Swapp-ing Elders

Elder Nathaniel Ray Swapp had his last day in our mission today. He goes to KC tomorrow and then home Wednesday. He will be missed. He is a great guy. A gentle giant with humility flowing from him with ease. He is soft spoken and sweet and I hope that he has a marvelous life. I'm betting his mom will be really happy to see him again :) I know I would be if I had to be away from him for two whole years.
Our branch will now be getting two new elders because Fisher is being transferred to the Kellogg Branch Spanish speaking mission because that is now where the Zone Leaders will be, he and Elder Frehner. I hope our new elders are awesome, because we've had a long streak of awesome and anything less would just be disappointing.

Sunday

So, all of my siblings were in sacrament with me this week! It was awesome! If only my parents had been there it would have been the whole family!!! Next week maybe because Jacob is giving a talk and mom and dad said they would be there and that is why Joe & Sarah were there this week because they got the date mixed up. It was so nice though, even though we didn't all sit together. I am so grateful for the chances I do get to see people on Sundays though and for all the happiness they bring to my life. I am grateful for my calling and the opportunities it gives it me to look beyond myself and see and help others, although I fear I do not do it often enough still. I was super excited to sit down with Pres. Beeson today and talk. He kind of made me feel better about my craziness and anxiety. It was helpful, and I had no idea that he was able to see my frustrations so clearly - talk about inspiration. We had a great object lesson today about the Holy Ghost in Relief Society and then talked about the Gathering of Israel in Gospel Principles - both extraordinary! Then in sacrament Rebekah and Katie spoke about gratitude in their lives and Nate spoke on how the Refirmation paved the way for the Restoration. It was incredibly deep and insightful. I know that he has a wonderfully deep connection with the Spirit and I pray that someday I may be as eloquent when speaking through the Spirit.
After church was our Relief Society planning meeting and we hammered out some more details for the dance. I am super excited for Dec. 8th - we are going to meet up and have lunch at Fazzoli's before going shopping at Sam's for our food stuffs! It will be marvelous!
For dinner we had frito chili pie which was great and then my parents gave me my birthday cake which was Red Velvet Cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory (via Sam's)!! It was great! I am thankful to my parents for wanting to make me feel special for my birthday. I just wish they didn't think that I was running away yesterday, it actually frustrates me that they do. I really just wanted to have that time to myself. Perhaps that is running away, but I needed to be in the temple yesterday. It was a marvelous experience for me. I then played speed scrabble with Sarah, Joe, Mom, Michael, and Sarah's friend Geneva who is a linguist and just got out of a four year teaching stint at the MTC! Pretty sweet! It was a lot of fun and I even won twice! Yay! I then went downstairs and watched "Holiday in Handcuffs" cute little movie with Melissa Joan Hart and that cute guy who played Slater on "Saved By The Bell." Then the boys invaded and wanted to play Smash Bros, so I retired here!
All in all a good day! Only two days of work this week and then Thanksgiving! I can't wait until Turkey bowl and am super excited to see Tangled on Wednesday! Hooray for holidays & family!

What I Learned Today

Today is my birthday. I am now 25 years old. A quarter of a century! It's pretty awesome. I slept in until about 8:45 and then woke up and went to the temple. I had to go alone because no one else volunteered to go with me and I had to go! I was waffling about going because of the activities that were planned, but after hearing Elder Hillier speak yesterday about the temple, I just had to go! It was where I was supposed to be. I felt so much peace and tranquility about the whole trip that ending up going alone was fine. I was able to attend the Spanish session and opted to not have the English headphones, so I went through the session in Spanish which was easier to understand than I thought and also harder than I thought. I am grateful that I remember a lot of the endowment in English so that I could grasp key words and know where we were. I am also thankful for what little Spanish I do know so that I could understand most of it. It was definitely a neat experience and I know that it means the same in any language.

While sitting in the Celestial room I prayed about what I should do with my life and I felt comfortable with my decision to pursue teaching instead of nursing. I feel that until I am able to influence a family of my own I am going to reach out to children through teaching to help strengthen home and family relationships and encourage the children to seek the better part. I am also not going to worry or stress about finding my eternal companion right away or feel like a failure because I'm not dating. I am simply going to live my life the way I need to be so that when the Lord is ready to bless me with that opportunity I am ready and worthy to accept.

