Ignorance is Bliss....until it blindsides you...

Yeah, I didn't need to know that Lisa and Scott went out to Imbiss Grille and then a concert :( I wanted to go to that restaurant with him.... It is probably my fault for talking about the restaurant in front of her, but I don't know if he asked her or she asked him or what happened.... it doesn't really matter. It is just another nail in the coffin of facts that Scott doesn't like me that way. He was being nice when he said yes to our date, but other than that, nothing. I shouldn't have expected anything else I guess.
I think the reason why I cannot date/ will not date any other guys in our branch is that I know that they are not who I really want to be with and would be unhappy because I would be settling or lowering my standards.. and I really don't want to do that.
So yeah... I wish I hadn't known that... I was happy not knowing that, but now my heart is a little heavier and I just wish he wasn't so awesome so that I did not have to like him. Sigh.

On a happier note! I started my Train the Trainer stuff today and am super excited about it all. I really hope I make the grade and get to become a trainer!

Missing: Mom

I'm not sure what to do for her... I mean, I cannot replace what she lost - no one could. Why didn't she tell me when she found out about all of this two weeks ago? How come she didn't tell me yesterday when it happened? I'm so glad I found out, even if it was second hand. I cannot imagine what she's going through. It was hard watching my own mother go through it, but to now have a good friend going through it too - plus there is that woman at work... Why do mom's have to die?
I often feel so guilty about being ungrateful to my mom. I can say I hope she knows I love her, but I so badly just want her to know that I love her and shouldn't just hope she knows. I should make sure she knows - even when I'm upset with her about the stupidest things. I want that to change. I want my mother to know that she is one of the most cherished people in my life. I cannot stand thinking of her leaving this life not knowing how much she means to me. I will not have her thinking I don't love her. I love my mom. So much!

Wallowing...

So, I'm wallowing. My brain has been doing it all day long - ever since I saw that Scott invited Brett over to play rock band - and remembering how he looked at her last night - dying for him to look at me that way. I think I must be crazy, blogging about a guy who I am no claim over whatsoever. I just think that I deserve great and yet, it always looks me over. Does a guy know that you're into him from one casual date experience? What do I need to do? Should I consider it my rejection that it's been a week and nothing has been said about it at all? I only got up the guts to do it with the hopes that it would end in rejection so I wouldn't have to care about him anymore anyway. But now, now I'm just hanging on... waiting... I feel ridiculous feeling this way. I really should just embrace trying to have fun and be happy. But not today... today I returned home the dog I picked off the streets last night, got feathers in my hair with Brett and told her how much I liked Scott, ate lunch, twice (NuWay & Schlotzky's), wandered around mopishly with Ashley (!), came home and ate more than half of my half gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream, and watched Drop Dead Diva - cute show. Yeah,,, today I'm wallowing.... I wish my room would magically be cleaned so I could just have peace and a sanctuary here... but alas... no such luck. Unless... unless I can get Aaron to do it... ugh, no such luck - even he doesn't want to deal with this mess... I can't blame him though. It's mainly laundry... *Bang my head with a pillow* ACK!! I just cannot seem to bring myself to buckle down and do it. I know I need to....
Oh well, I'm off work Monday and pretty sure nothing is going on - I just better snap out of this funk within the next hour so I can have a good time tonight! I hope my happy face is well rested!

Anxiety

I find my heart swimming in a sea of nervous motion and it feels so sick. I don't know whether to just sit in a dark room and cry away the anxiety or try and claw my way out of its oppressive grip. I find myself so flustered and confined feeling when around a lot of people - even people whom I usually love to hang out with. I think there is usually a trigger though - something that sets the cascade of nerves and fears loose. Today I think it might have been a combination of several things. I was nervous being around Scott after our date because we haven't talked about it at all. I was trying to avoid getting caught up in conversation by Kenny, Josh, and Robbie. And I was trying to put on a happy face over all of it. I just had to get away from it all. I left the room and stepped outside for maybe 5-10 minutes, just standing on the balcony by myself - rocking back and forth while holding my arms folded. Even when I did have the nerve to go back inside I couldn't help but wring my hands or fidget nervously. In the end, I just did not want to stay, being the way I was. So I slipped out - hopefully unnoticed, but at the same time wishing someone noticed. I do not want to get attention from this - I'm not seeking attention, but I do want to know I'm not completely alone in it all. I came home and did the dishes, because that always relaxes me when I do it for other people- not quite the same cathartic experience, but slightly helpful. Afterwards I escaped to my room, where I watched some TV on Hulu and am now doing this - hoping to also ease the tension. It helps. So does talking to Joseph on Facebook. I love my brothers :) All of them!

