My Rock Collection

I have had a rocky day... I thought it was going to be smooth after running late this morning, having to scrape my windows **i have an ice scraper**, mucking my way through a traffic accident **I have a car**, and barely finding parking at school **I found a spot**. Piece of cake from there right? I was on time to history, took good notes, felt fine about it. Went to Psychology, found out I'm doing alright, got a 4/5 on quiz 1 and a 5/5 quiz 2! Went to Institute on campus and we talked about the Plan of Salvation a little bit (Bishop was late!) **I have institute on campus** - very good insights on why the fall happened and how respected Eve should be. We ran over a tad because we wanted to keep discussing - but plenty of time to get over to my next class. Dropped my bag at my desk with 12 minutes to spare, grabbed my lunch sack and spilled the contents on the room floor- scooped them up and headed for the elevator **I have lunch**. Quickly made my oatmeal (DELICIOUS btw, I forgot how good it could be!) then went back to class. Ate while waiting for class to start. Watched a really good segment of "Boston Public" called Graduation Day which showed how it was all worthwhile being an educator. (That reminds me I need to e-mail in those notes!) Left class 15 minutes early instead of 10 because I knew I had parked further out **exercise!** and I knew we had switched pods today at work so I'd have to get my stuff. Walked briskly into work, bought a pop, signed up for OOH (which didn't happen) **more work = more pay** and found out where we were sitting. Headed to the new pod and dropped my stuff except my dinner bag which I took over to put in the north side refrigerator. Speed walked my way back to the south side to get my headset, pen, paper pad, and feature papers then back to the north side. **more exercise!** Clocked in a minute later **1 min is better than 2** and then rushed to the bathroom **indoor plumbing**. Came back and Jeanetta was an angel and popped my popcorn! Took one 13 minute phone call then went up to exec 1 for a team meeting where we saw our VOC scores and set goals on how to improve them and also set up our IDPs. **team time to work on goals and acknowledge standards and weaknesses** Went back and had a coaching - which actually was me just nesting with Jeanetta for 30 minutes **opportunity to listen to other's skills**. Back on the phones for 30 minutes then lunch **lowered my crt**. Ate at my desk my leftover vegetable lasagna and rolls while finishing off my pop. **food!!** Read Jacob 1-5 (most of 5) and wished I knew more about the significance of everything in the allegory of the olive tree.**I have scriptures whenever I want** Called mom because I thought she worked today (she didn't) and told her I had missed the Towne Hall Meeting today because it was earlier while I was at school, but that I did have a 3 hour long meeting tomorrow - kick off.**new info** Got a score today, just a 3 with a 4 in TR but a 2 in knowledge because I didn't verbalize my VA and did not recap **showed me my weakness**. Had several disappointed looks and words from Charles because I was taking flex pay calls and a couple I didn't know the answer to. **concern for my actions** Was told to go into coaching after my break was over. I wanted to shorten my break to lessen the effect on my CTS, but he said I had to take the full 20, so I sat in break for another 5 minutes **integrity** then sat at his desk. He was not happy at all. I was not happy at all. **growth opportunity** I struggle with consistently doing my VVA and recap. I don't do it willfully or maliciously or with malintent. I just don't do it sometimes. Why?! I don't know... and that is the problem, because if we cannot figure out the root of the issue, the issue will always be around!! After the coaching, which was not at all pleasant, a lot of sad awkward silence, mostly on my part while I pondered internally with much consternation as to why I am such a failure at this, I was set with Yvonne on Jos's team to listen to her VVA **grateful for good example** and then write back to Charles what I was going to do to change my actions. I believe I put my plan into action on every call that I took after that, for the last 1.5 hours of the day. I will do it again tomorrow and the next day until it becomes habitual. I hate feeling like such a failure. I apologized to Charles as I left for the day, but am still kicking myself. Get home and the dog has ripped up the trash again, so I spank her butt and clean it up. I lock myself in my room with her on the other side of the door and I hear her whining. (She hates being alone when I'm home.) I eventually leave because the laptop is running low on battery and I want to look up my tax return stuff. The tax return page is not working, keeps coming up blank. Check a couple other things, like how little my paycheck is going to be **I have a job!** and what bills I still owe (lots).**budget lesson** Wishing I had my tax return or my loan money in. Barely scraping by.**but still fine** Really poor attitude right now... Just really sad. Feel like lashing out and screaming, but then seeing the futility of it just want to ball up and cry. I need a hug, but there are no open arms. **Go back and take every negative and put in a "rock" of how it is a good thing**

Personal Hall of Fame

bishop steinagel read to us tonight in institute about a personal hall of fame. who qualifies to be admitted to that most prestige place in our lives. i instantly thought of my dad. he is a great man. he has taught me so much in life about how to live and what should really matter. my mom, she is a guiding light of positiveness even on her darker days. she stuck with me even when i would not acknowledge her. the prophet gordon b hinckley. i will forever hear his voice in my head as i read his words. the way he spoke and what he spoke stirred my soul like never before. many more, but those three for sure, but the timer on the institute snack is about to go off and i have to close my phone. it makes you think though. who do you look up to and why.

