still need to find a second job. Thanks Target for not hiring me back :( That job would have been cake for 2 months. I wish I didn't have to go to school and could work two jobs for the next year, then I'd have some money saved up. But even then, I would still be lacking the social life I wish I could make happen. I want so badly to be able to participate, at least in Institute, FHE if my schedule allowed, but neither one of them for as long as I have been is just not great. Sure I can run down to the building on my lunch break, but staying for only 40 minutes is not the same. I just want to be okay. I know that I'm not okay. I know I have a lot of stuff to work on. I just feel like I can't take that first step because I don't know where to put my foot down, which way to go about trying to make this work. I wish I was stronger.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
It's me or the dog....
I hide behind a lot of things; my weight, my family, my dog, my job, myself...etc. I fight hard with myself and others for the right to do so. I do not want certain securities to go away. My dog for instance is recently the topic of much controversy/debate in my life recently. I got her over a year ago now. She became a huge wedge between my roommate at the time and myself, mainly because I did not want to give her back to the pound. I was selfish. I still am selfish. Throughout the entire duration of time that I have had her my family has always said "Get rid of her. It's unfair to her for you to have her." I cannot bring myself to give her up. She is the one thing that brings me happiness when I'm home.
I am scared. I love having her around because she gives me something to focus on rather than focus on myself. I do not want to face being alone by myself. If I come home and she's not here to be stupid and make me smile, what will? Who will be here to be a presence when I feel so alone? I do not want to face myself alone. I do not want to have to sit there in silence and have nothing to focus on other than myself. Nothing to care for other than myself. But now I've had her so long that I've formed a strong attachment that is going to be extremely hard and painful to sever. My parents think that it is something I must do. I agree with them in my heart because of the underlying goal they have for me, but it hurts so much to think of life alone.
I do not like to be alone. When left to my own self I often drift to the darker side of my thoughts and the emptiness seems to swallow me whole some days. I'm scared. Scared to tears of the reality of what I'd have to face without having something else to focus my energies on. I do not like to face my fears alone. Not that the dog can help me overcome my fears, but she is something to hug. Something warm to cuddle up against. Something that loves me unconditionally, even when she doesn't listen and when I yell at her. I'm just scared to death of letting her go and I feel like I'm doing her wrong doing so.
I just don't want to be alone. I do not want to come home to an empty apartment and have nothing to love. Because I don't love myself enough to be alone. But "It's me or the dog." I know she's not the only thing holding me back or that I lean on or hide behind, but she is a large one, one that causes a lot of grief to those around me. I love her dearly though. I am very conflicted. Very scared. And taking those things said with love to me in a very hard way. The wicked take the truth to be hard. I am lacking a love for myself, a confidence in myself, a faith in myself. I wish it were easier. I wish I could compromise, but in this battle there must be no compromise. Decisions must be made and they will be so very bitter and hard at times, hopefully not all of them will be thus though.
"I need Thee every hour." We sang that today in church and I just wanted to cry. I closed my eyes and prayed through the song's words. I know that I can make it through. I know, deep down in my heart - as hard as it may be at times, that I am never alone as long as I let the Savior into my life. I just need to get through this. I hope that I will get through this. That I will make the right decisions, that I will let my heart lead and that my heart will be softened to the promptings of the Spirit as I go through this time of trials of self-discovery and learning to love myself. "I need Thee Every Hour" just came on on "The Mormon Channel" - Perfect is His love and sufficient His grace, even for me, if only I'd allow Him in.
I am scared. I love having her around because she gives me something to focus on rather than focus on myself. I do not want to face being alone by myself. If I come home and she's not here to be stupid and make me smile, what will? Who will be here to be a presence when I feel so alone? I do not want to face myself alone. I do not want to have to sit there in silence and have nothing to focus on other than myself. Nothing to care for other than myself. But now I've had her so long that I've formed a strong attachment that is going to be extremely hard and painful to sever. My parents think that it is something I must do. I agree with them in my heart because of the underlying goal they have for me, but it hurts so much to think of life alone.
I do not like to be alone. When left to my own self I often drift to the darker side of my thoughts and the emptiness seems to swallow me whole some days. I'm scared. Scared to tears of the reality of what I'd have to face without having something else to focus my energies on. I do not like to face my fears alone. Not that the dog can help me overcome my fears, but she is something to hug. Something warm to cuddle up against. Something that loves me unconditionally, even when she doesn't listen and when I yell at her. I'm just scared to death of letting her go and I feel like I'm doing her wrong doing so.
