Heartburn

I worry about things. A lot. I have anxiety about making sure things get done. Not only done, but done right. I put little trust in people to do what I ask them because I am afraid it will not get done and I'll be without what I entrusted to them. I am scared that I am not enough. That what I have to give is not good enough. I let doubt rule my heart sometimes, a lot of times. Despair, is like dandelions, they need nothing to provoke them to spring up, likewise doubt will very natural to the natural man. I know that is not the exact quote, but it is close enough to suit my purposes. Hope. Hope. I wish I did not have to hope so much for things, that I just knew they would happen.
I feel distracted by so many things. I want so much to be free to dedicate my time to worthwhile causes, but I am being false to myself if I say that I would. Even now with my spare time I find myself "caught up in the thick of thin things." Facebook- while it is a handy tool to keep track of what is going on with people, I get so caught up in it. Spend way too much time on it. Watching shows on Hulu. The reason I do not have and do not want cable is because I know that I would just end up vegging in front of it. Much like I do with my laptop. Sigh. Change is hard.
Today I had tithing settlement with the Branch President. It was so hard. But I know that I have a testimony of it. I KNOW that everything will be fine if I just pay my tithing faithfully with real intent. I just wish I had kept that faith going earlier this year. More regrets, more stains to try and scrub away. Thank heavens we have the ultimate bleach in the atonement. Whiter than the driven snow! I want to live my life right. I want to be pure and clean and not worry about the little things. I want to take an eternal perspective to those things that bring me down.
I have a goal. Even if the stake president will not grant me my endowments next year, even if I'm worthy, if he wants me to wait until I'm older or going to be married, that is fine. I will still be ready for them. I want my life to be as clean as Earth right after rain, I want to do the best I can, to live with God again. I know I can. I feel the warm fuzzies in my heart telling me so (and it's not just heartburn from the meatloaf!)
Well, off to bed I go soon. Almost Thanksgiving break. Just one day of classes then just work Monday, Wednesday, and Friday - but time and a half then! Yay! I'm going to love that paycheck! Oh well. It will certainly help with some things. Plus... I'll pay my tithing!

Today Is My Birthday

Today is my birthday. I am 24 years old. Wiser, maybe. Older, when defined in years, yes. Oh well :)
I have no regrets on birthdays as I said before. They're just a day. Joseph said he would get me a toaster! (I've been craving toast lately, so BEST GIFT EVER if he remembers!
I do not have a new year's resolution to start on the start of a new calendar year, but a new birthday year. By this time next year I want to be worthy to start the process to receive my endowments. President Armstrong said he usually prefers people be 25 or have reached certain stepping stones in their lives.
How? Lots of hard work and dedication. I need to constantly remind myself what my goal is and I will obtain it. I want this.
*Daily scripture reading - no matter how short a time, even if it is just a verse, began and ended with a prayer.
*Daily prayers - sincere prayer morning and night.
*Obedience to the Word of Wisdom - this means exercise! I think my poison of choice will be walking the dog. Also, no "soft drinks" unless I'm out at dinner with someone (not family!)
*Chastity - I will refrain from listening to songs with vulgar lyrics or shows that contain subject matter that turn my brain back to those images and memories that I have yet to sponge away. I remain chaste and resist any and all temptations to stray from the law of chastity.
*Tithing - I WILL pay an honest tithe each and every paycheck. I have a testimony of it, I was just being stupid when I thought I would not meet end's meet without that money to spend. Peanut butter & Jelly are good enough!

I'm sure there is more I need, but I will revise later if need be. I need a way to stay the course. I believe if I continue to pray and ask each day for the strength to continue on this path I will do it! I will form good habits from these exercises and in a year's time they will be commonplace (as I wish they were years ago.)

Anyway - Happy Birthday to Me!!!

