Moving to Utah

I decided a few weeks ago that I am moving to Utah after Christmas. I am going to live with Joe & Sarah until I am able to obtain a job and a roommate. I am excited and scared.

Belated Birthday Thoughts

So, as we all know (now), yesterday was my birthday. I turned twenty-six! I am not sure exactly how I feel about all of it, but I do know that I am greatly blessed. A lot of people love me and I truly felt that yesterday. It was a really nice day!

Those Big Questions

So, I have decided, that despite knowing the generic answers to these big questions, I want to know the answers for them for me, specifically.

I want to know the following:
*Where did I come from?
*Why am I here?
*Where am I going?

These may seem like they have basic "seminary" answers, but I want to dive into them, really ponder and pray about it and find my reason for being where I am right now, and figure out if I am in the right spot. I could be in the wrong place and not even know it.
So, that is my personal pursuit as of now. I am going to figure out ME. It will not be easy, and I will probably want to give up. But I believe, so earnestly, that if I answer these questions, I will be able to find some joy and happiness in my life that will help extinguish all the negativity that's been poisoning my system lately.
I start tonight with a prayer.

Lonesome

(Going Purple in honor of the sweater I wore today!)

Anyway, today was a fairly good day. It was raining and we had to take Michael's car to church today - I went over a bump in the road too fast and the weight in the back of the car caused the new suspension to break :( The Harrison Park Ward had a new bishop called, Bishop Aaron Harris! (I knew it would be him!) Sunday School was really good- Nate taught about the book of Hebrews. I learned a lot and so admire his knowledge of the scriptures. Relief Society was good - my teacher cancelled on me this morning via text message :( so I ended up winging the lesson; thankfully the sisters were very good with their comments today! The linger longer went well, good amount of people & food. The missionary fireside was tonight and it went well. Almost everyone had an opportunity to ask a question, give an answer, or share an experience. The Elders also gave a very good mini lesson on Spiritual v. Social Conversion and our roles in each.
However, as most things go- I started having a bunch of feelings and ended up kind of withdrawing emotionally from the whole scene. I hate that it reads on my face so easily that my mind is burdened with something. It is rather difficult to hide though, that feeling of wanting to burst into tears. It all comes down to this though: I am longing for a man of my own. Someone who understands my moods, knows when I need a hug and is there for me to hug whenever, someone who I can always count on to make me smile. I just was feeling really lonesome today and I could not shake it. I desperately wanted a hug, but not from a sister. They are always willing to dole out the compliments & hugs. Why can't a guy? Why won't a guy notice how great my hair looks or how sweet I am? I know it is not fair to expect these things, but I just really wished I could have gotten a hug tonight. I needed one, so bad! I still do. I honestly feel like I just need to collapse into someone's embrace and just cry. Nothing in particular is wrong, but I have these pent up emotions that need to be released. I hate bottling them up, but it is just want I have to do.
Sigh, so anyway - that's where things are right now. Me = lonely. Still. :(

Catch-up

Time to play a little bit of catch-up.
Let's see, I worked a lot this summer, especially right before school started up again, but now I'm trying to figure out how to get 40 hours a week. I love being a trainer, but hate that no one respects the position. Church is going well - ish. I'm still the Relief Society president and my counselors are FINALLY both back in town and able to get down to business again. We've instituted the Grub Club - whose first meeting is this week (Ice cream @ Marble Slab Creamery.) Hope it goes well. I'm no longer "officially" on the Institute council. Scott moved back home to Washington to work for Boeing (sad, but good for him.) Joe & Sarah have moved to Utah so Joe can attend the University of Utah for law school, and Sarah's pregnant! (Baby is due sometime in March!) Aaron is back up at K-State for school and working as a ticket-taker/usher at the stadium. Michael still works @ Wally World and Jacob works at Applebee's up in Park City.
I officially decided that I'm going to move to Utah. I'm saving $25 from each paycheck and putting it away for my moving funds. I can live with Joe & Sarah temporarily until I find a roommate & job, which hopefully won't take too long. I really think this is the right thing to do.
I guess nothing else is new much. Still just trying to keep my head above water by will alone.

F.I.N.E.

How is it possible that I feel this disappointed in myself and my life? I have only that small shred of self confidence that fights so desperately to find the brightness in things, yelling at me "It will be okay. You are a daughter of God. You are loved. You have a lot going for you. Don't give up." It has to fight so hard because it knows that if it didn't then I would just give into the darkness. I would let myself fall and not care where I land whether it be on a street corner or six feet under. I just look at myself and the only way I can is by focusing on the one or two things I like about myself (my eyes and my hair or teeth usually). If I were to take my whole self in I get saddened and disgusted. I caught myself in the mirror at Stephanie's today and thought "Oh my god, is that what it looks like when I sit that way, crap!" I hate the way I look. I cannot stand how fat I am.
And yet I'm scared. And I doubt my willpower and ability. It is so easy to say " Well, I can make the changes necessary, I can exercise daily by going on little jog/walks" but then my self doubt creeps in "No you can't. You know that you'll do it for a week or two max and then you'll find some convenient excuse to skip it one day, and then another, and then pretty soon you're right back where you started. Because you're useless and have no staying power." Yeah, I am my own worst enemy, but then again, they say that this is common in the world, but it doesn't make my personal challenges any less real or important, or hard!
I just want things to be different. I have a friend who always says she feels like a failure as a wife because she's having troubles conceiving. She is a great wife to her luckiest-man-on-earth husband. I know how she feels though, now. I feel like I'm a failure as a woman because no man is attracted to me and no man wants to be with me. I feel like a failure as a person because I have no set education goals and am not really looking to set any. I am unfortunately set in this rut where I just want to survive until something comes along to take care of me- to where I don't have to worry about it anymore. I think I might be waiting for a bus to hit me or something. I honestly would be scared if I counted how many times I thought about myself dying.
I guess for now though, I'm just going to have to be okay with being F.I.N.E.

Dr. Jekyll Anyone?

So, apparently I am a mean person who tells people to leave from activities and makes them feel unwelcome - who then deserves to be talked about behind my back in front of others who did not know anything about what really happened and were just listening to the gossip of others and relying on it as truth. Way to go me.
Yeah, so I was not mean. I was stern if nothing else. I am not about to let some random guys who are immature get Scott & Dave in trouble at their apartment complex just because they want to have a little fun. I simply told them to respect the rules or disrespect them somewhere else.
This age gap is annoying.