The Difference....

I want to know instead of just believe.
I want to feel in my heart that I know in my mind.
I want to be the example instead of looking for one.
I want to dig into the scriptures instead of just scan them.
I want to pray in faith and be able to be still enough to hear my answers.
I want to openly weep with the joy I feel in this Gospel.
I want to share the Gospel's message of peace and forever families with my friends.
I want to have the courage to do so and I pray that they accept it.
I want to be different.
I desire to experience that mighty change.

A Mighty Change of Heart

The Lord promised, "A new heart... will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you." That spiritual surgery, like in the body, may cause you pain and require a change in habits and conduct. But in both cases, recovery brings renewed life and peace of mind.

I found that online while searching for "heart" statements in both the scriptures and talks given. I want to prepare little pill bottles full of these sayings and give them to the sisters to use as "medicine" for their changed hearts, that when taken regularly, their new hearts will not be rejected and will not turn stony again. I am so very excited about this lesson. I absolutely love the conference talks that I have found about the new hear the Lord promised us. I know that if mine has not yet been fully transplanted it is on it's way, despite my old heart not giving way fully yet. It was said somewhere that the old heart must break first in order to make room for the new one. I believe this fully - a broken heart and a contrite spirit is what is required of us and the Lord will provide the new one for us. I am loving this topic!!

I also really, really want to give the lesson about President Monson's talk about the "warm fuzzies" and give each sister a little jam jar and bag of colorful cotton balls so that they can fill their own jar of warm fuzzies whenever they complete an action of goodwill towards others - as a sweet visual reminder. I was so touched by all the stories told by President Monson that he and his wife read in the numerous letters sent to him. I want to inspire the sisters to live their lives likewise, and for mine to be an example unto them. I am so excited to share this with the sisters!!

A Blessing....

I have been most uncertain lately, about a lot of things: work, school, relationships, church, health, ect. I have not been applying myself with due diligence to those things which should be most important in my life. I have been allowing those non-essentials to crowd my time. Alex, and all that came with him, was a huge non-essential. As "nice" as it was to have someone who cared about me, it was only crushing my soul. He was a scapegoat; because I "loved" him, I allowed myself to go back to doing things that I knew were not right. I was not strong. I was very weak and I hope to be better. I blame myself for not holding out for a more righteous companion. I was so desperate for someone to love me that I did not care, at that time, that he was not good for me. I say "at that time" because I knew then, but more fully now, that he was not right for me and no matter how much we both said we would be good, we knew we would not. It was "fun" to be bad. I remember crying to myself after some of our interactions, because I knew what had gone on was wrong. I knew it was a shameful act and I was ashamed - not enough to not do it again though. I feel awful now thinking back on it. I want to just rewind my life about six years and start all over again. Making the right choices.
But we cannot rewind the tape or turn back the clock. There is only the future to look forward to and today, that future is bright! Today I was blessed with the assurance that those blessings that I desire with all of my heart, as promised in my Patriarchal Blessing (pb), have not been lost, that as long as I live righteously, they are still obtainable. I was unsure of these things. I was afraid that I had done so much wrong that there was no way I would be able to obtain those blessings anymore. I was so scared. I am SO grateful for the men in my life; my brothers and my father. Their faithfulness in their calling to hold the Priesthood is a marvelous example to me. I love them for their diligence in the matter and am ever blessed because of it. I was surrounded by the stomaches and love of my oldest and younger brother and my father. My heart grieved for the missing two brothers. I pray that in time they'll come to realize the greatness of the Gospel and the peace and harmony that can come through it. Jacob proclaims to know the truth of it, yet refuses to live by it's precepts. Aaron just blatantly rejects it, seeing it as restrictive and something that is being forced upon him. I hope he'll come back to it of his own volition, so that his testimony may be made strong. I love my family so, I want them ALL to be with me in eternity.

Love thyself....