A Little Lost and Found

Today I was Lost and Found.
I lost my brain this evening as I struggle to put together this analysis paper for school. I never thought it would be SO HARD to analyze what it means to be a woman of the Church. How do you describe and analyze the process by which a girl matures into a woman through the teachings of the Church? I would love to know because I am finding it a very hard thing to do. My paper is due on Friday and I'm just now scrapping together a full-length rough draft. I am grateful to Brian for all his excellent ideas, I would have none of my own. I claim to be a woman. I am a woman. But what made me so? Was it just my age? When did I stop being a girl and become a woman? This topic has so fried my brain that I feel like just dropping it and starting all over again with a brand new, easier, prompt. I don't know what to do :(
I found out a lot of things today. Some things that made me extremely concerned and saddened. Some things that made me want to cry. Some things I found in my heart that I had only had in my head before. I found a desire to have a testimony of my own of the Prophet Joseph Smith. I have never doubted that he was a prophet, but at the same time I did not know with a surety that he was. I found myself at the verge of tears as I urged the sisters to come to know of his divine calling as the Prophet who ushered in this dispensation. I found the words unbidden coming from my heart as I was filled with the Spirit.
I found out tonight that I would not be able to attend the Temple on Saturday as the baptistry would be filled by both the wards assigned. It is a joyous reason to not be let in, to be full of willing and eager young people who are ready to do the work of the Lord, but it is also of great sadness to myself that I am not able to attend. I was REALLY looking forward to going to the Temple again before the year was out. My heart longs to be able to participate fully in the work of the Temple. I know that I am not yet fully prepared to do such, but I am striving within myself to become the woman I need to be in order to partake of those blessings. I am determined to achieve that goal by this time next year.
I found myself touched by the Spirit of the Lord. Knowing that He loves me SO MUCH! That I am his daughter and that He cares for me above all else, despite all that I have done to offend. I find the tears running down my cheeks as I feel the warm and fuzzy blanket of his love encircle me. They are not tears of sadness, but tears of deep gratitude and sorrow for not being the kind of woman I know I ought to be. I reget so much the things I did in the not so distant past that put me further away from the goals I had set for myself.
I found the memory of when I was called to service in Relief Society. How much I treasured the Lord's trust in me. How much I felt forgiven for my previous acts. How much love I have for the sisters in my ward and the people in my life. I was SO GLAD! Yet I broke His trust. I strayed. Worse yet, I put on a face of purity before those whom I had been given the sacred trust of looking after. I lied to myself, and to them, telling myself that I was truly sorrowful for the things which I had done. Yet I soon forgot any real sorrow as I succombed to them again. I had lost my way.
I found myself believing in His everlasting grace. Knowing that it was sufficient for me and that it was mine for the partaking if only I would. I know He lives. I know He loves me. I know Joseph Smith was a Prophet. He was divinely foreordained to usher in this dispensation of the fullness of times and bring to pass the translation of the Book of Mormon. He was a good man. I know that.

Inspection of Self

I have noticed lately that I am a severely mentally judgemental person. I constantly make derogatory or snide remarks in my head regarding the people around me. All of these remarks are extremely prideful because I am going off the assumption that I am better than those whom I am judging. I should not be judging at all those around me. Who is to say that I too do not display those traits that I am so wrongfully judging them on? I do not care for my attitude. I have often longed to be able to see others the way that Heavenly Father sees us. I struggle with this often and fail to see them as beloved spirit children of our loving Father. I know that each person, no matter what they look like, act like, or dress like was born into this world having the same Light of Christ that I was given. Heavenly Father is. No respector of persons and does not withhold his love from us ever. He has always loved me in my many timed of weakness and oh how multiple those times have been where I felt not deserving of such affection. Yet, He is always there. To help ease the pain and stem the tide of tears. Never has He turned me away despite the many times that I have turned away from Him. His love is infinite and pure. I long to be like Him in that aspect and be able to love others as he does. Not even strangers only, but also my own family suffers from my judgemental nature. I pray that I might correct my thoughts and be able to grow to see all around me as my beloved spirit brothers and sisters.

First Sunday of November :)

Tonight President Uchtdorf spoke to us in a CES Fireside broadcast. For him, and his words, I am so very grateful. For some strange reason, whenever it is mentioned that some may not marry in this lifetime, my ears perk up. I think it is because I am utterly afraid that will be my reality. I am one of the ones he described as wanting a family, to me a wife and mother, more than anything. I hope it will come in this life. I got this feeling too that this is not the place I am to meet him if it is to happen. I don't know where I should go and I don't know when, but I do believe if I am to marry in this life I will not meet him here in Kansas.
I am grateful for the blessings and guidance that comes from Fasting. I will continue on in my endeavor to seek out which educational path is going to be the best for me, but today I felt prompted to seek more into the educational career. I have such a love for children and helping them learn things is so exciting! I need to be more prayerful in this choice though. While I feel it is the right way to go, I need more guidance.
I am grateful for the Lord and his glorious gospel. I believe it is true and I know that someday I will have a full testimony of it. Of some principles I have had a personal witness, others, I still need work on. But it is a work I am anxious to be engaged in. I am so thrilled to be a member of this Church. It has saved my life.

The Difference....