I just don't want to be alone. I do not want to come home to an empty apartment and have nothing to love. Because I don't love myself enough to be alone. But "It's me or the dog." I know she's not the only thing holding me back or that I lean on or hide behind, but she is a large one, one that causes a lot of grief to those around me. I love her dearly though. I am very conflicted. Very scared. And taking those things said with love to me in a very hard way. The wicked take the truth to be hard. I am lacking a love for myself, a confidence in myself, a faith in myself. I wish it were easier. I wish I could compromise, but in this battle there must be no compromise. Decisions must be made and they will be so very bitter and hard at times, hopefully not all of them will be thus though.
"I need Thee every hour." We sang that today in church and I just wanted to cry. I closed my eyes and prayed through the song's words. I know that I can make it through. I know, deep down in my heart - as hard as it may be at times, that I am never alone as long as I let the Savior into my life. I just need to get through this. I hope that I will get through this. That I will make the right decisions, that I will let my heart lead and that my heart will be softened to the promptings of the Spirit as I go through this time of trials of self-discovery and learning to love myself. "I need Thee Every Hour" just came on on "The Mormon Channel" - Perfect is His love and sufficient His grace, even for me, if only I'd allow Him in.
Monday, May 10, 2010
insecurities
so i had a really bad mental shakedown around three this afternoon. i was working on my project for school and all of a sudden i just did not feel right. i felt vulnerable, like something or someone was out to get me. i felt that anything and everything was going to make me cry. i felt anxious and had this tingling sense of dread. my whole outlook was extremely depressing and very heavy. i just was not happy. i have felt like this before, but never to the extent that i felt like i could not function while going through it. it was before work and i could not stop thinking about just needing to be out of there. i wanted to tell my coach that i was having a hard time, but she was not around. so like a beacon in the dark i got a call from my mom. she told me how she had seen that i was not felling right today when i saw her at school earlier. she told me to pray and that she would pray for me. i did pray. i went to the restroom and sat on the stool and prayed for relief from this horrible grip that this anxiety had on me. i was so scared. i can say now that i am not scared and overly nervous and anxious anymore, however i am still fairly blah about being here at work. i was not scared during the tornado warning except for a few brief moments after they blew the air horn to signal us to get off the phones. it was really coming down outside after the warning and memories of playing in the rain flashed before my eyes and became my spoken wish. it would have been awesome. but it passed and was then just sunshiney and clear. i hope the hail did not damage my car. i am already up to my nose indebt, i do not need it going up to my eyes. i am so nervous about our presentations. i really want it to go well. if only i were not so terrible at trusting others to do their part or hinder mine
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Mother's Day
So today is Mother's Day. Got me thinking about several things: my deep desire to be a mother and wife someday (hopefully not too far gone in the future), my own mother and how we've had such an at-odds relationship for most of my life (until recently), and the women in this life who are great examples of mother and act as second mothers to me.
I truly do believe that the greatest calling a women could ever hold is that of mother. I know, deep deep down in my hear that I am meant to be a mother on this earth. When I received my patriarchal blessing, I will not lie, I was waiting for it and when I heard that I would have the opportunity to be a mother and a wife, I bawled. It was the one thing I wanted to know for sure. I still fear that the wicked days of my past have made me unworthy for that great blessing and will always be grateful to my dad who gave me a comfort blessing letting me know that I hadn't screwed it up yet. Ever since then I have been devoted to being the kind of woman who is deserving of being a mother to precious spirits. I do not believe I have any other greater desire in my heart and soul. It is why I gravitate towards children all the time. I'm secretly yearning for them to be mine and to be able to care for them; to hold them when they are scared or tired, to kiss their cheeks while they sleep, to show them the wonderful truth of the gospel that they may know the joy it brings to my life. So, I wait. Impatiently at times but always anxiously. Family matters most to me and I do not think that will ever change.
What would the world be without mothers? Unfathomable!! I like the John Mayer song daughters "Mothers be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do. Girls become lovers who turn into mothers, so mothers be good to your daughters too." It is so true that you become your mother! Oh that dreaded phrase "You're just like your mother!", usually said with such backhanded sympathy because they knew you never wanted to be like your mother, but laugh that you now are. I've always been a mini-me of my mom; in appearance, in emotional issues, and in the way I deal with things. It's no wonder that I turned out pretty much exactly like her. That is okay though. I truly do LOVE my mom. I think back to all the times when as a teenager growing up when I purposefully put myself at odds with her. I did not make loving me easy, but she always did and still does. I do not think I will ever be able to make up for the way I treated her as a teen/young adult, but I hope I never give up trying. Like mother like daughter.
A special shout-out to all the wonderful women in my life. For all my friends' moms who were like moms to me whenever I was around. Who provided me with a great Easter while my family was away, who makes the most amazing cheesecakes ever, who helped raise some of the most wonderful women in the world who I am blessed to call friends. You've provided me with an army of sisters and brothers to help me conquer the insecurities inside myself through their friendship and love which they gained from you! You are amazing! Thank you!