Best Weekend! Part 3

After TOFW was over we went back to our car and drove home. The drive home was great and so full of later at all the silliest things! Sarah really is so very funny! I wish I could remember it all! We got home around seven and by seven forty five I was out the door again. I had been texting Scott on the ride home and he informed me that a few of them were meeting to go to the Carnival that was in the Towne West Mall parking lot - you know, one of those mobile ones! So I as super excited to go! Jacob and Aaron declined my invitation and poor Michael was working - as usual :( So it turned out being just Me, Scott, Brett, Josh, and Kenny. We all went on the Pirate ship ride first! The big ship that swings back and forth, going up really high and then dropping you down! I have such a huge fear of that falling and the terror just naturally rose up in my chest (along with my stomach) and I screamed so much each time we could come down from going up. I really do love that ride though and was laughing the whole time! After that Brett, Scott, and Josh were all really brave and went up in this one ride that straps you into these metal box cars kind of, with seats inside, and then it basically just goes swinging to and fro and up and around in a big circle - actually hanging you upside down at one point! I would have screamed my head off! But they all liked it! We then went and watched Kenny go on a ride where you all stand against the wall of a giant metal circle which then spins around really fast and tilts up at an angle - again, super creepy for me! The boys and I then went on the Tilt-a-Whirl, which are like half egg shells that you kind of sit in and then as the platform beneath you goes around, up and down, the plate which the shells sits on tilts left and right and you can spin around really fast! Luckily I had Kenny as my seat partner and he knew what to do and we spun so fast sometimes! Poor Scott and Josh had no idea and only moved when the ride moved them. But it was such a fun ride! They all then went and rode on the swings. Scott and Josh were sitting on one side while Brett and Kenny sat on the other, and while waiting to see if more would come, Josh and Scott started bumping each other and kicking on each others' swings and the carnival worker said "Don't get crazy!" LOL - Best line of the night! We repeated it many times thereafter! As a final thing, Brett and I rode the Pirate Ship again and then we called it at the carnival! It was so much fun!! It was a pity that the ferris wheel was $5 to ride or else I would have gladly gone up it in. I forgot to see how much the Carousel was... Oh well! LOL - although Scott did set me straight about the difference between a Carousel and a Merry-Go-Round, which is what I called it originally.
The night was pretty chilly and because I was silly and didn't bring a jacket, I was COLD! So we all went to Village Inn and got some foods. I got hot chocolate and a slice of lemon supreme pie! Pure deliciousness! Christin Brown joined us and we just had some of the best talking ever! I don't even know if I can call it conversation because it was really so random at times! Tattlebox! Don't get Crazy! LOL!
Oh man, I had such a good time tonight and this whole weekend, just superb... seriously! I feel so good and recharged! I pray I don't let it go.

