A Blessing....

I have been most uncertain lately, about a lot of things: work, school, relationships, church, health, ect. I have not been applying myself with due diligence to those things which should be most important in my life. I have been allowing those non-essentials to crowd my time. Alex, and all that came with him, was a huge non-essential. As "nice" as it was to have someone who cared about me, it was only crushing my soul. He was a scapegoat; because I "loved" him, I allowed myself to go back to doing things that I knew were not right. I was not strong. I was very weak and I hope to be better. I blame myself for not holding out for a more righteous companion. I was so desperate for someone to love me that I did not care, at that time, that he was not good for me. I say "at that time" because I knew then, but more fully now, that he was not right for me and no matter how much we both said we would be good, we knew we would not. It was "fun" to be bad. I remember crying to myself after some of our interactions, because I knew what had gone on was wrong. I knew it was a shameful act and I was ashamed - not enough to not do it again though. I feel awful now thinking back on it. I want to just rewind my life about six years and start all over again. Making the right choices.
But we cannot rewind the tape or turn back the clock. There is only the future to look forward to and today, that future is bright! Today I was blessed with the assurance that those blessings that I desire with all of my heart, as promised in my Patriarchal Blessing (pb), have not been lost, that as long as I live righteously, they are still obtainable. I was unsure of these things. I was afraid that I had done so much wrong that there was no way I would be able to obtain those blessings anymore. I was so scared. I am SO grateful for the men in my life; my brothers and my father. Their faithfulness in their calling to hold the Priesthood is a marvelous example to me. I love them for their diligence in the matter and am ever blessed because of it. I was surrounded by the stomaches and love of my oldest and younger brother and my father. My heart grieved for the missing two brothers. I pray that in time they'll come to realize the greatness of the Gospel and the peace and harmony that can come through it. Jacob proclaims to know the truth of it, yet refuses to live by it's precepts. Aaron just blatantly rejects it, seeing it as restrictive and something that is being forced upon him. I hope he'll come back to it of his own volition, so that his testimony may be made strong. I love my family so, I want them ALL to be with me in eternity.