Lonesome

(Going Purple in honor of the sweater I wore today!)

Anyway, today was a fairly good day. It was raining and we had to take Michael's car to church today - I went over a bump in the road too fast and the weight in the back of the car caused the new suspension to break :( The Harrison Park Ward had a new bishop called, Bishop Aaron Harris! (I knew it would be him!) Sunday School was really good- Nate taught about the book of Hebrews. I learned a lot and so admire his knowledge of the scriptures. Relief Society was good - my teacher cancelled on me this morning via text message :( so I ended up winging the lesson; thankfully the sisters were very good with their comments today! The linger longer went well, good amount of people & food. The missionary fireside was tonight and it went well. Almost everyone had an opportunity to ask a question, give an answer, or share an experience. The Elders also gave a very good mini lesson on Spiritual v. Social Conversion and our roles in each.
However, as most things go- I started having a bunch of feelings and ended up kind of withdrawing emotionally from the whole scene. I hate that it reads on my face so easily that my mind is burdened with something. It is rather difficult to hide though, that feeling of wanting to burst into tears. It all comes down to this though: I am longing for a man of my own. Someone who understands my moods, knows when I need a hug and is there for me to hug whenever, someone who I can always count on to make me smile. I just was feeling really lonesome today and I could not shake it. I desperately wanted a hug, but not from a sister. They are always willing to dole out the compliments & hugs. Why can't a guy? Why won't a guy notice how great my hair looks or how sweet I am? I know it is not fair to expect these things, but I just really wished I could have gotten a hug tonight. I needed one, so bad! I still do. I honestly feel like I just need to collapse into someone's embrace and just cry. Nothing in particular is wrong, but I have these pent up emotions that need to be released. I hate bottling them up, but it is just want I have to do.
Sigh, so anyway - that's where things are right now. Me = lonely. Still. :(

Catch-up

Time to play a little bit of catch-up.
Let's see, I worked a lot this summer, especially right before school started up again, but now I'm trying to figure out how to get 40 hours a week. I love being a trainer, but hate that no one respects the position. Church is going well - ish. I'm still the Relief Society president and my counselors are FINALLY both back in town and able to get down to business again. We've instituted the Grub Club - whose first meeting is this week (Ice cream @ Marble Slab Creamery.) Hope it goes well. I'm no longer "officially" on the Institute council. Scott moved back home to Washington to work for Boeing (sad, but good for him.) Joe & Sarah have moved to Utah so Joe can attend the University of Utah for law school, and Sarah's pregnant! (Baby is due sometime in March!) Aaron is back up at K-State for school and working as a ticket-taker/usher at the stadium. Michael still works @ Wally World and Jacob works at Applebee's up in Park City.
I officially decided that I'm going to move to Utah. I'm saving $25 from each paycheck and putting it away for my moving funds. I can live with Joe & Sarah temporarily until I find a roommate & job, which hopefully won't take too long. I really think this is the right thing to do.
I guess nothing else is new much. Still just trying to keep my head above water by will alone.

F.I.N.E.

How is it possible that I feel this disappointed in myself and my life? I have only that small shred of self confidence that fights so desperately to find the brightness in things, yelling at me "It will be okay. You are a daughter of God. You are loved. You have a lot going for you. Don't give up." It has to fight so hard because it knows that if it didn't then I would just give into the darkness. I would let myself fall and not care where I land whether it be on a street corner or six feet under. I just look at myself and the only way I can is by focusing on the one or two things I like about myself (my eyes and my hair or teeth usually). If I were to take my whole self in I get saddened and disgusted. I caught myself in the mirror at Stephanie's today and thought "Oh my god, is that what it looks like when I sit that way, crap!" I hate the way I look. I cannot stand how fat I am.
And yet I'm scared. And I doubt my willpower and ability. It is so easy to say " Well, I can make the changes necessary, I can exercise daily by going on little jog/walks" but then my self doubt creeps in "No you can't. You know that you'll do it for a week or two max and then you'll find some convenient excuse to skip it one day, and then another, and then pretty soon you're right back where you started. Because you're useless and have no staying power." Yeah, I am my own worst enemy, but then again, they say that this is common in the world, but it doesn't make my personal challenges any less real or important, or hard!
I just want things to be different. I have a friend who always says she feels like a failure as a wife because she's having troubles conceiving. She is a great wife to her luckiest-man-on-earth husband. I know how she feels though, now. I feel like I'm a failure as a woman because no man is attracted to me and no man wants to be with me. I feel like a failure as a person because I have no set education goals and am not really looking to set any. I am unfortunately set in this rut where I just want to survive until something comes along to take care of me- to where I don't have to worry about it anymore. I think I might be waiting for a bus to hit me or something. I honestly would be scared if I counted how many times I thought about myself dying.
I guess for now though, I'm just going to have to be okay with being F.I.N.E.