Best Weekend! Part 2

Saturday - T.O.F.W. :
Saturday started with my alarm clock going off at six thirty a.m.! My own fault because I needed to shower in the morning - otherwise my hair just never works! So I took my shower - so grateful for shampoo and conditioner that mom let me use! I got dressed and went into the room and peeked out of the curtains - no sun rise, too clouded over :( But I bet OK has nothing on KS sunrises! Sarah woke up about that time and we finished getting our stuff packed away. We left the hotel about 7am and went to Whataburger for breakfast! Now, I know that sounds crazy, but they are open 24hr/day and they DO have a breakfast menu - granted that didn't stop me from ordering a double cheeseburger for breakfast! hehe! It was super tasty! So after breakfast we made a quick run to a Circle K for conference snacks and Wal-Mart for feminine items that Sarah needed. We got to the convention center and made it to our seats that Alaina had saved for us (what an angel! - lol, Her sister Angel was there too - and her mother in law!) just Five minutes before everything started!!
It opened with Music by Hillary Weeks. She has some of the most gorgeous tear-invoking music I have ever heard! It was gorgeous! (As was she!) The first speaker was Mariama Kallon, a sister from Sierra Leone, and oh my gosh - she blew me away! She was fantastic! Inspiration and pure gratitude embodied on earth. She told us of her childhood and how she put herself through school digging pens and pencils out of trashcans and collection scraps of paper for a notebook. She told us of when she and her sister were held captive by some rebel forces and they were all lined up about to have their arms and legs chopped off. Her sister was fifth in line and she was tenth. She prayed to the Lord, she had faith and knew that there was something he could do to help save her and some of these women. Their soldiers came and saved the two women in front of her and the five after her. Her sister's legs and arms were cut off and she was sent to a village where the amputees were cared for where she died. She served a mission in Temple Square and had no family to write her and never got any packages, but the loving sister missionaries around her wrote to their mothers about her and soon she was receiving packages from all their mothers! She was so grateful! A story was told by her mission president in video form. He says "One day I was walking across Temple Square and I saw Sister Kallon running towards the South Gate and I asked her what she was doing, and she said 'I am going to meet a black man!' and then she just kept on going. What I didn't know was that just before I saw her there, she had gone into the coat closet and poured out her soul to the Lord, asking him to send to her a black man, someone from West Africa like her, whom she rarely saw on Temple Square, one whom she could teach the gospel too. She told the Lord where she was going and then got up and ran there! I assumed when she told me that she had had an appointment with a man there, but no, she simply went. I asked her how long she had waited and she said about five minutes - and then, there was a man from Ghana, a country not far from her own. And she taught him the Gospel." (Forgive my horrible retelling, it is definitely not direct quote.) She related the scriptures so well to our lives and told us how very grateful she was for so many things, including bosoms- because you can carry a great many things in them! (That had us laughing SO Hard!) She was fantastic! So inspirational!
After Mariama was done spreaking Hillary took the stage again and told us stories and sang songs - it was wonderful! She told us how she had read once that we once think 300 negative thoughts a day, 300! She wanted to know if it was true and went and bought a clicker and started clicking away for all those negative thoughts. One day, she was so depressed, and she asked herself, "Could this be because of the clicker?" Was it because she was thinking only and focusing only on those negative things - so she switched it up, she started clicking for all the things she was grateful for! It was wonderful! (They even sold the clickers at the TOFW Store! I didn't buy one, but they sold out!) There were so many other wonderful stories she told and I wish I could remember them all! Her music though, so fun and original and also so spiritual and uplifting!
Next was the Mother/Daughter team of Linda Eyre and Shawni Pothier. Both amazing women who spoke on finding Holiness in Motherhood. Shawni take the most amazing photos! I feel bad, but I do not remember specific stories that they told, but I do know that they were marvelous.
After they spoke, the sole male presenter spoke, S. Michael Wilcox. He spoke about his late wife (who apparently my parents knew) and he talked about how we can be related to a navigator's compass - that tool you use to draw straight lines and circles that kind of is like two pencils stuck together on a pivot. We need to fix our one point firmly in the Gospel of Jesus Christ and then allow ourselves to reach out and find joy, light, knowledge, and truths in so many other things, other religions included. It was a wonderful talk and he spoke of his wife and my heart just broke for him. It was great though, to hear him and learn from him.
After that was lunch! We walked over to Abuelos and had lunch with Alaina, Angel, and their mother (how I wish I remembered her name!) Sarah is so mischievous! She poured two, not One, but TWO, sugar packets into mom's Sprite while she wasn't paying attention! The funny things about it was that mom had ordered her Sprite with lemons to cut the sweetness! When mom drank it she mad the most funny face ever. And the waiter had seen Sarah do it and brought mom another Sprite and mom had no idea why he was bringing her another one when she had barely touched the first one! It was so stinking funny!
We were a little late getting back from lunch, but got there in time to hear Hillary sing another song before the next presenter spoke, who was Wendy Ulrich. Her presentation I took notes on. It was about how to be happy!
1. Stop worrying about your weaknesses - focus on your strengths. Find a new and creative way to use your strengths.
2. Don't try to be motivated to exercise. Motivation follows action! She told us a story she read in a Running magazine while sitting in her chiropractor's office - because it was the only thing to read! The man in the article said that he sometimes felt there were little gremlins in his head that discouraged him from exercising, so he had to trick them in order to be able to go running. He'd get home from work around 5:30 and would put on his running clothes - not because he was going running, but because they were comfortable - and the gremlins were okay with this. Then he would walk to the front door - not to go running, but to see what the weather was like outdoors. Then he would walk to the end of the driveway, just to see what the neighbors were doing - and by that time he said - well, since I'm out here, I might as well go running! And then he went! She told us to just start small and build.
3. Stop trying to find friends; instead spend that time developing the skills of Friendship. Have one meaningful conversation a day!
4. Don't try to be Happy. Try to Feel Grateful. Write down 3 good things that happened in the day and why they happened - which will lead to more things you are grateful for!
5. Celebrate Failure! Failure means we are taking the necessary risks to grow, stretch, serve.
6. Don't bother to get therapy, just get happy! Don't get help with your problems, just help others with theirs.
7. Don't Endure to the End. Life is not be endured, it is to be enjoyed! Brainstorm five tiny pleasures to be enjoyed this week. Savor Everyday Delights!
I loved her talk!
The last presenter, before Hillary sang her closing song, was Mary Ellen Edmunds- and man, that woman has such a spirit to her! She reminds me a lot of mom. She us this great story to get her talk going. (Again excuse my paraphrasing.) This big family was on vacation - normally they went to the grocery store and just had picnic lunches, but today they all went to a restaurant and splurged a little. The waitress was going around taking everyone's orders and soon asked a little boy, about six or seven, what he wanted to eat. The little boy looked at his mother who was not paying full attention, and was so confused, because normally people just ordered for him. Finally he said "I want a hot dog." By this time the mother had turned her attention to him and started telling the waitress what she wanted to order for the boy. The waitress never turned to face the mother but instead asked the boy "And what do you want on your hot dog?" The mother was in stunned silence and the boy rattled off all the condiments he wanted "Ketchup, mustard, onions, pickles..." The waitress then took the last couple of orders and went off to the kitchen. The boy looked around for a minute and in pure bewilderment said "She must think I'm real!" --- It was so cute! Her point was to tell us though that WE ARE REAL! We are real to our Heavenly Father and he is so aware of us! She really was fantastic to listen to and she said so many other wonderful things I wish I could remember them all. She did however, along with another presenter call Satan "What's his no-face" and a "No-body"! He he!
That was the end of T.O.F.W. I am so pleased that I was able to experience this with the women I was around and hear such wonderful, inspiring, uplifting words! I pray I can keep this spirit with me!