What I learned today from the temple, or what stuck out most to me, was how every time we sin, we must have some sort of punishment, be it a heavy sense of remorse or temporal hardship, but after that punishment, immediately, even in the same breath as being told what we have to deal with, we are told how we can avoid ever having to go through that again as long as we are obedient to the Lord. He knows that we need to learn from our mistakes, but he so badly wants to let us know how we don't have to suffer. His love for us is so strong and infinite!

Yesterday we had the opportunity as singles to go attend a special devotional with Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles and also hear from Elder Hillier of the Seventy. It was a wonderful session. The love and authority that radiated from Elder Scott was so intense! He has a bright and wonderful witty sense of humor and his love for the youth of the church is so obvious in his speech. He held a wonderful question and answer session with those in attendance and afterward shook the hand of all who wanted to - which was pretty much everyone! His handshake was so perfect! I know it is silly to fixate on it, but seriously, I have never had such a handshake before! It was a wonderful evening!

So, now I am going to go to sleep. I think this was probably one of the most excellent birthdays I have had in a long time! It was so peaceful and calm, yet fun and enlightening! I may have to make birthday temple trips a tradition!

Hurts so much...

It hurts so much to feel this way; so angry and full of ill will. I don't like snapping like that and I don't know why I let things get to me so easily. I feel like so much pressure is put on me that I just explode when the tiniest crack is made. The only problem with that is that I'm the one who is mentally pressuring myself and thinking that everyone else is and I'm the one who is allowing myself to crack. I just feel so hopeless, scared, and lost when this happens. All I want to do is run away to a place where I am all by myself and cannot be like this to people. I mean, what is happening to me? I had to sit out of Sacrament the other day because I was just feeling so claustrophobic and anxious. I don't like it. I don't like it at all. I feel like it is a terrible bruise that I just don't want anyone to see or prod. Balm of Gilead? Definitely. I'm pretty sure that right now He is the only one who knows exactly what I'm feeling right now and the only one who will listen to me and not offer suggestions on how to fix it right away, but let me figure it out with His guidance. I'm grateful for that. Baby steps. But right now, I just want to fold my laundry and go to bed.

Initiation...

So.... Today I was officially initiated into being a bus driver.... Hold on, not as exciting as you might think, you have no idea what I had to go through to get there....

A kid threw up on my bus!!!

Poor kid! It was so funny because I felt so bad for him and tried to make him feel better all while suppressing my gag reflex!

It takes some drivers 10 years to get into this club, but I got in early.... Lucky me!

A Clean Room Goes A Long Way...

Today I endeavored to clean both my car and my room in an attempt to clean my life up a little. I'm not down into anything truly dirty or nitty gritty, but I do desire to make the spaces I dwell in more inviting to the Spirit and inspiring of peace. I am almost satisfied with my room, still some clean clothes to put away (more coming out of the dryer hourly), some movies to categorize, some boxes to get rid of, and some odds and ends that either need hanging our placing around the room. The car is good, however I would still like to vacuum it and wipe down the interior of all the dust that it collects, also an air freshener would be lovely.
I am going to be attempting to be more Christlike and either though he was born in a barn, pardon the bad parenting joke, His house is immaculate and I would like nothing more than to feel the same peace of mind and soul that I feel there in my own home. I shall endeavor to be more engaged in good works such as reading my scriptures, reading my manuals to discover helps for my calling, and listening to talks and broadcasts while I pursue worthwhile activities such as crocheting that blanket for Aaron and writing in this journal.
I am still very excited for the opportunity to see Elder Scott this Friday and spend all day in the Temple on my birthday!

---Because it is noteworthy to mention, however sad; Sister Kincaid, the wife of our branch's high council representative, passed away suddenly this past Saturday evening after a day of service in the Temple. She and Brother Kincaid were temple workers multiple times a month. She was a wonderful woman who always contributed so positively to discussions in Relief Society and she will be sorely missed.

