Where I Fit In

Whenever I find myself really happy at work, I remember that I fit in there. I am generally happy at work because I always strive to be pleasant and exceed at my job. I find that people usually think I am a nice person and are glad to accept my extra efforts to help. I like theese days when I find myself smiling and happy. They are far too few recently.

Just an Update...

Because I'm so wonderfully horrific at updating my blog.

I moved into a basement apartment with a girl from church named Valery Pozo. She's really sweet, smart, and loves to bake. I still work at UTA and I'm beginning to feel a bit burnt out on it. I am now a Visiting Teaching Coordinator for church and it has been a slow process getting everyone's VT assigned and accounted for. I still miss my family a lot and there are days when I just feel so very alone. I have made a friend in Utah. Her name is Maranda and I met her on ldschat. Ashley Gardner wants me to move back to KS and live with her, but I am just not feeling that there is anything in KS besides my family, and like I told her, my life has to be about something other than my family. I can't rely on them to make it happy. Lately I've been struggling really hard to have good days. The littlest things (traffic, bad drivers, work schedules, customers, parking tickets..ect) just set me off and I get really angry/moody and my whole day just goes black. I told this to mom last night when she called (which is super rare, mom never "just calls") and she was surprised at how sad I was in general. Kept telling me to ignore those things which upset me and be positive. Yeah, it's the same advice I give myself when I want to calm down. I'm currently attempting to save money for the trip to Arizona over Thanksgiving for the Favre Family Reunion that's going on then. I'm excited about it, but it seems as if obstacles are just popping up everywhere, like these parking tickets :( They siphoned away all the money I was going to put away from this paycheck. Oh well. I finally cleaned my room again and I do love having a clean room. It just makes me feel less like I'm living in a hole and therefore it's okay to be sad and depressed all the time. My car is almost clean. I've just been eating breakfast recently & need to throw those bags away. I'll have to do that today before church to give Valery a ride.  I don't really know what else to say. My life just hasn't changed all that much except that I'm becoming a more angry person. I kind of feel like I'm morphing into my dad- during his earlier years- and can be set off on the littlest things. It scares me and I don't like it. So I'm working on it. Well, That's pretty much it though. Dinner tonight at Joe & Sarah's as usual. I'm making cookies.

Staying Put

Today was a very good day - so far at least!
I was able to wake up after a good night of sleep. I got ready for church and wore one of my pretty dresses & high heels :) I was able to set up the chapel and the talks on the Armor of God were amazing! Gotta love a talk that references LOTR :P (Thanks Jeremy!) Sunday school was great! We talked about faith being a little seed and how we let it grow!
S well
E nlarge
E nlighten
D elicious
Great acronym right? I absolutely love our Sunday School teacher Jason Jacobs because he is so very enthusiastic and prepared! He even showed us a map today of the proposed areas of the Book of Mormon and it's all in the tail of Mexico! That is so exciting to think of it that way!! It was a really really good lesson.
Relief Society was good as well - we had a lesson on Elder Uchtdorf's talk "The Merciful Shall Obtain Mercy" - which is about not being critical of others and forgiving others - including ourselves. Great lesson.
We had a mingle with ham & cheese sliders- very tasty! And I'm currently working on cookies for Ward prayer tonight. My first batch just came out of the oven, burned :( So I'm going to lower the temp and time and watch them a bit more carefully :)
Making shepherd's pie for dinner with Joe& Sarah tonight :)

Dinner with Thane

I had dinner with Thane Rockwood tonight. He was driving through Salt Lake City on his way to Los Angeles for his new job. We met up for dinner and talked for a good couple of hours. I love talking to him because I know he doesn't judge me and I can just be myself and tell him everything. He recognizes the fact that I'm depressed. I've known it for a long time, but always try to push it aside because, well, it depresses me. LOL! It was nice. Oh well.

100th post.... So where's the cake?