Best Weekend! Part 1

This weekend was pure BLISS!!
Friday: No work in the morning because I have the entire day off!! YAY! Sarah gets off work in the morning, our bags are packed and we (Mom, Sarah, Vickey Beeson, and I) are on our way to OKC for Time Out For Women! The car ride down went well and was full of good conversation! We had lunch at The Cheesecake Factory - which I was so grateful that we went there because I had only mentioned to my mom how much I wanted to eat there and she made it happen!! I had some absolutely fabulous tomato basil pasta with fresh mozzarella and chicken in it and their blueberry white chocolate truffle cheesecake! Amazing food! Then we went to our hotel, the Biltmore, and laid down for a few minutes. Sarah passed out - poor thing! We only dozed for about 10 minutes and then we all went swimming in the hotel pool. It was so much fun! I dunked mom at least 3 times - I mean I had to! No one was there to dunk me! LOL!! It was pure brilliance when Sarah and I both tried to take her down and we couldn't! We were all so silly! After swimming we got showered and dressed and went to the OKC Convention Center for the Friday night events! It was SO crowded with women! There were vendors selling snacks of all kind and after I went and bought mom some almonds to keep her blood sugar up, I was having a serious panic/anxiety issue, so I traded seats with Sarah and it worked out just fine.
T.O.F.W. started with some amazing words by Virginia Pearce. She spoke of Eliza R. Snow and her life and how much she admired her and how much we can learn from her. She spoke of her mother - Sister Hinckley, and how much she learned from her and valued the lessons she taught her. It was a wonderful presentation. After Sister Pearce there was a musical presentation by Macy Robinson - which is on CD entitled "Children Will Listen" - it was all about her mother and her life and how things worked out because of the things she had heard and seen her mother say and do. She was such an inspiration! Her voice had a very theatrical tone to her and her songs were sometimes very whimsical and funny! I enjoyed it thoroughly! Her performance was actually broken up into two parts - before and after a break/other speaker, but it was fabulous in its entirety! The other speaker that evening was Emily Watts - she was amazing! She talked about girls camp and related how if we all feel so much better about ourselves when we accomplish those things that are hard! She was so fun to listen to! Macy sang a closing song and then it was over. We went back to our hotel room after grabbing some Sonic for dinner. We played two games of Rummikub and then, at a little after midnight - put ourselves to bed. It was such a fun day!