The House of the Lord

I was SO excited to go to the temple today! This morning started out with the wonderfully inspiring words of the beloved Prophet and several other general authorities in the Worldwide Leadership Training Meeting concerning the new manuals. They really instilled in me a desire to read and know my manual so that I may better counsel with the sisters in my presidency and with the sisters in the branch. I cannot wait to get our new ones tomorrow!
After the broadcast, which, thankfully, they were showing at seven a.m. at the 13th street building, I went to Village Inn and got some tasty breakfast, then went to the Stake Center to meet up with Nate. Ended up watching the first hour of the broadcast again with Nate and then we left to pick up Tim, his brother, and made our way down to the temple. The drive down was great! Nate and Tim are the perfect people to go on a road trip with- hilarious! We were afraid we were going to be late for our sessions, but made it just on time!! It was a very full session too!
The endowment itself was, of course and as always, beautiful and very reverencing. I am still in awe of the wonderful simplicity of it all that conveys such deep and glorious truths. I was able to assist in cleaning the temple today! So exciting to be able to assist the work in new ways! My mine was still caught up in the particular question that I have had since my last visit to the temple and I have not still come to a full knowledge of the answer, but nevertheless I shall endure and persevere to discover the truth so that I may grow from it.
After our delightful session we ate dinner at Abuelo's - muy sabrosa! Nate and Tim are such gentlemen, didn't let me pay or open my own door! On the way home we made some awesome plans for next Saturday which I am just fully stoked about! Friday is the YSA Conference in Lawrence with Elder Scott!!! and after that Tim & I will drive straight down to OKC so he can work in the Temple on Saturday and so that I can attend all the sessions I desire, including a session in Spanish! So very excited to do that!! I am so grateful for Tim's willingness to allow me to go with him!
I am very happy to have been in the House of the Lord today and am deeply grateful for the proximity to which I live to His House. My soul is at peace, my mind is at ease, and my heart is full near to bursting.

Troubles Lately..

So, I have a lot of stress/anxiety and anger issues. My fuse has apparently shortened tremendously and I am, of late, unable to keep my bitter tongue under wraps. Every word that comes dripping off of it is as bitter and harsh as a cold winter wind. The amount of negativity that flows forward in my tone is overwhelmingly disturbing because it is all people, my family, say they hear out of me. Living at home is not easy after you've been out for almost 3 years... even living across town. I also am having issues being around large groups of people because I start to feel very conscious of everything and rather anxious. Not always, like I'm fine sitting in our FHE group, or in church classes, but not in Sacrament or while in Institute. It's super weird though because I especially have a hard time around my family. They seem to entice my brain into yelling at itself with all these negative thoughts and insecurities. It should be like that around family. I have lost my place to feel unconditional love from anyone but the Savior, luckily that carries with me in my heart as long as I have faith in it. I wish I would get better.

Farewell...

So, Elder Cooper Riley is leaving today, back to Kansas City for a day with the Mission President and then home to Utah. He will be greatly missed. I am glad he found that feeling of home here and I hope that his goal of coming back in April is realized, it would be amazing to see him again and actually get to hug him instead of by proxy. I admit I will dwell on him for a bit; he was unique. But time heals all "wounds" and I am sure that it will be just fine having him as a Facebook friend and getting to text him occasionally. I know that I am not the only girl who fell for him while he was here, but I hope I'm not the last holding on. It shouldn't be too hard to let go, I hope. I will always be grateful for the eggs :)

And so begins the waiting game...

I am so not patient enough for this game. I am waiting for a phone call from First Student so I can start my behind the wheel training and be one step closer to having a job! Ugh... just hate waiting so much. Super glad tonight is institute, hope i can stay positive because I feel myself slipping.

2am

So, It's 2am... and I'm not asleep. Seeing as I have no job that demands my presence early in the morning, I'm kind of just being a gigantic bum. Today, later after I sleep, I am dedicated to doing laundry. Since it is Wednesday and I have nothing going on in the evenings on Wednesday, I can spend the entire day at my house. Will I? Maybe. Not entirely sure, I do need to run those cruets by Sarah for the reception and I do want to get my hair trimmed. I really should go for a walk, or go swimming, or do something semi-productive. Although, laundry really does need to be done. I am out of EVERYTHING it seems. Well, I am going to bed now...

Oh yeah, life update. Unemployed at the moment. Got quit/fired from T-Mobile on August 2nd and just this past week Drew told me he couldn't afford to pay me anymore, so yeah, things are going great. Living off of my 401k, which is not going to last much longer. Really REALLY not looking forward to finding a job, my most promising prospects are the post office doing data entry and Student First as a bus driver for USD 259. So yeah... I am out of work, working on Sarah and Joe's wedding, and just trying to stay positive, which I'm finding really hard. I fear it is because I am not doing those things in my life which I should be.

