Anxiety

I find my heart swimming in a sea of nervous motion and it feels so sick. I don't know whether to just sit in a dark room and cry away the anxiety or try and claw my way out of its oppressive grip. I find myself so flustered and confined feeling when around a lot of people - even people whom I usually love to hang out with. I think there is usually a trigger though - something that sets the cascade of nerves and fears loose. Today I think it might have been a combination of several things. I was nervous being around Scott after our date because we haven't talked about it at all. I was trying to avoid getting caught up in conversation by Kenny, Josh, and Robbie. And I was trying to put on a happy face over all of it. I just had to get away from it all. I left the room and stepped outside for maybe 5-10 minutes, just standing on the balcony by myself - rocking back and forth while holding my arms folded. Even when I did have the nerve to go back inside I couldn't help but wring my hands or fidget nervously. In the end, I just did not want to stay, being the way I was. So I slipped out - hopefully unnoticed, but at the same time wishing someone noticed. I do not want to get attention from this - I'm not seeking attention, but I do want to know I'm not completely alone in it all. I came home and did the dishes, because that always relaxes me when I do it for other people- not quite the same cathartic experience, but slightly helpful. Afterwards I escaped to my room, where I watched some TV on Hulu and am now doing this - hoping to also ease the tension. It helps. So does talking to Joseph on Facebook. I love my brothers :) All of them!