I want to know instead of just believe.
I want to feel in my heart that I know in my mind.
I want to be the example instead of looking for one.
I want to dig into the scriptures instead of just scan them.
I want to pray in faith and be able to be still enough to hear my answers.
I want to openly weep with the joy I feel in this Gospel.
I want to share the Gospel's message of peace and forever families with my friends.
I want to have the courage to do so and I pray that they accept it.
I want to be different.
I desire to experience that mighty change.

A Mighty Change of Heart

The Lord promised, "A new heart... will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you." That spiritual surgery, like in the body, may cause you pain and require a change in habits and conduct. But in both cases, recovery brings renewed life and peace of mind.

I found that online while searching for "heart" statements in both the scriptures and talks given. I want to prepare little pill bottles full of these sayings and give them to the sisters to use as "medicine" for their changed hearts, that when taken regularly, their new hearts will not be rejected and will not turn stony again. I am so very excited about this lesson. I absolutely love the conference talks that I have found about the new hear the Lord promised us. I know that if mine has not yet been fully transplanted it is on it's way, despite my old heart not giving way fully yet. It was said somewhere that the old heart must break first in order to make room for the new one. I believe this fully - a broken heart and a contrite spirit is what is required of us and the Lord will provide the new one for us. I am loving this topic!!

I also really, really want to give the lesson about President Monson's talk about the "warm fuzzies" and give each sister a little jam jar and bag of colorful cotton balls so that they can fill their own jar of warm fuzzies whenever they complete an action of goodwill towards others - as a sweet visual reminder. I was so touched by all the stories told by President Monson that he and his wife read in the numerous letters sent to him. I want to inspire the sisters to live their lives likewise, and for mine to be an example unto them. I am so excited to share this with the sisters!!

A Blessing....

I have been most uncertain lately, about a lot of things: work, school, relationships, church, health, ect. I have not been applying myself with due diligence to those things which should be most important in my life. I have been allowing those non-essentials to crowd my time. Alex, and all that came with him, was a huge non-essential. As "nice" as it was to have someone who cared about me, it was only crushing my soul. He was a scapegoat; because I "loved" him, I allowed myself to go back to doing things that I knew were not right. I was not strong. I was very weak and I hope to be better. I blame myself for not holding out for a more righteous companion. I was so desperate for someone to love me that I did not care, at that time, that he was not good for me. I say "at that time" because I knew then, but more fully now, that he was not right for me and no matter how much we both said we would be good, we knew we would not. It was "fun" to be bad. I remember crying to myself after some of our interactions, because I knew what had gone on was wrong. I knew it was a shameful act and I was ashamed - not enough to not do it again though. I feel awful now thinking back on it. I want to just rewind my life about six years and start all over again. Making the right choices.
But we cannot rewind the tape or turn back the clock. There is only the future to look forward to and today, that future is bright! Today I was blessed with the assurance that those blessings that I desire with all of my heart, as promised in my Patriarchal Blessing (pb), have not been lost, that as long as I live righteously, they are still obtainable. I was unsure of these things. I was afraid that I had done so much wrong that there was no way I would be able to obtain those blessings anymore. I was so scared. I am SO grateful for the men in my life; my brothers and my father. Their faithfulness in their calling to hold the Priesthood is a marvelous example to me. I love them for their diligence in the matter and am ever blessed because of it. I was surrounded by the stomaches and love of my oldest and younger brother and my father. My heart grieved for the missing two brothers. I pray that in time they'll come to realize the greatness of the Gospel and the peace and harmony that can come through it. Jacob proclaims to know the truth of it, yet refuses to live by it's precepts. Aaron just blatantly rejects it, seeing it as restrictive and something that is being forced upon him. I hope he'll come back to it of his own volition, so that his testimony may be made strong. I love my family so, I want them ALL to be with me in eternity.

Love thyself....

I feel the need to have someone else appreciate me. I feel bad in this somewhat because it's kind of like screaming "look at me! look at me!" But I don't want everyone to look at me... I just want someone to look at me. Right now, that someone is no one in particular because there is none available, but oh well...
I like who I am as a person. Kind of. I don't want to just go focusing on the negatives here because I don't want to seem down on myself, but I also don't want to go focusing just on the positives. I know I am a daughter of God. I know that I am worth so much to Him and that He loves me so much. I just get down on myself because I feel very alone. I know I should not need a man to justify my life and my worth, BUT it is very nice to be appreciated by someone who loves you.
I hate church dances because of this very reason. They always make me feel alone as I sit back by myself. I watch all the other girls get asked to dance and sit there watching them all dance. I probably put off some vibe that I don't want to be asked to dance, but Honestly, what girl doesn't want to be asked to dance? SIGH..... I shouldn't go on about this. Stopping.
Tomorrow is Sunday and oh what a glorious busy day. Branch Council/Welfare meeting, then church, then home teaching, choir, and Branch Devotional! Yay! Busy busy day! I just hope that I'm in a good mood a spirit for tomorrow. Pray for me.

