2am

So, It's 2am... and I'm not asleep. Seeing as I have no job that demands my presence early in the morning, I'm kind of just being a gigantic bum. Today, later after I sleep, I am dedicated to doing laundry. Since it is Wednesday and I have nothing going on in the evenings on Wednesday, I can spend the entire day at my house. Will I? Maybe. Not entirely sure, I do need to run those cruets by Sarah for the reception and I do want to get my hair trimmed. I really should go for a walk, or go swimming, or do something semi-productive. Although, laundry really does need to be done. I am out of EVERYTHING it seems. Well, I am going to bed now...

Oh yeah, life update. Unemployed at the moment. Got quit/fired from T-Mobile on August 2nd and just this past week Drew told me he couldn't afford to pay me anymore, so yeah, things are going great. Living off of my 401k, which is not going to last much longer. Really REALLY not looking forward to finding a job, my most promising prospects are the post office doing data entry and Student First as a bus driver for USD 259. So yeah... I am out of work, working on Sarah and Joe's wedding, and just trying to stay positive, which I'm finding really hard. I fear it is because I am not doing those things in my life which I should be.

I Love to See the Temple

I'll go inside TODAY!! I'll covenant with my Father, I'll promise to Obey! For the Temple is a holy place where we are sealed together. As a child of God, I know this truth, a Family is Forever!!

I am so excited/anxious to go to the temple today. It seems like forever ago that I got my recommend, over 6 weeks ago! and now the day is finally here!! I am so very grateful for Joe and Sarah for driving me down so I don't have to drive alone and can talk with them about it. I feel so inadequate sometimes in expressing how I truly feel about all this, which is just UBER UBER Excited with a huge dose of humility and awe.

Well, I'll let you know how it goes!

Wedding & Worries

I love my friends, honestly I do, but I hate planning events for them. I hate how they're apathetic about things right up until the very end and then "Hello Bridezilla!" I feel bad for feeling this way towards them, and for snapping at the people at the reception. I just felt so out of control and nothing really went the way it was supposed to. I just wish at the end of the day I had someone to come home to who would be that rock for me so that I could take a rest of it. I feel like I'm constantly supporting others so much that my own foundation is crumbling to rubble. And worse, I feel guilty when I have to turn to others because they're never ready for me to turn to them, plus they're never really want I need and I feel bad because I want them so badly to be, but they're not and I get frustrated by that.
When is it going to be my turn to be happy?

Missionary Minded

Is it horrible that I like Elder Riley? I know I' m just doing the same thing I do with every other guy, I over analyze. I think too much about every little that they is done/said and I obsess. Frick! But he is SO nice and cute and he sings well!! Dang! I just wish I knew. Cannot ask him because he is a missionary and because that would be super embarrassing. Is it so wrong to have that wishful thought that he'll come back once his mission is over? LOL - duh! I'm being silly about it, but I like being silly about guys, as long as it doesn't end up hurting my feelings in the end. Usually, I come to terms with how it really is and just kind of stop caring so much about them, like Jesse for instance. Had that discussion with him, told him how much I like him, but got turned down cold. That was awesome :( LOL! Oh well, still love to poke at him, but hopes secretly that he misses me liking him, which I don't think he does, but I can hope.

Things aren't horrible otherwise. I just need to find a way to stay emotionally balanced. Neither job is going super great right now. T-Mobile is just a dementor and sucks all the joy/happiness/warmth out of my life whenever it comes to getting feedback - I don't always feel that way about my customers; some, not all though. I really hope things pick up at Anmark. As crazy as Drew is and as unstable as the job is, I would still rather work there than at T-Mobile. I'm super excited to have these next 3 days off work! Hooray for friends getting married!! I'm hoping that Ashley doesn't become a brooding bridezilla when she finally realizes, oh right, I do care about what my reception is like. Sigh, only time will tell. I'll love her anyway, but the apathy up until the point of no return is a little wearing.

He cooked me eggs :) I wish I wasn't like this, but it's so fun to be.

Struggles

I've been struggling hard core lately. I just feel like breaking down and crying. I feel so broken and fragile, like anything could push me over. I see glimpses of myself sitting in the corner of a dark room crying and talking to myself, and then I gather myself and want to slap myself for being so emotional and irrational with those kinds of thoughts. I know I have a lot on my plate, but I put it there. I took both jobs and really enjoy the benefits of both jobs and cannot support myself financially w/o both jobs. But I miss the things that made my life normal: institute, movies, friends, sleep. I miss not being satisfied with my job. I miss being happy. Sure, I have moments of happiness, but the overall feeling is sadness and loneliness and depression. Even now I'm sitting here, trying so hard to cry and to not cry and the same time. I want to cry because I know I usually feel better after I emotionally void myself, but I don't want to cry because I hate crying, I feel so weak and stupid when I cry. I just feel really burnt out and stressed about everything. I want to be able to manage it all gracefully while keeping a level head and not flipping out emotionally, but it does not seem like that is going to happen.

August 27th, 2010

So.... I got my temple recommend. YAY!!
I want to go asap, but mom said I should go on August 27th because she already has the 3rd Saturday of each month off for their normal temple trip anyway, plus it will take time to get garments and order a temple dress/make one - whichever turns out to be easier.
I'm very excited! I feel like every time I think about it I'm getting a huge hug from the Spirit! It's amazing and makes me oh so happy with warm fuzzies!! I'm excited!

Patriarchal Reminders

So I had the urge this morning to read my Patriarchal Blessing, and by golly, I am so glad I did! I finally feel like my life is in accordance with what my blessing says. I'm so excited!! It just speaks great great peace to my heart to know that I am headed down the right path to be worthy of all the blessings promised, blessings that I desire greatly, but still righteously :P Here's to praying I keep on the straight and narrow!