Things in General... Conference

General Conference was amazing today and yesterday. Today's morning session was particularly spiritual for me. Although, I must admit, I felt so guilt-ridden during certain of the talks, like Sister Allred's about service via home teacher and visiting teaching and Relief Society. All during her talk I just felt this crushing sense of failure and guilt. Like I'm letting people down, particularly president Beeson. I just feel like I'm not doing anything productive and getting anywhere with the sisters, but at the same time I feel like I do put forth effort, however I get no response, but I don't want to put it all on the sisters, because I usually feel like I'm stand-offish sometimes and don't try hard enough. I should pray about it and talk with President Beeson about it. Also, maybe Angelina. I really just feel so disheartened about my calling, like I'm not the best person for the job, but I'm so anal and judgmental that I don't know who else could do it, which is AWFUL that I'm discounting my sisters so much. They are wonderful girls and full of such potential... I just wish I could access their desire to engage in the work. I feel so disconnected from them so often.
Also, one of the general authorities today was talking about how we should be and do the same things. I am such a hypocrite. How I am with the folks from church and how I am with my family is totally different and I just wish I could be the same with my family, but at the same time I do not feel that who I am with the church people is a true representation of my whole self, there are parts of my crazy and depression that I hide around them and feel free to express around my family. I should just set myself down and make a list of who I want to be and then go about creating small steps, little things I can do on a daily basis to achieve becoming a better person.... Sad thing is, that I know that a lot of what I end up coming up with will be things that I've been counseled about doing my whole life growing up in the church; read my scriptures, say my prayers, do service, pay my tithing, fast, ect. Why is it so hard to be consistent?
I can feel myself sliding down that slippery slope down towards depression and feel like crying because I am such a disappointment to myself and others right now. I know that I shouldn't feel that way because I am a daughter of God and I know that he loves me regardless, but at the same time, I want to be able to make him "proud", to glorify Him. I always feel better when I think of those facts, and I really should not let these other things get me down, but I don't feel like I can turn a blind eye to the beams that live in them.
Sigh... all things considered, I am extremely blessed and know that I can do well in this life if I but allow myself to be open to the promptings of the Spirit, if I am worthy to have it as my constant companion.