Let them worship how, where, or what they may....

So, I don't like forcing my beliefs down anyone's throat. I'd appreciate it if others reciprocated in kind. I know that man has the freedom to choose whom they will worship and I'll let them do it how and where they want, but why do people not believe me?
My friend is an agnostic, at least that is what he calls himself. I'm not entirely sure what he believes in, if anything, but I respect his choice. What saddens me about it, and this is where things go horribly wrong if we have conversations about religion, is that he was LDS, he knows/knew the truth and yet he fell away. I personally don't get it. Knowing what I know, I could never believe anything else. No other religion would have all the answers and the option to just not believe- IMPOSSIBLE!! I do not understand how people can believe that there is no God. They must live in very sad and lonely little worlds.
The whole world speaks to the existence of some "higher power." This wonderful world could not have come about alone through evolution (although I will not deny that things evolve, just not man from monkeys!)
I worry for those who knew/know the truth and yet reject it still. I worry for them because I know what a detriment it is to their progression to have put up that barrier. I fear for them, but am scared to approach it head on, which I feel is the only way to do it. There is no gray area!!
WHAT DO I DO?!

If not, I have failed indeed....

I was listening to President Monson's talk today about good works. It impressed upon me greatly the importance of charity and love towards our fellowman. When he spoke about all the letters, books, cards, and records of the good works people had done in fulfillment of his wish made me tear up and want to cry. I was filled with the "warm fuzzies" even though I was just listening to the recounting of these marvelous works.
I love the opportunity to serve. Tonight I was the last minute sitter to the children of a man from work who needed to attend a conference about his medical condition and some updates about a hope for a cure. It was awesome watching these little souls. They were precious! They thought I was a parent just because I knew so many shows :) I just told them I was just a really big kid!
I cannot wait until we are able to do the service project November 7th with the Salvation Army and I really hope we can pull something together for Institute!! Speaking of... I am SO excited about our super-secret activity at the end of the semester! The service project in Omaha, NE was amazing! We had so much fun laying down the wood chips in the path for their corn maze!
I am seriously considering having a "good works" moment for a week instead of a missionary moment one Sunday in Relief Society. I would warn the sisters the week before, but I just think it would be superb to get to share some of the good works the sisters had done throughout the week or even month! I want to do it after sharing President Monson's talk. It was just SO touching! I want to be more in the service of my God by serving my fellow being.

My Mother's Faith

I had a give-away copy of a Book of Mormon on my book shelf. I don't know where it came from or how it wound up in my collection. I couldn't find my quad, and still can't, so I started reading from it, because I wanted to read nightly before sleep. Two nights ago, I found on the inside page a note from my mom. This book was intended to be given away, she had wrote her testimony of the BoM in it. It never found its way into that person's hands. I've been contemplating asking my mom about it and seeing, if we can find the person, if she'd be willing to send it now. Anyway, last night, I was just randomly opening up to a passage when color caught my eye. The book had been marked up. Not like randomly drawn on by some child with an overzealous imagination, but passages had been marked in the book. Scripture masteries, passages about how this book testifies of Christ and how precious the Gospel is. I am amazed! I'm sure my own scriptures may have some of these passages marked due to its tenure in my collection, but this book was prepared to be given to a non-member, to cue them into some of the important parts of this marvelous work! I am so excited to go through the book now and find each and every one of the scriptures that my mother marked. Obviously they mean something to her and I hope I can find that meaning. My mother's faith and strength amaze me.

MmmMmm Tasty!!