So you know how when they shoot a large number of episodes on a show, especially the 100th, there is a big party and a huge cake... I'm just saying that would be nice right about now, the cake, not necessarily the party. Although I would love the company.
I seem like such a solitary person, but honestly, in a new environment, it is because I do not want to be perceived as sticking myself in. I would so much rather be invited in. So I hang out in the background or to the side a little. If someone comes and talks to me I go for it, but often because of the lack of familiarity almost all attempts at a good conversational flow go wrong. I try to initiate activities, I invite others to go to the Temple with me, or ask if anyone wants to go see a movie. Perhaps these attempts always fail because I always just ask generally versus individually. It is scary for me to do the latter. Especially when considering to ask a guy to go do something with me. Although there is one I wish I had the guts to do something about. Sigh.
So, today is the perfect example: I go to work at 4:30am and am off by 8:30am. I post on Facebook about wanting to go see the Avengers - it's a hot movie right now, I figure someone must not have seen it yet and would like to go with me - but alas. No such luck, so I sit at home, in my room because Joe & Sarah are watching shows on her laptop and I really can't see all that well from the kitchen table where I have to sit because there's no furniture other than the loveseat - and I watch shows on my laptop (not having cable is not that bad.) I venture out to eat a bagel now and again, but no messages on my phone, no one calling to see how I'm doing, no one I know I could call and go hang out with. So I'll sit here and watch more shows on my laptop until it is time to go to bed tonight. Lame? Yeah, I know it is.
I know instead of whining I should just go and do something, ask someone in particular or just go out and do something by myself, but is it so wrong that if I'm going to a movie I want to go with someone? Or if I go to eat somewhere I don't want to go alone? I mean I eat alone at work all the time, so when I'm home or elsewhere, I'd like to have company. I could insert myself more into Joe & Sarah's world, but I already feel like such a lump to them. I'm so glad to be moving out in a little over a week. At least then I will have a piano to play with in my pitiful alone time.
I guess on the up side of all of this, and I have to mention because it made me feel so good, there are still people who think of me occasionally. I got a text from Brett Anderson the other day because she is the new RS pres for her branch and she thought of me. I got a long text from Brittany Kester about how much she misses me and was grateful for my friendship. And every Monday, almost, I get a letter back from Grant Anderson who is on his mission. I appreciate the contact with people. (This made me jump to a tangent Google search for pen pals. I'll just browse around, I know nothing beats personal interaction.)
Anyway, so 100 posts down and hopefully more to come.

Highlights of late: Gabriel was blessed on Sunday March 5th, Dad and the brothers were in town for it. Nothing much else.

Glimpses

I get these glimpses sometimes at church, where it feels like the fog is lifting and there is "hope smiling brightly before me," but then the doubt kicks in and I'm lost again. I feel as though my fingers are lightly touching the iron rod and I am gliding along, never losing touch of it, but not grasping tightly. I feel stuck in the same rut I was in when I was in KS, but with fewer friends and family to lean on. I'm not able to come to any solid decision about my future and I am scared because I do not know what the future might hold. I know what I would desire it to hold, but I often am so afraid that it is too late, that I wasn't good enough to deserve those promised blessings. Is it too late? It scares me so much to think so. And yet, despite this great fear that lives within me, I do nothing to shine the light on the problems that would bar the way and do nothing to adjust my lifestyle and attitude to fix said problems. I KNOW I should read my scriptures and say my prayers daily, but do I? No. Why? I am lazy. I KNOW I should pay my tithing faithfully, do I? No. Why? I worry too much about the temporal things and I have wanton whims that I fulfill instead of budgeting wisely. I frustrate myself to no end. And yet I sit here on the verge of tears because I am so sick of what I am and want to desperately change, but know that tomorrow, I will not do anything differently. I moved to Utah to change my pace of life... I honestly haven't. I still do all the same things I did in Kansas. So what was the point of the move? I felt good about coming here. I felt that it was the right thing to do. I prayed about it and knew it was the right thing to do. But I haven't done anything to make life here better. I haven't done anything to progress. I guess I just expected things to get better because I was in a new city and surrounded by new people who didn't know me for who I truly am, even though there were few in Wichita who did either. (Remember to remove eye makeup before crying because it burns!) But seriously, I just wonder what on earth is wrong with me. Why do I allow myself to be so weak? Why do I lack the faith? That is what it is too. I lack the faith to strive diligently. Here I sit, twenty six and single, worried that I will be single forever due to my physical appearance, when also I worry that the reason I'm still single is because I have not been living the way that I should be. I have not been doing that I should. And I worry that it is too late. I wonder Why try when it might be too late? But then it might NOT be too late. There is a chance, if I have faith and hope, that it is NOT too late. That I CAN achieve those blessings still. But here comes the great caveat- I HAVE TO START LIVING THE WAY I AM SUPPOSED TO BE! I have to read my scriptures DAILY, I have to pray CONSTANTLY, I have to pay my tithing FAITHFULLY. and most of all, I have to not let my self fall back into the rut. I have to not let myself take the easy road of coasting with my fingers barely touching the Iron Rod. I need to grasp it as if my life depends on it, because in truth, my eternal life does.
I just worry that I am not strong enough - but my heart (and the Spirit) tells me that I don't have to be strong enough to do it alone. I need to realize that I cannot do it alone and that I will need to be reliant on the Lord.
I worry that I am all alone - when my heart tells me that I am never alone so long as I let Him in.
I'm scared - it is because I lack the faith that know that with Him I cannot fail as long as I put my whole heart & trust in Him.

