Swapp-ing Elders

Elder Nathaniel Ray Swapp had his last day in our mission today. He goes to KC tomorrow and then home Wednesday. He will be missed. He is a great guy. A gentle giant with humility flowing from him with ease. He is soft spoken and sweet and I hope that he has a marvelous life. I'm betting his mom will be really happy to see him again :) I know I would be if I had to be away from him for two whole years.
Our branch will now be getting two new elders because Fisher is being transferred to the Kellogg Branch Spanish speaking mission because that is now where the Zone Leaders will be, he and Elder Frehner. I hope our new elders are awesome, because we've had a long streak of awesome and anything less would just be disappointing.

Sunday

So, all of my siblings were in sacrament with me this week! It was awesome! If only my parents had been there it would have been the whole family!!! Next week maybe because Jacob is giving a talk and mom and dad said they would be there and that is why Joe & Sarah were there this week because they got the date mixed up. It was so nice though, even though we didn't all sit together. I am so grateful for the chances I do get to see people on Sundays though and for all the happiness they bring to my life. I am grateful for my calling and the opportunities it gives it me to look beyond myself and see and help others, although I fear I do not do it often enough still. I was super excited to sit down with Pres. Beeson today and talk. He kind of made me feel better about my craziness and anxiety. It was helpful, and I had no idea that he was able to see my frustrations so clearly - talk about inspiration. We had a great object lesson today about the Holy Ghost in Relief Society and then talked about the Gathering of Israel in Gospel Principles - both extraordinary! Then in sacrament Rebekah and Katie spoke about gratitude in their lives and Nate spoke on how the Refirmation paved the way for the Restoration. It was incredibly deep and insightful. I know that he has a wonderfully deep connection with the Spirit and I pray that someday I may be as eloquent when speaking through the Spirit.
After church was our Relief Society planning meeting and we hammered out some more details for the dance. I am super excited for Dec. 8th - we are going to meet up and have lunch at Fazzoli's before going shopping at Sam's for our food stuffs! It will be marvelous!
For dinner we had frito chili pie which was great and then my parents gave me my birthday cake which was Red Velvet Cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory (via Sam's)!! It was great! I am thankful to my parents for wanting to make me feel special for my birthday. I just wish they didn't think that I was running away yesterday, it actually frustrates me that they do. I really just wanted to have that time to myself. Perhaps that is running away, but I needed to be in the temple yesterday. It was a marvelous experience for me. I then played speed scrabble with Sarah, Joe, Mom, Michael, and Sarah's friend Geneva who is a linguist and just got out of a four year teaching stint at the MTC! Pretty sweet! It was a lot of fun and I even won twice! Yay! I then went downstairs and watched "Holiday in Handcuffs" cute little movie with Melissa Joan Hart and that cute guy who played Slater on "Saved By The Bell." Then the boys invaded and wanted to play Smash Bros, so I retired here!
All in all a good day! Only two days of work this week and then Thanksgiving! I can't wait until Turkey bowl and am super excited to see Tangled on Wednesday! Hooray for holidays & family!

What I Learned Today

Today is my birthday. I am now 25 years old. A quarter of a century! It's pretty awesome. I slept in until about 8:45 and then woke up and went to the temple. I had to go alone because no one else volunteered to go with me and I had to go! I was waffling about going because of the activities that were planned, but after hearing Elder Hillier speak yesterday about the temple, I just had to go! It was where I was supposed to be. I felt so much peace and tranquility about the whole trip that ending up going alone was fine. I was able to attend the Spanish session and opted to not have the English headphones, so I went through the session in Spanish which was easier to understand than I thought and also harder than I thought. I am grateful that I remember a lot of the endowment in English so that I could grasp key words and know where we were. I am also thankful for what little Spanish I do know so that I could understand most of it. It was definitely a neat experience and I know that it means the same in any language.

While sitting in the Celestial room I prayed about what I should do with my life and I felt comfortable with my decision to pursue teaching instead of nursing. I feel that until I am able to influence a family of my own I am going to reach out to children through teaching to help strengthen home and family relationships and encourage the children to seek the better part. I am also not going to worry or stress about finding my eternal companion right away or feel like a failure because I'm not dating. I am simply going to live my life the way I need to be so that when the Lord is ready to bless me with that opportunity I am ready and worthy to accept.

What I learned today from the temple, or what stuck out most to me, was how every time we sin, we must have some sort of punishment, be it a heavy sense of remorse or temporal hardship, but after that punishment, immediately, even in the same breath as being told what we have to deal with, we are told how we can avoid ever having to go through that again as long as we are obedient to the Lord. He knows that we need to learn from our mistakes, but he so badly wants to let us know how we don't have to suffer. His love for us is so strong and infinite!

Yesterday we had the opportunity as singles to go attend a special devotional with Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles and also hear from Elder Hillier of the Seventy. It was a wonderful session. The love and authority that radiated from Elder Scott was so intense! He has a bright and wonderful witty sense of humor and his love for the youth of the church is so obvious in his speech. He held a wonderful question and answer session with those in attendance and afterward shook the hand of all who wanted to - which was pretty much everyone! His handshake was so perfect! I know it is silly to fixate on it, but seriously, I have never had such a handshake before! It was a wonderful evening!

So, now I am going to go to sleep. I think this was probably one of the most excellent birthdays I have had in a long time! It was so peaceful and calm, yet fun and enlightening! I may have to make birthday temple trips a tradition!

Hurts so much...