I Love to See the Temple

I'll go inside TODAY!! I'll covenant with my Father, I'll promise to Obey! For the Temple is a holy place where we are sealed together. As a child of God, I know this truth, a Family is Forever!!

I am so excited/anxious to go to the temple today. It seems like forever ago that I got my recommend, over 6 weeks ago! and now the day is finally here!! I am so very grateful for Joe and Sarah for driving me down so I don't have to drive alone and can talk with them about it. I feel so inadequate sometimes in expressing how I truly feel about all this, which is just UBER UBER Excited with a huge dose of humility and awe.

Well, I'll let you know how it goes!

Wedding & Worries

I love my friends, honestly I do, but I hate planning events for them. I hate how they're apathetic about things right up until the very end and then "Hello Bridezilla!" I feel bad for feeling this way towards them, and for snapping at the people at the reception. I just felt so out of control and nothing really went the way it was supposed to. I just wish at the end of the day I had someone to come home to who would be that rock for me so that I could take a rest of it. I feel like I'm constantly supporting others so much that my own foundation is crumbling to rubble. And worse, I feel guilty when I have to turn to others because they're never ready for me to turn to them, plus they're never really want I need and I feel bad because I want them so badly to be, but they're not and I get frustrated by that.
When is it going to be my turn to be happy?

Missionary Minded

Is it horrible that I like Elder Riley? I know I' m just doing the same thing I do with every other guy, I over analyze. I think too much about every little that they is done/said and I obsess. Frick! But he is SO nice and cute and he sings well!! Dang! I just wish I knew. Cannot ask him because he is a missionary and because that would be super embarrassing. Is it so wrong to have that wishful thought that he'll come back once his mission is over? LOL - duh! I'm being silly about it, but I like being silly about guys, as long as it doesn't end up hurting my feelings in the end. Usually, I come to terms with how it really is and just kind of stop caring so much about them, like Jesse for instance. Had that discussion with him, told him how much I like him, but got turned down cold. That was awesome :( LOL! Oh well, still love to poke at him, but hopes secretly that he misses me liking him, which I don't think he does, but I can hope.

Things aren't horrible otherwise. I just need to find a way to stay emotionally balanced. Neither job is going super great right now. T-Mobile is just a dementor and sucks all the joy/happiness/warmth out of my life whenever it comes to getting feedback - I don't always feel that way about my customers; some, not all though. I really hope things pick up at Anmark. As crazy as Drew is and as unstable as the job is, I would still rather work there than at T-Mobile. I'm super excited to have these next 3 days off work! Hooray for friends getting married!! I'm hoping that Ashley doesn't become a brooding bridezilla when she finally realizes, oh right, I do care about what my reception is like. Sigh, only time will tell. I'll love her anyway, but the apathy up until the point of no return is a little wearing.

He cooked me eggs :) I wish I wasn't like this, but it's so fun to be.

Struggles

I've been struggling hard core lately. I just feel like breaking down and crying. I feel so broken and fragile, like anything could push me over. I see glimpses of myself sitting in the corner of a dark room crying and talking to myself, and then I gather myself and want to slap myself for being so emotional and irrational with those kinds of thoughts. I know I have a lot on my plate, but I put it there. I took both jobs and really enjoy the benefits of both jobs and cannot support myself financially w/o both jobs. But I miss the things that made my life normal: institute, movies, friends, sleep. I miss not being satisfied with my job. I miss being happy. Sure, I have moments of happiness, but the overall feeling is sadness and loneliness and depression. Even now I'm sitting here, trying so hard to cry and to not cry and the same time. I want to cry because I know I usually feel better after I emotionally void myself, but I don't want to cry because I hate crying, I feel so weak and stupid when I cry. I just feel really burnt out and stressed about everything. I want to be able to manage it all gracefully while keeping a level head and not flipping out emotionally, but it does not seem like that is going to happen.

August 27th, 2010

So.... I got my temple recommend. YAY!!
I want to go asap, but mom said I should go on August 27th because she already has the 3rd Saturday of each month off for their normal temple trip anyway, plus it will take time to get garments and order a temple dress/make one - whichever turns out to be easier.
I'm very excited! I feel like every time I think about it I'm getting a huge hug from the Spirit! It's amazing and makes me oh so happy with warm fuzzies!! I'm excited!

