I think I Zigged When I was Looking to Zag...

So, I was finally able to go to the doctors, and thank heavens for Dr. Anderson the ENT who actually made a decision and just said "well, we don't know why it happened so no need to run any more tests - let us know if it happens again." Done! So that was Wednesday afternoon (I almost cried when the Neurologist didn't make up her mind and sent me to see him.) So I asked both the ENT and Neuro's receptionists to send over their paperwork to WorkMed so it could be evaluated - they didn't do it until end of business day, so lame, so no eval Wednesday. No doctor at WorkMed would evaluate it on Thursday (which to me is silly that they don't always have a DOT doc there.) So finally on Friday at noon after not hearing from WorkMed, I went down and sat in their waiting room until they saw me. The verdict.....
I'm going back to work. I actually went back to work last Saturday. So no trip to Kansas for me to see my family. *BIG SIGH* this really upset me. I am just crazy that all my time was spent up and it wasn't even put to good use. So I was on report both Saturday and Monday, yesterday. Today I have a great 9+ hour straight on the 39. Hope I can survive it. We'll see. 
Also now because I am staying in Utah I need to find a new place to live. So on Saturday Joe said I could stay at his place so avoid paying rent on the current apartment. That has turned out to be great. I love their bed, SO soft! I have also had to start looking at apartments again and so far I have seen four and I actually like two. So now I just need to pick one of those two. I'm thinking the first one is the right one, but I'm waiting... I don't want to rush into things. 
Well, I gotta get gettin' on... Life as usual? 

Life in Limbo

So keeping busy has been a challenge for me; all this time off work and nothing to do but sit around watching Netflix. I am still in limbo and I'm beginning to hate the place. 

I saw the neurologist on Tuesday. She is a very nice doctor who is originally from Kansas City - which gave us something to talk about other than my messed up head. She, however wanted me to go and see a specialist, so I did. I went and saw a balance specialist to make ensure that all of my vestibular parts are in working order. Much to her surprise/chagrin,(also a very nice lady doctor), she could not recreate my symptoms and was therefore unsure of what I had and what had caused it. So she'll send a report back to the neurologist. Unfortunately that was last Wednesday and I have had to wait until this Wednesday (two days from now) to see the neurologist again - goodbye paid vacation time. 

So I've waited. I have thoroughly cleaned the apartment in which I'm still residing by the good graces of my landlord - who I do not think is really happy with me staying here solo because I do not want to pay the whole $800 rent, just the normal $400 split - although I get where he is coming from. 

I also went today and paid the June rent ($300) on the apartment that I was going to move into - signed the lease on - but am now unsure/unable to do so because of this sidebar. I have hopefully found a replacement for myself on the lease though - again, waiting until Wednesday to see if she's approved by the complex and then she'll pay me back for part of the June rent. I'm going to need it and my deposit from this place to make it wherever I have to go depending on the outcome of these next two doctors visits.  All in all today was a financially draining day, which also tends to drain me mentally. 

I am very very tired of being in this forced limbo that is costing me every second I stay in it. I just wish I could have gone back to see the neurologist sooner - that extra week of waiting cost me all of my vacation time because work has to pay it out when I'm on leave like this - a leave I don't want to even be on. It is very frustrating not knowing which way I'll be able to go but knowing all the different paths that I could be forced to wander down. *sigh* 

I guess I'm done for now - no point in repeating to myself the same situations that could or could not happen - I've already memorized them. I just want to know, you know? 

The Moment

You know that moment when you're so alone and you just are dying inside for someone to rescue you, to hold you and tell you it will all be okay? That moment is my universe right now.

I know  I'm probably being overly dramatic, but the possibilities of reality that I'm facing are scaring the daylights out of me and I am unable to cope. I broke down at the doctor's office. I broke down in the car when I called to tell my dad how scared I was. I broke down again when I got back to my house, realizing how empty it is and alone I am. I feel like all I need right now is just for someone to hold me and let me cry. I don't need answers or positive optimisms; nothing can be certain until Tuesday. I just need to let all the fear, stress, and anxiety seep out of my system until I'm empty. Then, and only then, will my soul have the capacity to let in hope and give it root. 

So I sit, alone in my head in this empty house. Too late to call anyone. No nearby arms to turn to. I'm scared, but also very sad at how alone I am. 

