Working my way around it

So, it's obviously been a long time since my last post. I did warn that I'm not any good at this. The only reason I'm here today is I'm at work and they have nothing for me to do. So, while sitting around twiddling my thumbs I thought "I'll go write a blog post." Yeah, so here I am.
Nothing terribly exciting has happened recently. I turned 27. We spent Thanksgiving in AZ for a family reunion, which was really nice. The trade off for that was I had to spend Christmas and New Year's alone this year. It was interesting, but I had Maranda and her mom, so it wasn't all bad. I had a date this past Saturday night that resulted in many firsts for me. It was pleasant, but the guy is still held up on his ex, so I'm waiting patiently, not expecting anything. I have found that a lot recently, I distance myself emotionally - it makes it easier to deal with the disappointment that usually results from such encounters. Oh well.
So that's pretty much it. I'm still working at UTA. I did just get hired as an LPI (kind of like a jr. trainer) so I'll get paid more for that and it looks good on the resume. I've been working with the planning department a lot more lately, which is also nice and puts more good things on my shoulders. Other drivers take different looks on it though - I hate being called a brown noser - probably due to all the years growing up that my brothers would tease me about that - so when the drivers do it it really irks me. But thankfully I'm getting older and more mature to where I know they are just jealous of my drive and success. But nothing new elsewise I think... I have a trip planned to go home in May for Aaron's graduation. That'll be fun!
All in all, I'm kind of just coasting along. Progression has kind of stalled for me. Sad, but true. Dad wants me to go back to school. Yeah, I'd like that too. It's just so hard to think about. Sigh.

Where I Fit In

Whenever I find myself really happy at work, I remember that I fit in there. I am generally happy at work because I always strive to be pleasant and exceed at my job. I find that people usually think I am a nice person and are glad to accept my extra efforts to help. I like theese days when I find myself smiling and happy. They are far too few recently.

Just an Update...

Because I'm so wonderfully horrific at updating my blog.

I moved into a basement apartment with a girl from church named Valery Pozo. She's really sweet, smart, and loves to bake. I still work at UTA and I'm beginning to feel a bit burnt out on it. I am now a Visiting Teaching Coordinator for church and it has been a slow process getting everyone's VT assigned and accounted for. I still miss my family a lot and there are days when I just feel so very alone. I have made a friend in Utah. Her name is Maranda and I met her on ldschat. Ashley Gardner wants me to move back to KS and live with her, but I am just not feeling that there is anything in KS besides my family, and like I told her, my life has to be about something other than my family. I can't rely on them to make it happy. Lately I've been struggling really hard to have good days. The littlest things (traffic, bad drivers, work schedules, customers, parking tickets..ect) just set me off and I get really angry/moody and my whole day just goes black. I told this to mom last night when she called (which is super rare, mom never "just calls") and she was surprised at how sad I was in general. Kept telling me to ignore those things which upset me and be positive. Yeah, it's the same advice I give myself when I want to calm down. I'm currently attempting to save money for the trip to Arizona over Thanksgiving for the Favre Family Reunion that's going on then. I'm excited about it, but it seems as if obstacles are just popping up everywhere, like these parking tickets :( They siphoned away all the money I was going to put away from this paycheck. Oh well. I finally cleaned my room again and I do love having a clean room. It just makes me feel less like I'm living in a hole and therefore it's okay to be sad and depressed all the time. My car is almost clean. I've just been eating breakfast recently & need to throw those bags away. I'll have to do that today before church to give Valery a ride.  I don't really know what else to say. My life just hasn't changed all that much except that I'm becoming a more angry person. I kind of feel like I'm morphing into my dad- during his earlier years- and can be set off on the littlest things. It scares me and I don't like it. So I'm working on it. Well, That's pretty much it though. Dinner tonight at Joe & Sarah's as usual. I'm making cookies.

Staying Put

Today was a very good day - so far at least!
I was able to wake up after a good night of sleep. I got ready for church and wore one of my pretty dresses & high heels :) I was able to set up the chapel and the talks on the Armor of God were amazing! Gotta love a talk that references LOTR :P (Thanks Jeremy!) Sunday school was great! We talked about faith being a little seed and how we let it grow!
S well
E nlarge
E nlighten
D elicious
Great acronym right? I absolutely love our Sunday School teacher Jason Jacobs because he is so very enthusiastic and prepared! He even showed us a map today of the proposed areas of the Book of Mormon and it's all in the tail of Mexico! That is so exciting to think of it that way!! It was a really really good lesson.
Relief Society was good as well - we had a lesson on Elder Uchtdorf's talk "The Merciful Shall Obtain Mercy" - which is about not being critical of others and forgiving others - including ourselves. Great lesson.
We had a mingle with ham & cheese sliders- very tasty! And I'm currently working on cookies for Ward prayer tonight. My first batch just came out of the oven, burned :( So I'm going to lower the temp and time and watch them a bit more carefully :)
Making shepherd's pie for dinner with Joe& Sarah tonight :)

Dinner with Thane

I had dinner with Thane Rockwood tonight. He was driving through Salt Lake City on his way to Los Angeles for his new job. We met up for dinner and talked for a good couple of hours. I love talking to him because I know he doesn't judge me and I can just be myself and tell him everything. He recognizes the fact that I'm depressed. I've known it for a long time, but always try to push it aside because, well, it depresses me. LOL! It was nice. Oh well.

100th post.... So where's the cake?