Patriarchal Reminders

So I had the urge this morning to read my Patriarchal Blessing, and by golly, I am so glad I did! I finally feel like my life is in accordance with what my blessing says. I'm so excited!! It just speaks great great peace to my heart to know that I am headed down the right path to be worthy of all the blessings promised, blessings that I desire greatly, but still righteously :P Here's to praying I keep on the straight and narrow!

Getting Our House in Order

Recently, I took a second job as an office manager for a company. It pays well and I can do the job easily. It was to be a temporary posistion unti I returned to school in the fall. However, upon recent reflection I have decided to keep with it until December and then return to school in the Spring when I will be able to afford it more easily, especially because I am paying for my school all on my own now. The really weird part is that this was not even my idea; it was my mother's. She mentioned it last night to me and then this morning to my dad. I called him this morning to see what he thought about it and he said he thought it was a good idea, because the money I could save from this job, because my first job pays my bills and basic needs, would allow me to be in a better posistion to pay for shool come spring. He tied it back to "Getting our houses in order" which of course is a commandment. I am grateful to my father for putting the gospel in my life today and always.

Missionaries

Missionaries have to my some of my favorite people in the whole world!
When I got home tonight a letter was waiting for me from Sister Nickelle Reid and I was so excited I shrieked! I then was too hopped up on happy even to write her back, so Ashley commandeered the laptop and wrote in a mini letter to her inside of mine! She's doing well and I am so glad that she is where she is! She leaves the MTC in a little over a week and then will be out doing the work! How super exciting! I wrote her a super long letter. I hope it wasn't too long!
The Elders in our branch right now are Amazing! Elder Hanson was pretty awesome, but he's since gone home and is now just Jay. In his place we got Elder Whitworth. He's a pretty nice guy from Provo, UT. Yeah, I know, I couldn't help but laugh either. LOL, when he said it in Sunday School the whole room just laughed; it was amazing! We love our U-tard Elders!! There was a different Elder with Elder Riley when they came over for dinner two Saturdays ago, Elder Nester. He also was from Provo, UT, but he had serious Utah pride and did not find Ashley and I's mocking to be very humorous. He even called us jerks :P It will be so much fun to see him again! I should probably make cookies and drop them by their apartment to show I bear no ill will towards the poor boy. Hands down, Elder Riley is my favorite though. I've always said that Heavenly Father makes men much hotter when their Elders. They're like forbidden fruit! LOL, if that doesn't already tell you what I think about him! Ha! I'm going to hades for this! Oh well, we're totally appropriate, just teasing and making him blush occasionally. It's super fun and I hope he gets to stay in our area for a very long time! Maybe until he goes home (in October I think?) Oh well.
Just thought I'd share my joy when thinking about Missionaries!!