It hurts so much to feel this way; so angry and full of ill will. I don't like snapping like that and I don't know why I let things get to me so easily. I feel like so much pressure is put on me that I just explode when the tiniest crack is made. The only problem with that is that I'm the one who is mentally pressuring myself and thinking that everyone else is and I'm the one who is allowing myself to crack. I just feel so hopeless, scared, and lost when this happens. All I want to do is run away to a place where I am all by myself and cannot be like this to people. I mean, what is happening to me? I had to sit out of Sacrament the other day because I was just feeling so claustrophobic and anxious. I don't like it. I don't like it at all. I feel like it is a terrible bruise that I just don't want anyone to see or prod. Balm of Gilead? Definitely. I'm pretty sure that right now He is the only one who knows exactly what I'm feeling right now and the only one who will listen to me and not offer suggestions on how to fix it right away, but let me figure it out with His guidance. I'm grateful for that. Baby steps. But right now, I just want to fold my laundry and go to bed.

Initiation...

So.... Today I was officially initiated into being a bus driver.... Hold on, not as exciting as you might think, you have no idea what I had to go through to get there....

A kid threw up on my bus!!!

Poor kid! It was so funny because I felt so bad for him and tried to make him feel better all while suppressing my gag reflex!

It takes some drivers 10 years to get into this club, but I got in early.... Lucky me!

A Clean Room Goes A Long Way...

Today I endeavored to clean both my car and my room in an attempt to clean my life up a little. I'm not down into anything truly dirty or nitty gritty, but I do desire to make the spaces I dwell in more inviting to the Spirit and inspiring of peace. I am almost satisfied with my room, still some clean clothes to put away (more coming out of the dryer hourly), some movies to categorize, some boxes to get rid of, and some odds and ends that either need hanging our placing around the room. The car is good, however I would still like to vacuum it and wipe down the interior of all the dust that it collects, also an air freshener would be lovely.
I am going to be attempting to be more Christlike and either though he was born in a barn, pardon the bad parenting joke, His house is immaculate and I would like nothing more than to feel the same peace of mind and soul that I feel there in my own home. I shall endeavor to be more engaged in good works such as reading my scriptures, reading my manuals to discover helps for my calling, and listening to talks and broadcasts while I pursue worthwhile activities such as crocheting that blanket for Aaron and writing in this journal.
I am still very excited for the opportunity to see Elder Scott this Friday and spend all day in the Temple on my birthday!

---Because it is noteworthy to mention, however sad; Sister Kincaid, the wife of our branch's high council representative, passed away suddenly this past Saturday evening after a day of service in the Temple. She and Brother Kincaid were temple workers multiple times a month. She was a wonderful woman who always contributed so positively to discussions in Relief Society and she will be sorely missed.

The House of the Lord

I was SO excited to go to the temple today! This morning started out with the wonderfully inspiring words of the beloved Prophet and several other general authorities in the Worldwide Leadership Training Meeting concerning the new manuals. They really instilled in me a desire to read and know my manual so that I may better counsel with the sisters in my presidency and with the sisters in the branch. I cannot wait to get our new ones tomorrow!
After the broadcast, which, thankfully, they were showing at seven a.m. at the 13th street building, I went to Village Inn and got some tasty breakfast, then went to the Stake Center to meet up with Nate. Ended up watching the first hour of the broadcast again with Nate and then we left to pick up Tim, his brother, and made our way down to the temple. The drive down was great! Nate and Tim are the perfect people to go on a road trip with- hilarious! We were afraid we were going to be late for our sessions, but made it just on time!! It was a very full session too!
The endowment itself was, of course and as always, beautiful and very reverencing. I am still in awe of the wonderful simplicity of it all that conveys such deep and glorious truths. I was able to assist in cleaning the temple today! So exciting to be able to assist the work in new ways! My mine was still caught up in the particular question that I have had since my last visit to the temple and I have not still come to a full knowledge of the answer, but nevertheless I shall endure and persevere to discover the truth so that I may grow from it.
After our delightful session we ate dinner at Abuelo's - muy sabrosa! Nate and Tim are such gentlemen, didn't let me pay or open my own door! On the way home we made some awesome plans for next Saturday which I am just fully stoked about! Friday is the YSA Conference in Lawrence with Elder Scott!!! and after that Tim & I will drive straight down to OKC so he can work in the Temple on Saturday and so that I can attend all the sessions I desire, including a session in Spanish! So very excited to do that!! I am so grateful for Tim's willingness to allow me to go with him!
I am very happy to have been in the House of the Lord today and am deeply grateful for the proximity to which I live to His House. My soul is at peace, my mind is at ease, and my heart is full near to bursting.

Troubles Lately..

So, I have a lot of stress/anxiety and anger issues. My fuse has apparently shortened tremendously and I am, of late, unable to keep my bitter tongue under wraps. Every word that comes dripping off of it is as bitter and harsh as a cold winter wind. The amount of negativity that flows forward in my tone is overwhelmingly disturbing because it is all people, my family, say they hear out of me. Living at home is not easy after you've been out for almost 3 years... even living across town. I also am having issues being around large groups of people because I start to feel very conscious of everything and rather anxious. Not always, like I'm fine sitting in our FHE group, or in church classes, but not in Sacrament or while in Institute. It's super weird though because I especially have a hard time around my family. They seem to entice my brain into yelling at itself with all these negative thoughts and insecurities. It should be like that around family. I have lost my place to feel unconditional love from anyone but the Savior, luckily that carries with me in my heart as long as I have faith in it. I wish I would get better.