What I wouldn't give to have those glimpses become my full vision - daily.

Reaffirmation

My wallet was stolen. I have replaced most things, but held no hope to recover it. I went to the temple Thursday night. Friday, I got a call that someone had found it and was going to turn it in. Sweet! It was snowing really badly Thursday night after I left the temple. There are some pretty steep hills on my way back home. My car barely made them, but they made them! I felt so alone sitting in stake conference, someone from the ward sat next to me.
I am glad to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints! I know that without this Gospel, without the love of my Heavenly Father & Jesus Christ I would be a very deeply depressed person who seeks for comfort in all the wrong things. He knows me. He loves me. I love Him. I trust Him. I'm comforted knowing these things.

Oh such promises!

So, today I was set apart as a member of the Ward Prayer Committee - a calling that isn't huge, but it is nice to be a part of something. The really great part was during the setting apart though when Brother Sharp (a member of the bishopric) said that I was deeply loved by the Lord (3x!) and that I was here for a reason and in this valley for a reason! He said that as I read my scriptures and pray that I will come to find my purpose here and find peace in my purpose! Wonderful words! It is amazing to me how much the Lord knows exactly what is going on in my life and how much I need to hear those things.
Now, of course, blessings are dependent upon the diligence we give to obeying the commandments of the Lord. Which, at the moment, I suck at. I need to re-evaluate.

Introspection Scares Me...

So, yeah, I have some serious hurdles to work over, which sucks because my center of gravity is so low :P But seriously. I have come to realize, more so than normal, that the reason why I am so desperate, yes it is a correct term to use no matter how negative it sounds, for companionship: it is because I am so unhappy being alone. I am unsatisfied with the overall person that I am.
Now I can find a number of small reasons to love myself on a daily basis; my eyes are pretty, my hair looks good today, I kept my room clean (for today), ect... However, when I look at the total package, I am horrified and saddened by what I am confronted with. It takes a huge amount of will power to take it all in (and this is not just a fat joke at my own expense), I am seriously unhappy with who I am.
Usually when I get like this I put my blinders back on and only focus on those things that I like about myself, just pushing the other things back into the closet of my mind. However, on nights like tonight - when I've been bombarded by sappy love songs and desperately wanting a guy to hang out with - those closet doors bust open and all of the self hatred and sadness comes busting out to the surface. It just gets me down. I need help finding a way to "clean up" the mess. To get rid of the clutter and actually have a whole package that I am proud of.
Now, for anyone who knows me, none better than myself of course, I HATE cleaning my room. Usually I have to be in a spectacular mood and be pumped up by great singing music. That high only lasts on the rough average of an hour though... so yeah, the daunting task that my mind closet presents is horrifying. I have the same issue I always have when I even attempt to start this process. I'm all gung-ho at the beginning and then a week (or even a few days) later I am back to my old ways excusing myself for giving up. I mean seriously, I paid the YMCA for nearly 10 months of service and only used them for two months, irregularly at that. I am a push over because I kept telling myself that I would go back again.
I seriously lack a staying willpower and as much as I want to improve for myself, there is constantly a nagging thought that "no man wants a fat, unmotivated, unhealthy, sloppy girl." And that thought is right, no man who is worth wanting anyway. I mean, I read Daniel's profile on Facebook, I had NO idea how smart he is and what he does for a living. I was SO intimidated and immediately cowed into the idea that I'm not good enough for him. Which sucks, because I'm usually not good enough for them. I think I lack a lot of self confidence and I believe that seriously hurts my chances at finding someone. However, I do realize, that in order to be the other half to someone's whole, I need to be a whole half first. That makes sense mathematically I'm sure.
So, I blog out all the frustrations and pain. I set goals in my head, but where does that take me tomorrow? I think I'll just go for a walk. A long one. We'll see what thoughts are there after my walk.