Dr. Jekyll Anyone?

So, apparently I am a mean person who tells people to leave from activities and makes them feel unwelcome - who then deserves to be talked about behind my back in front of others who did not know anything about what really happened and were just listening to the gossip of others and relying on it as truth. Way to go me.
Yeah, so I was not mean. I was stern if nothing else. I am not about to let some random guys who are immature get Scott & Dave in trouble at their apartment complex just because they want to have a little fun. I simply told them to respect the rules or disrespect them somewhere else.
This age gap is annoying.

Ozark YSA Conference!!

So this weekend was the Ozark YSA Conference and it was SO much fun!!!
Friday:
Got to the building at 9am and more than half the people were already there! (Huge shock, because no one is ever on time!) We're on the road by 10! We are officially the very fun van and talk and laugh and joke all the way there! We had lunch at McDonald's/ gas station around 11:50. We strolled into Springdale around 3:40 and since we were there SO early, we had dinner at Cracker Barrel - yum! We got back to the Stake Center around 5:30 and got registered and signed in. We then were taught some fancy schmancy swing dance steps, which I was horrible at, but the whole idea was fun! The dance then was underway! Two words to describe the whole thing: Hot and FUN!! I have never danced so much at a dance - ever! I danced with abandon and just had the best time doing it!! There were these giant fans that our branch camped out in front of, which was super smart because it was a sweat-box!! After the dance we were assigned our host homes and thank heavens for Brett's GPS or we never would have made it there!! Allison Johnson, Erin Soutar, Steph Held, & I stayed with the Wall family and they are awesome!! I went to bed SO exhausted that night!!
Saturday: Woke up in the morning feelin' like P'Diddy- --- Oh wait... LOL!! Woke up still super tired, but ready to go! Got dressed and ate some tasty instant oatmeal cereal and discovered our host home had CHICKENS in the back yard!! We then picked up Jackie and Lisa from their host home, also in Rogers, AR and went to the University of Arkansas for the day's activities! We started out with work shops. I attended "Leadership in the Church" which was all about being a better leader by becoming a better person! "Surviving Family Life" which was so solid on how to avoid conflict and - duh- survive family life! and "Becoming and Finding an Eternal Companion" which was put on by the Osmand's (Donny Osmand's son Don & his wife Jessie - super cute couple only married 10 months!) which was great about the love languages! Then we had lunch, which was tasty sammiches! During lunch the Osmands put on a 70's Dating Game, which was fun, but it was WAY too hot to stay and watch it all. The activities then moved over to the HPER building on campus (which was like this five minute complete downhill walk - totally crazy!! There we played "Never Have I Ever" then "Minute to Win It" and then we went and played Volleyball! It was also very fun! We did that until about 4:30, then we went and took pictures of UofA's awesome greek ampitheatre!! Steinagel then took us back up to the Stake Center where we had a decent bbq dinner, a service project slide show, and a devotional by the Osmands. After that was all over we had Another dance!! I was so wiped out from the one before that I did not dance nearly as much, but I still did dance!! Scott is a fabulous swing dance partner and slow dancer too, as is Nate. After the dance, our awesome host home YSA Calissa introduced Stephanie and I to the BEST frozen custard around - Andy's! OMGoodness!! It was so smooth and delicious! I would go to AR again, just for that!! We then crashed asleep hard!
Sunday:
Woke up super early (6am) because we had to be at the building at 8 for the choir rehearsal - I was not a part of it because they already had tons of people, but Jackie and Lisa were. We had a testimony meeting, which was really nice and then a devotional by some of my favorite people, whom I was so glad to see there, I just lit up and was so excited when I saw them, THE SOUTHWARDS!! That is right, the Temple President and Matron! I love them!! It was really really good! After they were done we closed out the meeting and the conference provided sack lunches for us to take on the road home with us (BRILLIANTLY simple and satisfying!) We got on the road about 12:30 and had a goal of being home before 6 so that our stalwart priesthood holders could attend their priesthood meeting- and we made it!! We were right there at six, but they got there!! Hooray for awesome guys!! I was able to drive some of the way back because Nate was so tired! He just passed out in the passenger seat and all the girls took pictures of him sleeping :) So cute! We dropped them off, took the girls up to the 13th street building to get their stuff out of the other van and go home. We then went and cleaned out the Hills' van and drove it back down to the Stake Center to deliver to Nate.
I finally got home around 9, craving a shower and food. I was able to eat some delicious hamburgers! Yum! But alas, I need to do laundry before I can get a shower :( So that is in the works at the moment. I really need to get to bed soon because I have work in the morning! I hope that my candidate has not regressed over this weekend!
Anyway, hooray for awesome times and just being happy and having fun!!!

