Someone to Seek After Me...

I'm feeling an extreme lack of self-worth and importance tonight. Sister Ord had said that self hatred is normal and healthy if it causes you to change those things about yourself and become better. I just hate myself sometimes.
As for the title of this post... you know how when a guy is into a girl and she has left his presence in a social situation for a period time he will seek after her, like ask where she is, or go and try and find her, yeah... I want that.
However, irony is always so evil - as I was thinking that I have no one who seeks after me or notices that I'm missing, bam, it hit me - Christ always sought after the one lamb who had strayed from the rest... I love the Lord and therefore, cannot complain and rant as I had intended to do when I started this post.

Little Girls and Motorcycles...

Today I witnessed something that I hope to never again see, although I know it will be playing in my brain for quite some time... I was driving my Lewis route and had just dropped off the 3 sibs and was heading towards Victoria to make a right to drop off my little fish. There in front of me on the NW corner of the street were several of the little girls who normally walk down Victoria in the way of the bus. All of a sudden they were dashing across the street towards the SW corner and out of nowhere came a motorcycle. (It didn't really come out of nowhere, but my eyes were on the children and not the bike coming the other way on 31st.) The motorcycle clipped one of the little girls and completely bowled her over, running over her. She was just laying there in the street, her backpack and jacket strewn across the street and her little body twisted in an awkward position. She didn't move. I was so freaked out. I grabbed my radio and practically yelled in it that I had an emergency and told them what had happened. Because I still had my little fish, baby girl, and Em on the bus I could not get off the bus to see if she was all right - thank heavens there were other adults around and even the motorcycle driver had skidded to a stop and raced over to the little girl. After dispatch notified me that they had contacted an ambulance I had to keep on going and leave the chaos behind me, tending to those three still in my care. It was so emotionally wrecking. I thank heavens that I did have those three on my bus still otherwise my composure would have been out of the window.
I never ever ever want to see that happen again and now I'm going to be even more paranoid about children in and around the streets. I just hope she is okay...

Egg-sasperating!

I'm in a funk again. My brain is just bogged down with negative thoughts about how tonight went. What was tonight you might ask? Well, tonight, better yet, let me just tell you about my day.
I woke up at 9:30 when my alarm went off and went upstairs to help Dad in the kitchen. He had already started the cheese sauce for the potatoes au gratin, so I started slicing up the potatoes on the mandalin. After that dish was all composed nicely in the crock pot there really wasn't much else to do. So I got ready for church, went to my meetings, the normal stuff. After meetings, but before church started I practiced my part of "There is a Green Hill Far Away" with the choir. I was playing a descant during the last verse. During practice, the first two times the choir went through it my fingers and my brain were just at war and I could not, for the life of me, play it on the same measure and beat as them. So I took my music and went into the overflow and played my part over and over again until my fingers got their jitters out. I then went back to practice and we ran through it two more times, both times messing up, but not as badly as the first time. So then church started and I was a nervous wreck the whole time because I HATE playing in front of people because I know that I am not good at it. So the time came, and MIRACLE OF MIRACLES! I was able to play my part through and not collapse before I made it back to a seat next to Nate on the stand. Went and sang the second song with the choir too, which was the closing number, and then as I turned to go back to sit by Nate during the prayer, I tripped on the steps of the stand and fell to my hands and knees. Thankfully my knee was just a bit sore and it did not bleed. This happy/unhappy incident did bring about more people asking me if I was okay than remembering how horrible I sounded as I played, so that went well. The rest of church was pretty standard as church goes.
After church though Scott, Josh - the new guy, and Stephanie B. came over for dinner at our house. I had invited Scott on Tuesday, he asked if Josh could come because he also did not have family to celebrate with, and I brought Stephanie along last minute to act as another buffer between my awkward shyness and Scott. In case I've not yet mentioned before; I like Scott. I cannot figure out why I even think that there is a hope of anything happening there because I am so not the pretty, thin, witty, fun type of girl that he usually goes out with. But nonetheless I did invite him. He came over, probably because he is also friends with Jacob and Michael. Dinner was good, but the conversation lacked terribly. I'm not good at it. I was so nervous the whole time. The talking and good times started over pie and then continued on into playing Cranium. Scott was on my team, which was kind of Stephanie, since she got to choose first and let me have him. We even won! I was very happy. But yeah, I just honestly don't know what hope I'm holding onto here with the idea of he and I. Right now, I just feel awkward texting him because I don't know if my texts are even wanted, and I hate sending texts that require an answer. Why can't a guy just text me, or invite me somewhere? :(
I am one lonely duckling right now. I won't say ugly because I know that there are several beautiful things about me and I know that I am worthy of a good man, but this being lonely thing just sucks. As more time passes through the year I just keep thinking to myself - OMG you're going to be 26 this year! Wasn't turning 25 and not being married or dating anyone bad enough!! I swear I'm going to be an old spinster and I am not looking forward to it. I want to be married, I want to be a wife and a mother, I want to have someone in my life.
Now please don't confuse this with me being obsessed to the point where I stalk or am creepy. I'm not, but I just highly desire those things in my life right now. I would be happy with having a consistent guy friend whose hand I could hold and hug every once in a while. I wish I knew what I could do to be more outgoing and desirable to the guys around here (well, at least the ones I would say yes if the asked me out because admittedly, there are a few I would say no to.) Sigh.
I'm so stuck in this rut. I want out so badly!! What should I do Lord? Where should I go, what should I be? Am I in the wrong place? Am I not serving a purpose here? Is the happiness I seek somewhere else, or is it something I need to find within myself first? I just wish I had the answers. Great, now I want to cry and watch a chick-flick. Or sleep for hours on end... Frick.