So you know how when they shoot a large number of episodes on a show, especially the 100th, there is a big party and a huge cake... I'm just saying that would be nice right about now, the cake, not necessarily the party. Although I would love the company.
I seem like such a solitary person, but honestly, in a new environment, it is because I do not want to be perceived as sticking myself in. I would so much rather be invited in. So I hang out in the background or to the side a little. If someone comes and talks to me I go for it, but often because of the lack of familiarity almost all attempts at a good conversational flow go wrong. I try to initiate activities, I invite others to go to the Temple with me, or ask if anyone wants to go see a movie. Perhaps these attempts always fail because I always just ask generally versus individually. It is scary for me to do the latter. Especially when considering to ask a guy to go do something with me. Although there is one I wish I had the guts to do something about. Sigh.
So, today is the perfect example: I go to work at 4:30am and am off by 8:30am. I post on Facebook about wanting to go see the Avengers - it's a hot movie right now, I figure someone must not have seen it yet and would like to go with me - but alas. No such luck, so I sit at home, in my room because Joe & Sarah are watching shows on her laptop and I really can't see all that well from the kitchen table where I have to sit because there's no furniture other than the loveseat - and I watch shows on my laptop (not having cable is not that bad.) I venture out to eat a bagel now and again, but no messages on my phone, no one calling to see how I'm doing, no one I know I could call and go hang out with. So I'll sit here and watch more shows on my laptop until it is time to go to bed tonight. Lame? Yeah, I know it is.
I know instead of whining I should just go and do something, ask someone in particular or just go out and do something by myself, but is it so wrong that if I'm going to a movie I want to go with someone? Or if I go to eat somewhere I don't want to go alone? I mean I eat alone at work all the time, so when I'm home or elsewhere, I'd like to have company. I could insert myself more into Joe & Sarah's world, but I already feel like such a lump to them. I'm so glad to be moving out in a little over a week. At least then I will have a piano to play with in my pitiful alone time.
I guess on the up side of all of this, and I have to mention because it made me feel so good, there are still people who think of me occasionally. I got a text from Brett Anderson the other day because she is the new RS pres for her branch and she thought of me. I got a long text from Brittany Kester about how much she misses me and was grateful for my friendship. And every Monday, almost, I get a letter back from Grant Anderson who is on his mission. I appreciate the contact with people. (This made me jump to a tangent Google search for pen pals. I'll just browse around, I know nothing beats personal interaction.)
Anyway, so 100 posts down and hopefully more to come.

Highlights of late: Gabriel was blessed on Sunday March 5th, Dad and the brothers were in town for it. Nothing much else.

Glimpses

I get these glimpses sometimes at church, where it feels like the fog is lifting and there is "hope smiling brightly before me," but then the doubt kicks in and I'm lost again. I feel as though my fingers are lightly touching the iron rod and I am gliding along, never losing touch of it, but not grasping tightly. I feel stuck in the same rut I was in when I was in KS, but with fewer friends and family to lean on. I'm not able to come to any solid decision about my future and I am scared because I do not know what the future might hold. I know what I would desire it to hold, but I often am so afraid that it is too late, that I wasn't good enough to deserve those promised blessings. Is it too late? It scares me so much to think so. And yet, despite this great fear that lives within me, I do nothing to shine the light on the problems that would bar the way and do nothing to adjust my lifestyle and attitude to fix said problems. I KNOW I should read my scriptures and say my prayers daily, but do I? No. Why? I am lazy. I KNOW I should pay my tithing faithfully, do I? No. Why? I worry too much about the temporal things and I have wanton whims that I fulfill instead of budgeting wisely. I frustrate myself to no end. And yet I sit here on the verge of tears because I am so sick of what I am and want to desperately change, but know that tomorrow, I will not do anything differently. I moved to Utah to change my pace of life... I honestly haven't. I still do all the same things I did in Kansas. So what was the point of the move? I felt good about coming here. I felt that it was the right thing to do. I prayed about it and knew it was the right thing to do. But I haven't done anything to make life here better. I haven't done anything to progress. I guess I just expected things to get better because I was in a new city and surrounded by new people who didn't know me for who I truly am, even though there were few in Wichita who did either. (Remember to remove eye makeup before crying because it burns!) But seriously, I just wonder what on earth is wrong with me. Why do I allow myself to be so weak? Why do I lack the faith? That is what it is too. I lack the faith to strive diligently. Here I sit, twenty six and single, worried that I will be single forever due to my physical appearance, when also I worry that the reason I'm still single is because I have not been living the way that I should be. I have not been doing that I should. And I worry that it is too late. I wonder Why try when it might be too late? But then it might NOT be too late. There is a chance, if I have faith and hope, that it is NOT too late. That I CAN achieve those blessings still. But here comes the great caveat- I HAVE TO START LIVING THE WAY I AM SUPPOSED TO BE! I have to read my scriptures DAILY, I have to pray CONSTANTLY, I have to pay my tithing FAITHFULLY. and most of all, I have to not let my self fall back into the rut. I have to not let myself take the easy road of coasting with my fingers barely touching the Iron Rod. I need to grasp it as if my life depends on it, because in truth, my eternal life does.
I just worry that I am not strong enough - but my heart (and the Spirit) tells me that I don't have to be strong enough to do it alone. I need to realize that I cannot do it alone and that I will need to be reliant on the Lord.
I worry that I am all alone - when my heart tells me that I am never alone so long as I let Him in.
I'm scared - it is because I lack the faith that know that with Him I cannot fail as long as I put my whole heart & trust in Him.

What I wouldn't give to have those glimpses become my full vision - daily.