The Fiery Poker of the Spirit

Today during Sacrament I felt something. It touched my heart and stirred my spirit. I was sitting there during the prayer thinking about the words of the hymn we had sang (Tis Sweet to Sing the Matchless Love) and as I put the bread in my mouth, in an instant, my mind was hijacked by another thought completely; Mosiah 18:8-10. The baptismal covenants, or those things which we promise with the Lord that we will do as His disciple. It was so touching. So wonderfully loving that I was brought near to tears. I tried to think of all the words in my head and it should be possible, knowing how many times we are read these verses in relation to baptism, but the words were not all there. A few were: "Mourn with those that mourn, comfort those that stand in need of comfort, be persecuted for my sake." I'm not sure that last one is in there, but it was in my mind.

So here is the real deal:

Mosiah 18:8-10
8. And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people and are willing to bear one another's burdens, that they may be light;
9. Yeah, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and to comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life --
10. Now I say unto you, if this be the desire of your hearts, what have you against being baptized in the name of the Lord, as a witness before him that ye have entered into a covenant with him , that ye will serve him and keep his commandments, that he may pour out his Spirit more abundantly upon you?

I love that! It is so crazy to think that we are the only thing holding ourselves back from having the Spirit of the Lord poured out more abundantly upon us. We love Him, we have to serve Him, and do all the things mentioned in verses eight and nine, but sometimes we are anxious and even hesitant to engage ourselves in that covenant making process. Out of fear perhaps that if we mess up, we're done? Out of a lack of resolve to always be on our game and doing what is right? Out of selfishness of our time, talents, energies, and blessings? Possibly because of all of those things. But what an invitation! He just lays it out for them; "If this be the desire of your hearts, what have you against being baptized?" I would ask that of so many of the people in this world who want to do good and serve the Lord, but do not want to be tied down by organized religion and the perceptions it invokes. It is sad. They are missing out.

But enough about other people, today was about me and my own personal growth of testimony. I was stirred on multiple occasions today. In Sunday school, being taught to see that all of the accounts in the Book of Mormon have shadows of Lehi & Nephi's visions of the Tree of Life in them, and how that vision is a shadow and type of Christ. It was amazing finding the relation between my favorite Book of Mormon story, Samuel the Lamanite, and the correlation to the vision. There stood Samuel on the wall, he had tasted of the fruit of the tree and he wanted his brethren to partake also, so he proclaimed unto them the things the Lord asked of him, inviting them, in a way, to come and partake also. Yet they threw slings, arrows, spears, and stones at him. They were mocking him from the great and spacious building. It is awesome! I would not have made that connection if I had not been at church today.

The gospel is just so marvelously personal, as is the Lord's love for us. I am constantly amazed and in awe of how much he knows me and what things are put in place so that I may learn something new or be reminded of his care. It blows me away. So my faith is rekindled, stoked by the fiery poker of the Spirit. I am humbled by it and grateful for it.

It is my witness that He, Jesus Christ, Lives.

So Now What?

So Now What?

I am beginning to realize that jumping at the first offer is not always a good thing, that sometimes it is worthwhile to hold out a bit longer for something better. My initial job offer in Utah is a super small, very under financed, crazy cheap school busing company. Their buses are all very old and probably not street legal, the boss is tyrannical and has this weird sense of knowing what it takes to drive a bus, even though she holds no CDL herself. It is just weird. So, I while I work on getting the air brakes endorsement on my license - which apparently in Utah comes hand in hand with a class B - I will be seeking out other employment options. I am working on my paperwork for UTA - which will have horrible hours, but good pay and benefits, and I today I am going with Sarah to the University Shuttle to see if I can get hired on there. I need income.
My ward was super small on Sunday, only about 50 people, but I guessed that was normal because school at the University doesn't start until the 9th. The whole feel of it was pretty basic, I was new, people talked to me because of the novelty of being new - I am cynical and did not feel any real interest. Oh well, perhaps next week will be different when I am lost in a sea of people. It will be super odd to not have any responsibilities except to myself. I signed up for two institute courses: Book of Mormon and Scripture Study: The Power of the Word. I'm excited about them. If nothing else it will give me an opportunity to get out of the house. Oh yes, a girl at church told me they have an available room - well, a shared room for $250/month. To me, that seems a little expensive for a shared room... but I don't know what the rest of the living conditions are like. But cannot even think about that until I have a steady paycheck coming in. I still owe Joe & Sarah for living with them this month.
Sigh, the money troubles never seem to end, they follow me everywhere. I suppose it is my own fault though, I dug the hole.
Well, I need to eat breakfast and brush my teeth before heading off for the morning.