Grateful

I had the opportunity to attend the first temple trip of the year for our branch. It was amazing. I was thrilled to have work work out so perfectly. (Thanks Mom for taking my hours!) I woke up this morning knowing that today was going to be a good day, temple trip days always are. I went to school, completely forgetting that I had a quiz in history (luckily it was a bonus quiz and could not be harmful to my grade.) I think I did well on it. Afterwards was philosophy which is always an interesting thing to ponder on; the different ways people think and how they justify their actions. Right after class was out I went to go pick up Dad from work and take him home. We got some lunch at Subway first - delicious toasted tuscan chicken sandwich! While eating I learned that Pres. Beeson had asked Dad to come along on the Temple Trip to accompany him since Sis. Beeson was busy! I was super excited because this was the first time that I had ever gone to the Temple with my Dad! In fact, Today, I had more family in the temple at one time than I can remember, ever! Joseph, Michael, Dad, & I were all there! Just missing Mom, and Aaron and Jacob. I would really really love, and cannot wait for that day, when I can have my whole family there at the Temple with me.
After changing into my jumper I was sitting on a pew waiting and saw Dad in his Temple clothes. I got teary eyed and had to focus really hard not to break down. I love my Dad SO MUCH!! Seeing him like that made me realize how very soon we might be losing him and how hard that is going to be. I know he'll look exactly like he did today and I will know him. I do not cry because of the sadness, that is a part, but rather I cry because I know, without a doubt, that I will be able to see him again and that our family is forever. I am grateful and they are tears of gratitute to a loving Heavenly Father to give us the marvelous blessing of eternal families. Last time we went with the 7th ward and Joe baptized me I had the same feeling - not as strong, but still there. After we were all done and changed, walking out to the car I held my father's hand and just walked with him. I tried to tell him how I had felt, but felt choked up, ready to burst into tears again. I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR MY FAMILY!! (both earthly & heavenly)

Temple Trips

i love the fact that i just figured out how to blog from my cell phone only problem is no punctuation or capital letters oh this will look odd oh well, ah ha a comma, sweet...... okay today is our temple trip to oklahoma city and i am super excited that i was able to work work out so that i could go. i think there will be a snow storm coming back into town though late tonight when we do get back which will be irksome to deal with, but whatever, it is all for the greater good and quite honestly i would gladly face any waether to be able to visit the temple. i am so excited for the one that is going to be built in or near kansas city. i have heard rumor that our area will be assigned to it. today will be a most amazing day, but at the moment it is time for philosophy. sad face.

Fire Insurance.... or lack there of

I am not a full tithes payer. I'll put it right out there because I know that I don't and there is no since in sinning more by lying and saying that I do.
I get really stressed out about money. There never seems to be enough. I wish that I had been smarter and not buried myself into this pile of debt that now waits to crush me. I wish there had not been unexpected expenses or costly car maintenance that was not urgent but necessary all the same (new tires, suspension, ect.)
The problem is, deep down I know that if I just pay my tithing, everything else will work out fine. I just do not have a strong enough faith to act that way. I'm so worried about paying everyone else, that I try to justify my actions, in vain unfortunately. Every time I see someone else hand over a tithing envelope or see the envelopes on the wall I know that I should be doing the same or filling one out... I wish I wasn't such a coward. I want to be strong. I know it is right.
I'm going to do it. I know it is right and I know that if I pay my tithing everything else will work out someway. I'll go back to eating PB&J more often, but my tithing will be paid. I might get a late payment fee from my card company, but my tithing will be paid. I may have to ask to pay some things later to others, but my tithing will be paid.
I hope I feel this sure on Friday when I get paid. I pray that I will.

**sigh**

I have an extremely rebellious will. I'm like a little child who doesn't do what she's told just because she was told to do it and would gladly do the opposite just to be obstinate. I don't get it. I still feel really lost.

Three a.m. - New Year's Resolution

I have a loss of emotions right now. Well, not exactly, but it felt almost right to type. I feel lots of things, but nothing specific except maybe confusion. I just can't figure it out. I need to figure it out. I DO believe so many things and want to believe so many others - to have a firm testimony of them. I am scared though. Scared I might not be strong enough to get there, not strong enough to stay the course, not brave enough to forsake things.
I haven't prayed in a while. A long while. I don't remember why I stopped, but every night before I go to sleep I think - even if only briefly - I should pray, but then I don't. It's not like it is a hardship to get down on my knees and pray. I don't usually do it on my knees. Usually cross-legged on my bed. Plus, I gave in. I was not strong enough. I was so weak. I know He loves me and would forgive me, but I feel so bad asking for forgiveness for something that I cannot promise with 100% surety that I will never do again. Isn't that the purpose of repentance, to forsake the sin? Isn't it written that those who sin knowingly, saying it is all right because we can repent, are damned or something of that nature? I think it does. I tremble on the inside hearing that verse because I know I've thought that before.
I will NEVER believe that my Heavenly Father doesn't love me and that it is too late for me. Those feelings that I am unworthy of His love and that I am a failure are not coming from Him. It's like a warm fuzzy blanket around my heart, His love. It squeezes me until tears gather at the corner of my eyes, threatening to fall until at last they run.
I WILL ALWAYS BELIEVE THAT MY HEAVENLY FATHER LOVES ME. I WILL NEVER EVER DOUBT THAT. I WILL SAY MY PRAYERS VOCALLY & IN MY HEART ALWAYS. I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON MYSELF. I will not give up on myself because I know that there is a way prepared for me. I just need to find the path again through this mist, grasp the guiding rod, and never, ever let go again.