Threatening a Virtual Disconnect

So, I'm really at an odd place in my life right now. I find myself not feeling things that I'm thinking I should be feeling about certain things. Sorry for the vagueness, but my sense of personal propriety is rather "en gourde" at the moment. I recently have experienced a few new things in life, but my reactions to them have been far more jaded/confused/silent than I would have expected of myself originally. It is like I just don't find things a big deal, which is kind of scary considering what I'm talking about. 
I do feel very lost however. I feel like I'm just doing the norms each day and who I am is becoming lost in all of that. I'm not sure exactly who I am, but I do know that I am not where/what/who I want to be right now.
As I wrote to a friend earlier  "I've been contemplating a coup on my social life... just disconnecting completely from everything. I mean I'll carry my phone around for important phone calls from work and check my gmail for work e-mail, but nothing else - netflix, hulu, skype, facebook, chat rooms, Nothing... I don't know if it'd be possible, but I feel very lost."
So, that is where I am right now with things.... lost. I just wonder what is possible if I disconnect from all these digital things that consume so much of my attention. I know I would have a lot more time to read because I wouldn't be spending all my time watching shows. I've been missing reading lately. I worry about the repercussions of a total disconnect like this though - will I alienate friends that I usually only have contact with through social media and chat ? Will I miss out on activities and information from not checking my Facebook?  I'm not sure. I also worry that I am too weak willed to go through with it. I feel like I would have to give my laptop to someone for safe keeping just so I wouldn't be able to open it whenever I feel like it. 
So I don't know what to do just yet, but I know I'm being very discontent with the way I am reacting to things. I just feel like there is so much more out there that I am missing out on because of the things I am choosing to do instead. *Sigh* I hate feeling so lost. 

Working my way around it

So, it's obviously been a long time since my last post. I did warn that I'm not any good at this. The only reason I'm here today is I'm at work and they have nothing for me to do. So, while sitting around twiddling my thumbs I thought "I'll go write a blog post." Yeah, so here I am.
Nothing terribly exciting has happened recently. I turned 27. We spent Thanksgiving in AZ for a family reunion, which was really nice. The trade off for that was I had to spend Christmas and New Year's alone this year. It was interesting, but I had Maranda and her mom, so it wasn't all bad. I had a date this past Saturday night that resulted in many firsts for me. It was pleasant, but the guy is still held up on his ex, so I'm waiting patiently, not expecting anything. I have found that a lot recently, I distance myself emotionally - it makes it easier to deal with the disappointment that usually results from such encounters. Oh well.
So that's pretty much it. I'm still working at UTA. I did just get hired as an LPI (kind of like a jr. trainer) so I'll get paid more for that and it looks good on the resume. I've been working with the planning department a lot more lately, which is also nice and puts more good things on my shoulders. Other drivers take different looks on it though - I hate being called a brown noser - probably due to all the years growing up that my brothers would tease me about that - so when the drivers do it it really irks me. But thankfully I'm getting older and more mature to where I know they are just jealous of my drive and success. But nothing new elsewise I think... I have a trip planned to go home in May for Aaron's graduation. That'll be fun!
All in all, I'm kind of just coasting along. Progression has kind of stalled for me. Sad, but true. Dad wants me to go back to school. Yeah, I'd like that too. It's just so hard to think about. Sigh.

Where I Fit In

Whenever I find myself really happy at work, I remember that I fit in there. I am generally happy at work because I always strive to be pleasant and exceed at my job. I find that people usually think I am a nice person and are glad to accept my extra efforts to help. I like theese days when I find myself smiling and happy. They are far too few recently.

Just an Update...

Because I'm so wonderfully horrific at updating my blog.

I moved into a basement apartment with a girl from church named Valery Pozo. She's really sweet, smart, and loves to bake. I still work at UTA and I'm beginning to feel a bit burnt out on it. I am now a Visiting Teaching Coordinator for church and it has been a slow process getting everyone's VT assigned and accounted for. I still miss my family a lot and there are days when I just feel so very alone. I have made a friend in Utah. Her name is Maranda and I met her on ldschat. Ashley Gardner wants me to move back to KS and live with her, but I am just not feeling that there is anything in KS besides my family, and like I told her, my life has to be about something other than my family. I can't rely on them to make it happy. Lately I've been struggling really hard to have good days. The littlest things (traffic, bad drivers, work schedules, customers, parking tickets..ect) just set me off and I get really angry/moody and my whole day just goes black. I told this to mom last night when she called (which is super rare, mom never "just calls") and she was surprised at how sad I was in general. Kept telling me to ignore those things which upset me and be positive. Yeah, it's the same advice I give myself when I want to calm down. I'm currently attempting to save money for the trip to Arizona over Thanksgiving for the Favre Family Reunion that's going on then. I'm excited about it, but it seems as if obstacles are just popping up everywhere, like these parking tickets :( They siphoned away all the money I was going to put away from this paycheck. Oh well. I finally cleaned my room again and I do love having a clean room. It just makes me feel less like I'm living in a hole and therefore it's okay to be sad and depressed all the time. My car is almost clean. I've just been eating breakfast recently & need to throw those bags away. I'll have to do that today before church to give Valery a ride.  I don't really know what else to say. My life just hasn't changed all that much except that I'm becoming a more angry person. I kind of feel like I'm morphing into my dad- during his earlier years- and can be set off on the littlest things. It scares me and I don't like it. So I'm working on it. Well, That's pretty much it though. Dinner tonight at Joe & Sarah's as usual. I'm making cookies.