Odd Man Out.....

Being the only girl amongst my siblings, I often find myself either grouped in with the boys, treated as some other species, or forgotten about. I'm not sure I really prefer any of their methods of "categorizing" me. I am not some object that needs to be put in a place and identified. I am Taylor. I started a sentence and just erased it because it was so cliche it scared even me. But, there is some truth to it, so why not. I am a sister, a daughter, a friend, a school bus driver, a Relief Society sister & President, a member of the Institute Council (for now anyway), a "Mormon"... I can't really think of anything else right now, but I am sure there is more... I sure hope there is. I want to be so much more; a wife, a mother, an aunt, a grandmother, a missionary's mother, a missionary... and so many other things.
But right now, it just seems I am the odd man out - probably because I am not a man. I don't want to "hang with the boys" and talk about, let alone listen to them talk about, all their suggestively dirty jokes and rumors. I just want to do the work that I am assigned to do, have a good time doing it, and actually learn stuff. I hope tomorrow is going to be better on that front. I can handle Charles and Chris alone because those two together are not the buddy-chummy-let's talk like guys- types. But put Jason and Charles together and I'm all alone because then it's a boys club.
Well, I better get to bed or my goal of six and a half hours sleep is going to fade rapidly down to less than six!
Goodnight self. Dream well. Live better!

Retraction & Smoke

So, I totally need to apologize for all the things I said about Kristin's planning of Scott's birthday. She is a good person and I was just being jealous. It was a blast and done for all the right reasons! This past week has been such a blast! Monday was FHE, and it was annoying, but I'm not going to dwell on it. Tuesday was Institute and after a great lesson I was able to unload my cares on Pres. Beeson - marvelous man - who gave me a blessing and I've felt so much better since. After institute a small party of us went over to Dayna's to watch a movie (The Italian Job) and decorate a door banner for Scott. Mayra, Dayna, Anna, Nate, and Myself then went and put balloons all over his floor and taped the banner over his door! It was awesome! Wednesday we met at Old Chicago for some good dinner and then went to Northrock for some Bowling! After that we went over to Dayna's again and watched Tangled! Thursday afternoon I went with some peoples to a Derby Twins' baseball game, which was cancelled due to the weather (tornado weather)! So our group went to Buffalo Wild Wings where we enjoyed some delicious food stuffs and drinks and then we all went over to the house of the Hills Family :) They are an amazing family and what I want my future family to be like. So awesome! Friday, Jacob and I went mini golfing at riverfest with Scott, Josh, and Kenny - which was super fun! I got a hole in one!!! and I tied Scott for the win!! That night we met up at Village Inn for dessert! yummy pie! Saturday morning the brothers and I went disc golfing at a new little park up in Valley Center - cute 9 hold course. At the end we played three rounds of disc golf putting horse! So much fun - I even have video! That night I was supposed to go to the final concert of Riverfest, but decided I'd spent enough time with those guys and not enough with my family (6/7 days that week I'd seen Scott!). So Jacob and Aaron and I went swimming at Joe & Sarah's apartment - very fun, but cold! Yep, so that was my week. Super busy because I was usually up way too late and waking up really early due to work.
Today we had a little adventure at church - during Sunday school there came a smell of smoke and so Bishop Guthomson decided to evacuate the building and call the fire department. I'm sure we'll find out what it was that happened sooner or later! Met a new sister at church today - Jamie Peregine - very excited! She's an ObGyn @ Wesley for the next 4 years of her residency! Very exciting!! So now just an afternoon of laundry, room organization, and family dinner!