As I sit here enjoying my delicious Lean Cuisine French Bread Pizza I was relishing all the other tasty things I had partaken of this day. I was able to feast on the words of a few Apostles of the Lord and some other Church leaders.
I made a kind of pact with myself that I would not listen to the radio any more while in my car. I was going to download all the podcasts of General Conference and listen to them instead; and I did!
So now when I leave home in the morning, being it school or work bound, I gratefully enjoy the words of these wise people. I was able to listen to Elder L. Tom Perry who spoke on The Past Way of Facing the Future. He spoke lovingly of the Manti, UT temple and the Logan, UT temple. The dedication of the pioneers and early saints is an inspiration to us. They were faithful in following the counsels of the Prophet whenever it came to picking up and starting over again. Especially how the early saints who had lived in Manti had been promised by President Kimball a temple. They were so anxious that they started building it! They were so were dedicated!! Makes me want to build a temple!!
Next I was able to hear from Bishop H. David Burton who spoke about "Let Virtue Garnish Thy Thoughts Unceasingly" He mentioned how as a child he had troubles memorizing the Thirteenth Article of Faith - I actually found this one to be one of the easiest, mainly becuase it was so long and I love a memorization challenge! He speaks of virtue and how so many virtues end in -ITY, which he refers to as the ITY virtues; charity, chastity, civility, humility, fidelity, ect. He said "We need not be a part of the virtue malaise that is penetrating and infecting society." This is amazing! The loss of virtue in the world is a disease! It's a plague!! I could not agree more! I shake my head in sadness and unbelief when I see some examples of it in the world.
The Choir then sang "How Firm A Foundation." I absolutely LOVE hearing the Tabernacle Choir sing. They are so amazingly balanced. I sang along in the car to this one. It was after school was over and I was on my way to the hospital to visit Steph.
While still on the way to the hospital, and while trying to figure out where to park there (crazy confusing!) I was able to hear from Sister Ann M. Dibb (daughter of the Prophet Thomas S. Monson I found out by listening to this talk - because I don't just know these things). She gave a marvelous talk about how we have all the safety equipment necessary to return home to our Heavenly Father, but we sometimes choose not to use it. It is a powerful message. We are given the tools we need! Prayer! Scriptures! Prophets! Family! Church! Sacrament! AND THE LIST GOES ON!!! We must have like the biggest tool belt ever, but each one is so essential! We are temples and each tool helps to carve our beautiful exterior.
The last talk I was blessed to listen to was by Elder Russel M. Nelson who spoke on prayer and personal revelation. He spoke on how important it is to have Faith. How we must have real intent, intent to really intend to follow the direction given. So powerful, how often do we pray and then put aside the counsels of the Lord?! Crazy?! He spoke how leaders need to display good virtues such as faith, charity, love, and hope in order to receive revelation for those whom we have charge over. It brought much to my mind, such as choosing a new counselor and secretary. I wish I did not have to change anything! He also spoke about how "The change from being a natural man to a devoted disciple is a mighty one." TOO TRUE!!! It is extremely hard to fully put off the natural man because it is so "natural" to be natural.
To finish off this daily feast I was joyed to hear one of my favorite Primary songs "Love is Spoken Here." The Choir performed it masterfully and were so perfectly balanced. I absolutely love, Love, LOVE that song and to hear it done so beautifully is just awe-inspiring! The pefect way to end the day.
Now I admit, I re-listened to parts of the talks to remind myself how to say things right and to get their titles, so I kind of had a little after-dinner snack! But so worth it. I cannot wait to listen to the rest of them.!!! Bon Apetit!

He lives to wipe away my tears....

It seems the more I try to understand life, the more I cry.
I want to be a good daughter of God. I want to try and understand my purpose here. I know the general purpose; come to Earth, be tested, life faithfully, return home to our Heavenly Father, but it's so much more than that. I want to know what my life will be like.
I truly believe in the blessings promised in my Patriarchal blessing, but I worry that some of the things I've done in my life have caused me to lose some of those blessings, including those I desire most. I can't see myself being as selfless and faithful as Sister Barbara Thompson in life, being single. I see others around me finding happiness with others and yet I feel like the third wheel. The spare tire, good for when an emergency pops up, but otherwise hanging out in the back of the car, alone. I just wish I had someone to be there for me.
I learned a very powerful lesson today about Pride during Institute. Bishop Steinegal gave us a great little "Book of Ezra" which was a talk by President Ezra Taft Benson which explains Pride. It is a mighty powerful talk and the part that hit me the hardest was "Pride is a sin that can readily be seen by others, but is rarely admitted in ourselves." Also, what Pride is. Pride is Enmity towards God and our fellowmen, enmity being defined as Hatred, Hostility, and Opposition. It was kind of a very big slap in the face when I thought about it like that. There are so many times each day when I display those horrible attributes. I felt really bad about all of it. I have a lot on my mind right now and just needed to let it out... Thus the creation of my blog!

I want to use this blog to help me record those moments in my life when my faith has been shaken or strengthened. I just want to find Faith.