I cannot wait to see my mother today after church for her Mother's Day dinner. I will give her the biggest hug possible! I hope she knows how much I love her. If she doesn't, I'm going to tell her, over and over, until she knows! Thank you mom for loving me always. Despite myself.
I truly do believe that the greatest calling a women could ever hold is that of mother. I know, deep deep down in my hear that I am meant to be a mother on this earth. When I received my patriarchal blessing, I will not lie, I was waiting for it and when I heard that I would have the opportunity to be a mother and a wife, I bawled. It was the one thing I wanted to know for sure. I still fear that the wicked days of my past have made me unworthy for that great blessing and will always be grateful to my dad who gave me a comfort blessing letting me know that I hadn't screwed it up yet. Ever since then I have been devoted to being the kind of woman who is deserving of being a mother to precious spirits. I do not believe I have any other greater desire in my heart and soul. It is why I gravitate towards children all the time. I'm secretly yearning for them to be mine and to be able to care for them; to hold them when they are scared or tired, to kiss their cheeks while they sleep, to show them the wonderful truth of the gospel that they may know the joy it brings to my life. So, I wait. Impatiently at times but always anxiously. Family matters most to me and I do not think that will ever change.
What would the world be without mothers? Unfathomable!! I like the John Mayer song daughters "Mothers be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do. Girls become lovers who turn into mothers, so mothers be good to your daughters too." It is so true that you become your mother! Oh that dreaded phrase "You're just like your mother!", usually said with such backhanded sympathy because they knew you never wanted to be like your mother, but laugh that you now are. I've always been a mini-me of my mom; in appearance, in emotional issues, and in the way I deal with things. It's no wonder that I turned out pretty much exactly like her. That is okay though. I truly do LOVE my mom. I think back to all the times when as a teenager growing up when I purposefully put myself at odds with her. I did not make loving me easy, but she always did and still does. I do not think I will ever be able to make up for the way I treated her as a teen/young adult, but I hope I never give up trying. Like mother like daughter.
A special shout-out to all the wonderful women in my life. For all my friends' moms who were like moms to me whenever I was around. Who provided me with a great Easter while my family was away, who makes the most amazing cheesecakes ever, who helped raise some of the most wonderful women in the world who I am blessed to call friends. You've provided me with an army of sisters and brothers to help me conquer the insecurities inside myself through their friendship and love which they gained from you! You are amazing! Thank you!
I cannot wait to see my mother today after church for her Mother's Day dinner. I will give her the biggest hug possible! I hope she knows how much I love her. If she doesn't, I'm going to tell her, over and over, until she knows! Thank you mom for loving me always. Despite myself.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Eyes Open, but Brain Closed
Eight a.m. is NOT my friend. I am so very tired and cannot wait to b.s. my way through my map final so I can come home, clean out my car, and go right back to sleep until work! I should work on my teacher final, but I can do that tomorrow after my history quiz before the Temple Trip! Woot for Temple Trips. Having my recommend helps validate that I'm doing something right. May I never, ever, lose it again or let it lapse. Oh well. Must go now. Praying that today will be a much better day than yesterday and that I will be more fruitful in my effort to be Christ-like and patient and compassionate towards those I serve. Thank heavens for breaks and good friends!
Monday, May 3, 2010
Ah Summer....
Not there quite yet, but close enough that the urge to slack has hit HARD!! I only go to history or geography when I have a test. So very sad! I'm kind of nervous about whether I'll pass all my classes or not. I'm dreading my geography grade. All I've really done for that class has been the map tests and the mid-term. I wish he would post grades online so I knew if I even had a chance. On a happier note, I know I'll be passing my teacher course because I've been there all except 5 days and the work is super simple. Just got to get it all to come together for this final project and then I'll be sitting pretty! History will not be so bad because I'm totally prepped for the final! All of the terms defined in mini-essay format ready to be carefully reworded in a little blue book!
Church is going well. Summer time is always so great because all the people who were away at school come home and our branch just grows at an incredible rate! It's so wonderful to have the girls back for the summer! They bring new life! I hope that we'll have a very productive and active and FUN summer!! I've said summer in each of the last three sentences, it's on my brain!! I absolutely love my home teacher - Josh is amazing because he is so consistent! Even as he goes it solo because Benjamin moved back to Utah, he still came this month! It meant so much that he let me hug him! I just needed a hug! (Plus I wanted to know if he'd let me, can't hug a person when you really need to unless you know they'll let you.) Things are just coming along so splendidly!! I really am excited for school to be over and to have some relaxing time (hopefully well spent) this summer. I know that I should take at least one summer school class so that I can get reimbursement for it as well as get ahead of getting into the program. I need to take my CBASE test so that I can get into the program. It's crazy how I switch majors and in one semester I'm ready to go into the program!! It seemed like for nursing I'd never get there! Thank heaven for education! I cannot wait to be a teacher! I wonder if Josh has a lawn mower or if he'll let me borrow it if he has it so I can mow the yard. It's getting long! I'll have to e-mail him or call him and see. I wonder who else might have a lawn mower I can borrow... HMMMMM.....