Time & Temples

I don't sleep a lot lately. I have a pretty busy schedule which does not allow me much time for sleep. I wake up early - yes, I consider 7:30am early! I leave the house no later than 8:30am to be at work by 9am. I work from 9am-3pm and then drive over to T-Mobile and work there from 4pm-12am. I usually get home around 12:30am and get to sleep around 1am. So, not a lot of sleep. Now that is my Monday - Friday schedule. Saturdays vary, up until recently I would have to be up at 8am for 9am Mission Correlation Meetings at Josh's house. Now, since Josh is getting deployed again for a couple of months I don't know what I'll be doing on Saturday mornings unless there is some activity, so I may get to sleep. Not this Saturday though. This Saturday is En-Man-richment at the Lucas' property and we're carpooling at 9am, so I'll have to be up by 7:45am. We'll be at that all day long, but I hope to be able to go see Toy Story 3 that evening providing I can find someone to go with me. Sundays are always long days. Usually up by 9am or 9:30am to be at church by 11am for various meetings/ visiting teaching appointments. Church does not start until 1pm and goes through 4pm and then it is after church meetings/socializing, then over to the parents house (on most Sundays) to have dinner and hang out until around 11pm. Then we start M-F all over again!
I know that all things happen in the Lord's time, but often I want to look ahead and just be able to know when something is going to happen so that I don't have to sit around waiting for it without knowing that it will happen and when. Such as finding a special guy to be mine for time and eternity. It is something that is on my mind a little heavier than normal right now - no doubt due to Ashley's and Joe's weddings. I'm super excited for them, but man, loneliness is magnified when planning the nuptials of others! I feel as though I have been not as patient as I should be though. I've not lived the kind of life I should have - one of bridled passions and cool temperance. I have often let my heart go off on it's own without seeking the guidance of the Lord and it has always come back damaged, bruised, and discouraged. I have decided to give up hope on finding a non-member who will be good and help me be good. I do want a good man, someone who will strengthen my weaknesses and me his likewise. I thought I had found that good man in Jesse, but he is not ready to be there for someone like that. So he shall remain a friend. A friend is better than nothing - if only I did not feel for him.
I'm excited that I have my second job though. It will provide me with the funds needed to help pay for school this fall semester. I hope that I will be strong and buckle down - achieving great grades so that I can fix my GPA and earn back my financial aid for the next aid year or semester if they'll grant it. I will miss the extra income during the school year though. I am grateful that I have this job though. It provides me a marvelous opportunity to spend extra time studying and listening/reading talks. I am trying to become better at my gospel studies so that my faith may increase and my testimony will be strengthened.
I'm not sure I've shared, but I'm working on receiving my endowment! I'm super super super excited! Each of the last 3-4 times that I have had opportunity to go to the Temple for baptisms I can recall my longing and desire to have my endowment so that I may more fully participate in the ordinances therein and serve the Lord more fully. I'm excited to have the marvelous opportunity to receive my endowment before I am 25. It will be an extra blessing to have it prior to Joe and Sarah's wedding so that I may attend their sealing. I really do desire this endowment righteously. I do not want it merely to say that I have it. I want it so that I may be able to attend the Temple when I want rather than having to wait until either of the single's branches have a trip. I am so grateful for the Temples and for the vicarious work that is performed in them. I am so excited to learn more!

Rain Storms and Revelations

Today's lesson in Relief Society was "The Life of Christ." Sarah asked a question of what about Christ's life did we like or what about it influenced us. I shared that I desire to see others as Christ sees them, to look at them and see through all the worldly outer coverings, labels, and hang-ups and see them for who they truly are; children of God. To see their weaknesses, flaws, and fears and know how to succor them. To truly care for and love them the way He did. It is true, I often think how very different my perspective on life would be if I could see my brothers and sisters the way He did. Later on during sacrament, while the prayer was being said and the bread passed I had a thought that brought me nearly to tears. I was thinking about how I desired to see people that way and saying a little prayer that I might endeavor more faithfully to do so when I was struck with the thought of seeing myself through His eyes. I do not believe that I have ever desired to see myself through His eyes, not that I do not know that He sees me that way too, but I do not see myself that way. I do not look in the mirror and see myself with eyes that see the flaws and then sees past them to just love unconditionally the individual looking back. How am I to love others and ask to see others in the way I desire if I cannot see myself that way? I have much to work on within myself, but I know that with the love of Christ in my life I will be okay, and as a wise friend once told me, getting to be "okay" is hard work; I look forward to it.
In other news, my sweet puppy has been given away. I posted on Facebook about my situation needing to find her a home and a co-worker volunteered to take her. It was so hard and I broke down a couple of times. My brother Jacob was an excellent listener as I wept on the phone about how heartbroken I was right after my co-worker drove off with her. I found out just a day or two later that he is not able to keep her because his landlord accused her of being a dangerous breed. Thankfully he will not be giving her back because I could not take giving her away again. I have hang ups about it though because I will have no control over who she goes home to and I will not know if she will be cared for. Oh well, I trust that she will be loved and cared for.
After church today we went out to dinner with Uncle Walt. He is the exact same character he's always been.
I came home after dinner and was feeling slightly melancholy. I sat on the floor near the kitchen door and watched the lightning flash and the fireflies flick in and out of sight. It was very nice. It then started raining so I decided to go sit on the front porch. As I sat there getting rained on I just thought, but my mind did not come upon any solid thought, it just kind of drifted. I decided, after sitting there for a while and getting fairly wet on the front side of myself, to walk around the front part of the house to the side to go in through the garage so as not to traipse water all across the house. In short order I was completely soaked. I came inside and changed. Ashley came home and wanted to go puddle jumping. So here I go again.

count down

I have to give my puppy away soon. So not happy about it and have been putting it off. Sigh! It is going to be so hard and I know I'm not strong enough to do it myself. But who do I ask? Who should I lean on for that kind of emotional support?

