Introspection Scares Me...

So, yeah, I have some serious hurdles to work over, which sucks because my center of gravity is so low :P But seriously. I have come to realize, more so than normal, that the reason why I am so desperate, yes it is a correct term to use no matter how negative it sounds, for companionship: it is because I am so unhappy being alone. I am unsatisfied with the overall person that I am.
Now I can find a number of small reasons to love myself on a daily basis; my eyes are pretty, my hair looks good today, I kept my room clean (for today), ect... However, when I look at the total package, I am horrified and saddened by what I am confronted with. It takes a huge amount of will power to take it all in (and this is not just a fat joke at my own expense), I am seriously unhappy with who I am.
Usually when I get like this I put my blinders back on and only focus on those things that I like about myself, just pushing the other things back into the closet of my mind. However, on nights like tonight - when I've been bombarded by sappy love songs and desperately wanting a guy to hang out with - those closet doors bust open and all of the self hatred and sadness comes busting out to the surface. It just gets me down. I need help finding a way to "clean up" the mess. To get rid of the clutter and actually have a whole package that I am proud of.
Now, for anyone who knows me, none better than myself of course, I HATE cleaning my room. Usually I have to be in a spectacular mood and be pumped up by great singing music. That high only lasts on the rough average of an hour though... so yeah, the daunting task that my mind closet presents is horrifying. I have the same issue I always have when I even attempt to start this process. I'm all gung-ho at the beginning and then a week (or even a few days) later I am back to my old ways excusing myself for giving up. I mean seriously, I paid the YMCA for nearly 10 months of service and only used them for two months, irregularly at that. I am a push over because I kept telling myself that I would go back again.
I seriously lack a staying willpower and as much as I want to improve for myself, there is constantly a nagging thought that "no man wants a fat, unmotivated, unhealthy, sloppy girl." And that thought is right, no man who is worth wanting anyway. I mean, I read Daniel's profile on Facebook, I had NO idea how smart he is and what he does for a living. I was SO intimidated and immediately cowed into the idea that I'm not good enough for him. Which sucks, because I'm usually not good enough for them. I think I lack a lot of self confidence and I believe that seriously hurts my chances at finding someone. However, I do realize, that in order to be the other half to someone's whole, I need to be a whole half first. That makes sense mathematically I'm sure.
So, I blog out all the frustrations and pain. I set goals in my head, but where does that take me tomorrow? I think I'll just go for a walk. A long one. We'll see what thoughts are there after my walk.

The Fiery Poker of the Spirit

Today during Sacrament I felt something. It touched my heart and stirred my spirit. I was sitting there during the prayer thinking about the words of the hymn we had sang (Tis Sweet to Sing the Matchless Love) and as I put the bread in my mouth, in an instant, my mind was hijacked by another thought completely; Mosiah 18:8-10. The baptismal covenants, or those things which we promise with the Lord that we will do as His disciple. It was so touching. So wonderfully loving that I was brought near to tears. I tried to think of all the words in my head and it should be possible, knowing how many times we are read these verses in relation to baptism, but the words were not all there. A few were: "Mourn with those that mourn, comfort those that stand in need of comfort, be persecuted for my sake." I'm not sure that last one is in there, but it was in my mind.

So here is the real deal:

Mosiah 18:8-10
8. And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people and are willing to bear one another's burdens, that they may be light;
9. Yeah, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and to comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life --
10. Now I say unto you, if this be the desire of your hearts, what have you against being baptized in the name of the Lord, as a witness before him that ye have entered into a covenant with him , that ye will serve him and keep his commandments, that he may pour out his Spirit more abundantly upon you?

I love that! It is so crazy to think that we are the only thing holding ourselves back from having the Spirit of the Lord poured out more abundantly upon us. We love Him, we have to serve Him, and do all the things mentioned in verses eight and nine, but sometimes we are anxious and even hesitant to engage ourselves in that covenant making process. Out of fear perhaps that if we mess up, we're done? Out of a lack of resolve to always be on our game and doing what is right? Out of selfishness of our time, talents, energies, and blessings? Possibly because of all of those things. But what an invitation! He just lays it out for them; "If this be the desire of your hearts, what have you against being baptized?" I would ask that of so many of the people in this world who want to do good and serve the Lord, but do not want to be tied down by organized religion and the perceptions it invokes. It is sad. They are missing out.

But enough about other people, today was about me and my own personal growth of testimony. I was stirred on multiple occasions today. In Sunday school, being taught to see that all of the accounts in the Book of Mormon have shadows of Lehi & Nephi's visions of the Tree of Life in them, and how that vision is a shadow and type of Christ. It was amazing finding the relation between my favorite Book of Mormon story, Samuel the Lamanite, and the correlation to the vision. There stood Samuel on the wall, he had tasted of the fruit of the tree and he wanted his brethren to partake also, so he proclaimed unto them the things the Lord asked of him, inviting them, in a way, to come and partake also. Yet they threw slings, arrows, spears, and stones at him. They were mocking him from the great and spacious building. It is awesome! I would not have made that connection if I had not been at church today.