You've Not Got Mail.....

So, watching "You've Got Mail" always gets me in the mood to have a unknown pen pal. I dare not wander into some random chat room, or even LDSchat.com because so many of the people out there are such freaks and I wouldn't trust myself to stay good. However, I would love to have someone to write letters too. Oh Wait!! I just remembered that I need to write Grant Anderson a letter since he wrote me! I hope I still have his letter and it didn't get washed away with my pay stub that I left in my jeans pocket. Uh oh! He wanted address of a few people - Pres. Beeson, Casie Jones, and a few others who I cannot remember off the top of my head. I hope I can find it...
I just felt like blogging tonight. I love watching this movie - and coincidence of all coincidences... Jackie Balzer (granddaughter to my nana's sister Betty) also is watching this movie at the same time I am and likes Daisies because of this movie too!! Even if i could just text someone constantly again that would be nice... Sigh.. I so badly need a boyfriend (she sighs as the pile of laundry she has folded tumbles to the side.)

Happy Birthday Relief Society!!

Tonight, I truly felt was Relief Society is all about! The Harrison Park Ward sisters were ever so kind enough to invite us to their RS Bday party and, I must say, I am so glad that I chose to attend. There was a fabulous dinner made by all the sisters, a skit about how the Relief Society had grown and developed as the years went by under different General RS Presidents, singing "As Sisters in Zion", cake and ice cream, and then everyone lit a little tea-light candle while standing in a circle, the lights were turned off, and we sang "Happy Birthday". Wishes were made, candles blown out, and the Spirit was so sweet!
Tonight is what I want my Relief Society to be like. The absolute love and sisterhood that radiated through all those wonderful women is what I want and desire so badly for all of the sisters of my branch. It was so "simplistic" but gorgeously decorated. The skit showed off the personality of each past President and how they helped shape the Relief Society into what it is today. The atmosphere was bright and beautiful, just like all the sweet sisters present. I wish more sisters would have come, but I am grateful that a few of mine were included in the skit and were present for it.
I started to tear up as we listened to "A Divine Legacy" - a video with clips from the last (2010) General Relief Society Broadcast - and then when we sang. I really had to hold it back. It was so perfect. Just what I had wanted for ours. Ours was good though and I am grateful that the sisters who did go, came.
I felt impressed to fast for the desires of my heart concerning the sisters in my relief society. I have so many things that I wish them to know and love and appreciate about relief society and each other. I want to find a way to better communicate those desires to the sisters and truly express my love for each one of them.

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday Dear Relief Society!!
Happy Birthday to you!!!
(and many more!)

Things in General... Conference

General Conference was amazing today and yesterday. Today's morning session was particularly spiritual for me. Although, I must admit, I felt so guilt-ridden during certain of the talks, like Sister Allred's about service via home teacher and visiting teaching and Relief Society. All during her talk I just felt this crushing sense of failure and guilt. Like I'm letting people down, particularly president Beeson. I just feel like I'm not doing anything productive and getting anywhere with the sisters, but at the same time I feel like I do put forth effort, however I get no response, but I don't want to put it all on the sisters, because I usually feel like I'm stand-offish sometimes and don't try hard enough. I should pray about it and talk with President Beeson about it. Also, maybe Angelina. I really just feel so disheartened about my calling, like I'm not the best person for the job, but I'm so anal and judgmental that I don't know who else could do it, which is AWFUL that I'm discounting my sisters so much. They are wonderful girls and full of such potential... I just wish I could access their desire to engage in the work. I feel so disconnected from them so often.
Also, one of the general authorities today was talking about how we should be and do the same things. I am such a hypocrite. How I am with the folks from church and how I am with my family is totally different and I just wish I could be the same with my family, but at the same time I do not feel that who I am with the church people is a true representation of my whole self, there are parts of my crazy and depression that I hide around them and feel free to express around my family. I should just set myself down and make a list of who I want to be and then go about creating small steps, little things I can do on a daily basis to achieve becoming a better person.... Sad thing is, that I know that a lot of what I end up coming up with will be things that I've been counseled about doing my whole life growing up in the church; read my scriptures, say my prayers, do service, pay my tithing, fast, ect. Why is it so hard to be consistent?
I can feel myself sliding down that slippery slope down towards depression and feel like crying because I am such a disappointment to myself and others right now. I know that I shouldn't feel that way because I am a daughter of God and I know that he loves me regardless, but at the same time, I want to be able to make him "proud", to glorify Him. I always feel better when I think of those facts, and I really should not let these other things get me down, but I don't feel like I can turn a blind eye to the beams that live in them.
Sigh... all things considered, I am extremely blessed and know that I can do well in this life if I but allow myself to be open to the promptings of the Spirit, if I am worthy to have it as my constant companion.