In a pit that I dug..

So, because I have been slacking at school and not taking it seriously, therefore failing my classes here and there, I am being denied financial aid for the next school year. Also, if I do not return this semester and improve my overall GPA I will be dismissed from the University. So, now I have to figure out how I am going to manage to pay for books, a full time class load, and everything else I already pay for. After Ashley gets hitched I am more than likely going to have to live with my parents. That is of course, after I get rid of Nanders, which if I haven't found her a home by then then someone will have to take her to the Humane Society for me, because there is no way I could. That means I will need to be uber strict with my finances and I still need to find a second job. Thanks Target for not hiring me back :( That job would have been cake for 2 months. I wish I didn't have to go to school and could work two jobs for the next year, then I'd have some money saved up. But even then, I would still be lacking the social life I wish I could make happen. I want so badly to be able to participate, at least in Institute, FHE if my schedule allowed, but neither one of them for as long as I have been is just not great. Sure I can run down to the building on my lunch break, but staying for only 40 minutes is not the same. I just want to be okay. I know that I'm not okay. I know I have a lot of stuff to work on. I just feel like I can't take that first step because I don't know where to put my foot down, which way to go about trying to make this work. I wish I was stronger.

It's me or the dog....

I hide behind a lot of things; my weight, my family, my dog, my job, myself...etc. I fight hard with myself and others for the right to do so. I do not want certain securities to go away. My dog for instance is recently the topic of much controversy/debate in my life recently. I got her over a year ago now. She became a huge wedge between my roommate at the time and myself, mainly because I did not want to give her back to the pound. I was selfish. I still am selfish. Throughout the entire duration of time that I have had her my family has always said "Get rid of her. It's unfair to her for you to have her." I cannot bring myself to give her up. She is the one thing that brings me happiness when I'm home.
I am scared. I love having her around because she gives me something to focus on rather than focus on myself. I do not want to face being alone by myself. If I come home and she's not here to be stupid and make me smile, what will? Who will be here to be a presence when I feel so alone? I do not want to face myself alone. I do not want to have to sit there in silence and have nothing to focus on other than myself. Nothing to care for other than myself. But now I've had her so long that I've formed a strong attachment that is going to be extremely hard and painful to sever. My parents think that it is something I must do. I agree with them in my heart because of the underlying goal they have for me, but it hurts so much to think of life alone.
I do not like to be alone. When left to my own self I often drift to the darker side of my thoughts and the emptiness seems to swallow me whole some days. I'm scared. Scared to tears of the reality of what I'd have to face without having something else to focus my energies on. I do not like to face my fears alone. Not that the dog can help me overcome my fears, but she is something to hug. Something warm to cuddle up against. Something that loves me unconditionally, even when she doesn't listen and when I yell at her. I'm just scared to death of letting her go and I feel like I'm doing her wrong doing so.
I just don't want to be alone. I do not want to come home to an empty apartment and have nothing to love. Because I don't love myself enough to be alone. But "It's me or the dog." I know she's not the only thing holding me back or that I lean on or hide behind, but she is a large one, one that causes a lot of grief to those around me. I love her dearly though. I am very conflicted. Very scared. And taking those things said with love to me in a very hard way. The wicked take the truth to be hard. I am lacking a love for myself, a confidence in myself, a faith in myself. I wish it were easier. I wish I could compromise, but in this battle there must be no compromise. Decisions must be made and they will be so very bitter and hard at times, hopefully not all of them will be thus though.
"I need Thee every hour." We sang that today in church and I just wanted to cry. I closed my eyes and prayed through the song's words. I know that I can make it through. I know, deep down in my heart - as hard as it may be at times, that I am never alone as long as I let the Savior into my life. I just need to get through this. I hope that I will get through this. That I will make the right decisions, that I will let my heart lead and that my heart will be softened to the promptings of the Spirit as I go through this time of trials of self-discovery and learning to love myself. "I need Thee Every Hour" just came on on "The Mormon Channel" - Perfect is His love and sufficient His grace, even for me, if only I'd allow Him in.