I feel the need to have someone else appreciate me. I feel bad in this somewhat because it's kind of like screaming "look at me! look at me!" But I don't want everyone to look at me... I just want someone to look at me. Right now, that someone is no one in particular because there is none available, but oh well...
I like who I am as a person. Kind of. I don't want to just go focusing on the negatives here because I don't want to seem down on myself, but I also don't want to go focusing just on the positives. I know I am a daughter of God. I know that I am worth so much to Him and that He loves me so much. I just get down on myself because I feel very alone. I know I should not need a man to justify my life and my worth, BUT it is very nice to be appreciated by someone who loves you.
I hate church dances because of this very reason. They always make me feel alone as I sit back by myself. I watch all the other girls get asked to dance and sit there watching them all dance. I probably put off some vibe that I don't want to be asked to dance, but Honestly, what girl doesn't want to be asked to dance? SIGH..... I shouldn't go on about this. Stopping.
Tomorrow is Sunday and oh what a glorious busy day. Branch Council/Welfare meeting, then church, then home teaching, choir, and Branch Devotional! Yay! Busy busy day! I just hope that I'm in a good mood a spirit for tomorrow. Pray for me.

Let them worship how, where, or what they may....

So, I don't like forcing my beliefs down anyone's throat. I'd appreciate it if others reciprocated in kind. I know that man has the freedom to choose whom they will worship and I'll let them do it how and where they want, but why do people not believe me?
My friend is an agnostic, at least that is what he calls himself. I'm not entirely sure what he believes in, if anything, but I respect his choice. What saddens me about it, and this is where things go horribly wrong if we have conversations about religion, is that he was LDS, he knows/knew the truth and yet he fell away. I personally don't get it. Knowing what I know, I could never believe anything else. No other religion would have all the answers and the option to just not believe- IMPOSSIBLE!! I do not understand how people can believe that there is no God. They must live in very sad and lonely little worlds.
The whole world speaks to the existence of some "higher power." This wonderful world could not have come about alone through evolution (although I will not deny that things evolve, just not man from monkeys!)
I worry for those who knew/know the truth and yet reject it still. I worry for them because I know what a detriment it is to their progression to have put up that barrier. I fear for them, but am scared to approach it head on, which I feel is the only way to do it. There is no gray area!!
WHAT DO I DO?!

If not, I have failed indeed....

I was listening to President Monson's talk today about good works. It impressed upon me greatly the importance of charity and love towards our fellowman. When he spoke about all the letters, books, cards, and records of the good works people had done in fulfillment of his wish made me tear up and want to cry. I was filled with the "warm fuzzies" even though I was just listening to the recounting of these marvelous works.
I love the opportunity to serve. Tonight I was the last minute sitter to the children of a man from work who needed to attend a conference about his medical condition and some updates about a hope for a cure. It was awesome watching these little souls. They were precious! They thought I was a parent just because I knew so many shows :) I just told them I was just a really big kid!
I cannot wait until we are able to do the service project November 7th with the Salvation Army and I really hope we can pull something together for Institute!! Speaking of... I am SO excited about our super-secret activity at the end of the semester! The service project in Omaha, NE was amazing! We had so much fun laying down the wood chips in the path for their corn maze!
I am seriously considering having a "good works" moment for a week instead of a missionary moment one Sunday in Relief Society. I would warn the sisters the week before, but I just think it would be superb to get to share some of the good works the sisters had done throughout the week or even month! I want to do it after sharing President Monson's talk. It was just SO touching! I want to be more in the service of my God by serving my fellow being.

My Mother's Faith

I had a give-away copy of a Book of Mormon on my book shelf. I don't know where it came from or how it wound up in my collection. I couldn't find my quad, and still can't, so I started reading from it, because I wanted to read nightly before sleep. Two nights ago, I found on the inside page a note from my mom. This book was intended to be given away, she had wrote her testimony of the BoM in it. It never found its way into that person's hands. I've been contemplating asking my mom about it and seeing, if we can find the person, if she'd be willing to send it now. Anyway, last night, I was just randomly opening up to a passage when color caught my eye. The book had been marked up. Not like randomly drawn on by some child with an overzealous imagination, but passages had been marked in the book. Scripture masteries, passages about how this book testifies of Christ and how precious the Gospel is. I am amazed! I'm sure my own scriptures may have some of these passages marked due to its tenure in my collection, but this book was prepared to be given to a non-member, to cue them into some of the important parts of this marvelous work! I am so excited to go through the book now and find each and every one of the scriptures that my mother marked. Obviously they mean something to her and I hope I can find that meaning. My mother's faith and strength amaze me.