I miss Institute like CRAZY and just feel so disconnected from it because I've had to miss it so much lately due to saving up preto for all the May activities! I really wish I had Tuesdays off!! Next realignment, no substitutions! I will have Tuesdays and Sundays off! (and Saturdays if I truly go part time and work part time for the COOP!) I really really really want to go work for the Coop and do school-based work again. Being a para was a GREAT job! It just didn't pay near enough for me to survive. I really need to focus on getting signed up for that stuff and wonder if they'd allow me to start later in the fall because realignment won't allow me to go truly part time at T-Mobile until around October :( ... just something to ponder and pray about I guess.
OMG speaking of prayer - I AM A SLACKER!! I go to bed every night and as I get into bed think, I should say my prayers, or Why am I not praying? But then I STILL don't. I don't get myself. I need to just get it done! I was so optimistic in my last post about becoming exhausted for the right reasons and yet I have yet to do those things I said I would!! Grrrr.... Working on myself is a down right dirty job that I am excellent at putting off.... But I really need to start working hard on it. I really do want the results of change, I just need to work on the actual change part. I wish I had a week off of work so I could focus on rearranging a bunch of things and setting up new procedures. I guess it wouldn't do me any good though unless I included work in my routines :( Ugh! Just wish work would go away for a while and that I could live just as a student. Being a responsible adult with bills stinks (if only I had the foresight to prevent myself from becoming what I am today - an in debt-up-to-my-eyeballs slacker with loathing for my job and little motivation to change.)
Oh well.. enough ranting for tonight. Good to get it all out in the open! In the words of Ashley, who I envy because she has changed and who I admire because she has changed - Gii!!
Church is going well. Summer time is always so great because all the people who were away at school come home and our branch just grows at an incredible rate! It's so wonderful to have the girls back for the summer! They bring new life! I hope that we'll have a very productive and active and FUN summer!! I've said summer in each of the last three sentences, it's on my brain!! I absolutely love my home teacher - Josh is amazing because he is so consistent! Even as he goes it solo because Benjamin moved back to Utah, he still came this month! It meant so much that he let me hug him! I just needed a hug! (Plus I wanted to know if he'd let me, can't hug a person when you really need to unless you know they'll let you.) Things are just coming along so splendidly!! I really am excited for school to be over and to have some relaxing time (hopefully well spent) this summer. I know that I should take at least one summer school class so that I can get reimbursement for it as well as get ahead of getting into the program. I need to take my CBASE test so that I can get into the program. It's crazy how I switch majors and in one semester I'm ready to go into the program!! It seemed like for nursing I'd never get there! Thank heaven for education! I cannot wait to be a teacher! I wonder if Josh has a lawn mower or if he'll let me borrow it if he has it so I can mow the yard. It's getting long! I'll have to e-mail him or call him and see. I wonder who else might have a lawn mower I can borrow... HMMMMM.....
I miss Institute like CRAZY and just feel so disconnected from it because I've had to miss it so much lately due to saving up preto for all the May activities! I really wish I had Tuesdays off!! Next realignment, no substitutions! I will have Tuesdays and Sundays off! (and Saturdays if I truly go part time and work part time for the COOP!) I really really really want to go work for the Coop and do school-based work again. Being a para was a GREAT job! It just didn't pay near enough for me to survive. I really need to focus on getting signed up for that stuff and wonder if they'd allow me to start later in the fall because realignment won't allow me to go truly part time at T-Mobile until around October :( ... just something to ponder and pray about I guess.
OMG speaking of prayer - I AM A SLACKER!! I go to bed every night and as I get into bed think, I should say my prayers, or Why am I not praying? But then I STILL don't. I don't get myself. I need to just get it done! I was so optimistic in my last post about becoming exhausted for the right reasons and yet I have yet to do those things I said I would!! Grrrr.... Working on myself is a down right dirty job that I am excellent at putting off.... But I really need to start working hard on it. I really do want the results of change, I just need to work on the actual change part. I wish I had a week off of work so I could focus on rearranging a bunch of things and setting up new procedures. I guess it wouldn't do me any good though unless I included work in my routines :( Ugh! Just wish work would go away for a while and that I could live just as a student. Being a responsible adult with bills stinks (if only I had the foresight to prevent myself from becoming what I am today - an in debt-up-to-my-eyeballs slacker with loathing for my job and little motivation to change.)
Oh well.. enough ranting for tonight. Good to get it all out in the open! In the words of Ashley, who I envy because she has changed and who I admire because she has changed - Gii!!
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