The gospel is just so marvelously personal, as is the Lord's love for us. I am constantly amazed and in awe of how much he knows me and what things are put in place so that I may learn something new or be reminded of his care. It blows me away. So my faith is rekindled, stoked by the fiery poker of the Spirit. I am humbled by it and grateful for it.

It is my witness that He, Jesus Christ, Lives.

So Now What?

So Now What?

I am beginning to realize that jumping at the first offer is not always a good thing, that sometimes it is worthwhile to hold out a bit longer for something better. My initial job offer in Utah is a super small, very under financed, crazy cheap school busing company. Their buses are all very old and probably not street legal, the boss is tyrannical and has this weird sense of knowing what it takes to drive a bus, even though she holds no CDL herself. It is just weird. So, I while I work on getting the air brakes endorsement on my license - which apparently in Utah comes hand in hand with a class B - I will be seeking out other employment options. I am working on my paperwork for UTA - which will have horrible hours, but good pay and benefits, and I today I am going with Sarah to the University Shuttle to see if I can get hired on there. I need income.
My ward was super small on Sunday, only about 50 people, but I guessed that was normal because school at the University doesn't start until the 9th. The whole feel of it was pretty basic, I was new, people talked to me because of the novelty of being new - I am cynical and did not feel any real interest. Oh well, perhaps next week will be different when I am lost in a sea of people. It will be super odd to not have any responsibilities except to myself. I signed up for two institute courses: Book of Mormon and Scripture Study: The Power of the Word. I'm excited about them. If nothing else it will give me an opportunity to get out of the house. Oh yes, a girl at church told me they have an available room - well, a shared room for $250/month. To me, that seems a little expensive for a shared room... but I don't know what the rest of the living conditions are like. But cannot even think about that until I have a steady paycheck coming in. I still owe Joe & Sarah for living with them this month.
Sigh, the money troubles never seem to end, they follow me everywhere. I suppose it is my own fault though, I dug the hole.
Well, I need to eat breakfast and brush my teeth before heading off for the morning.

Moving to Utah

I decided a few weeks ago that I am moving to Utah after Christmas. I am going to live with Joe & Sarah until I am able to obtain a job and a roommate. I am excited and scared.

Belated Birthday Thoughts

So, as we all know (now), yesterday was my birthday. I turned twenty-six! I am not sure exactly how I feel about all of it, but I do know that I am greatly blessed. A lot of people love me and I truly felt that yesterday. It was a really nice day!

Those Big Questions

So, I have decided, that despite knowing the generic answers to these big questions, I want to know the answers for them for me, specifically.

I want to know the following:
*Where did I come from?
*Why am I here?
*Where am I going?

These may seem like they have basic "seminary" answers, but I want to dive into them, really ponder and pray about it and find my reason for being where I am right now, and figure out if I am in the right spot. I could be in the wrong place and not even know it.
So, that is my personal pursuit as of now. I am going to figure out ME. It will not be easy, and I will probably want to give up. But I believe, so earnestly, that if I answer these questions, I will be able to find some joy and happiness in my life that will help extinguish all the negativity that's been poisoning my system lately.
I start tonight with a prayer.

Lonesome

(Going Purple in honor of the sweater I wore today!)

Anyway, today was a fairly good day. It was raining and we had to take Michael's car to church today - I went over a bump in the road too fast and the weight in the back of the car caused the new suspension to break :( The Harrison Park Ward had a new bishop called, Bishop Aaron Harris! (I knew it would be him!) Sunday School was really good- Nate taught about the book of Hebrews. I learned a lot and so admire his knowledge of the scriptures. Relief Society was good - my teacher cancelled on me this morning via text message :( so I ended up winging the lesson; thankfully the sisters were very good with their comments today! The linger longer went well, good amount of people & food. The missionary fireside was tonight and it went well. Almost everyone had an opportunity to ask a question, give an answer, or share an experience. The Elders also gave a very good mini lesson on Spiritual v. Social Conversion and our roles in each.
However, as most things go- I started having a bunch of feelings and ended up kind of withdrawing emotionally from the whole scene. I hate that it reads on my face so easily that my mind is burdened with something. It is rather difficult to hide though, that feeling of wanting to burst into tears. It all comes down to this though: I am longing for a man of my own. Someone who understands my moods, knows when I need a hug and is there for me to hug whenever, someone who I can always count on to make me smile. I just was feeling really lonesome today and I could not shake it. I desperately wanted a hug, but not from a sister. They are always willing to dole out the compliments & hugs. Why can't a guy? Why won't a guy notice how great my hair looks or how sweet I am? I know it is not fair to expect these things, but I just really wished I could have gotten a hug tonight. I needed one, so bad! I still do. I honestly feel like I just need to collapse into someone's embrace and just cry. Nothing in particular is wrong, but I have these pent up emotions that need to be released. I hate bottling them up, but it is just want I have to do.
Sigh, so anyway - that's where things are right now. Me = lonely. Still. :(