insecurities

so i had a really bad mental shakedown around three this afternoon. i was working on my project for school and all of a sudden i just did not feel right. i felt vulnerable, like something or someone was out to get me. i felt that anything and everything was going to make me cry. i felt anxious and had this tingling sense of dread. my whole outlook was extremely depressing and very heavy. i just was not happy. i have felt like this before, but never to the extent that i felt like i could not function while going through it. it was before work and i could not stop thinking about just needing to be out of there. i wanted to tell my coach that i was having a hard time, but she was not around. so like a beacon in the dark i got a call from my mom. she told me how she had seen that i was not felling right today when i saw her at school earlier. she told me to pray and that she would pray for me. i did pray. i went to the restroom and sat on the stool and prayed for relief from this horrible grip that this anxiety had on me. i was so scared. i can say now that i am not scared and overly nervous and anxious anymore, however i am still fairly blah about being here at work. i was not scared during the tornado warning except for a few brief moments after they blew the air horn to signal us to get off the phones. it was really coming down outside after the warning and memories of playing in the rain flashed before my eyes and became my spoken wish. it would have been awesome. but it passed and was then just sunshiney and clear. i hope the hail did not damage my car. i am already up to my nose indebt, i do not need it going up to my eyes. i am so nervous about our presentations. i really want it to go well. if only i were not so terrible at trusting others to do their part or hinder mine

Mother's Day

So today is Mother's Day. Got me thinking about several things: my deep desire to be a mother and wife someday (hopefully not too far gone in the future), my own mother and how we've had such an at-odds relationship for most of my life (until recently), and the women in this life who are great examples of mother and act as second mothers to me.
I truly do believe that the greatest calling a women could ever hold is that of mother. I know, deep deep down in my hear that I am meant to be a mother on this earth. When I received my patriarchal blessing, I will not lie, I was waiting for it and when I heard that I would have the opportunity to be a mother and a wife, I bawled. It was the one thing I wanted to know for sure. I still fear that the wicked days of my past have made me unworthy for that great blessing and will always be grateful to my dad who gave me a comfort blessing letting me know that I hadn't screwed it up yet. Ever since then I have been devoted to being the kind of woman who is deserving of being a mother to precious spirits. I do not believe I have any other greater desire in my heart and soul. It is why I gravitate towards children all the time. I'm secretly yearning for them to be mine and to be able to care for them; to hold them when they are scared or tired, to kiss their cheeks while they sleep, to show them the wonderful truth of the gospel that they may know the joy it brings to my life. So, I wait. Impatiently at times but always anxiously. Family matters most to me and I do not think that will ever change.
What would the world be without mothers? Unfathomable!! I like the John Mayer song daughters "Mothers be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do. Girls become lovers who turn into mothers, so mothers be good to your daughters too." It is so true that you become your mother! Oh that dreaded phrase "You're just like your mother!", usually said with such backhanded sympathy because they knew you never wanted to be like your mother, but laugh that you now are. I've always been a mini-me of my mom; in appearance, in emotional issues, and in the way I deal with things. It's no wonder that I turned out pretty much exactly like her. That is okay though. I truly do LOVE my mom. I think back to all the times when as a teenager growing up when I purposefully put myself at odds with her. I did not make loving me easy, but she always did and still does. I do not think I will ever be able to make up for the way I treated her as a teen/young adult, but I hope I never give up trying. Like mother like daughter.
A special shout-out to all the wonderful women in my life. For all my friends' moms who were like moms to me whenever I was around. Who provided me with a great Easter while my family was away, who makes the most amazing cheesecakes ever, who helped raise some of the most wonderful women in the world who I am blessed to call friends. You've provided me with an army of sisters and brothers to help me conquer the insecurities inside myself through their friendship and love which they gained from you! You are amazing! Thank you!
I cannot wait to see my mother today after church for her Mother's Day dinner. I will give her the biggest hug possible! I hope she knows how much I love her. If she doesn't, I'm going to tell her, over and over, until she knows! Thank you mom for loving me always. Despite myself.

Eyes Open, but Brain Closed

Eight a.m. is NOT my friend. I am so very tired and cannot wait to b.s. my way through my map final so I can come home, clean out my car, and go right back to sleep until work! I should work on my teacher final, but I can do that tomorrow after my history quiz before the Temple Trip! Woot for Temple Trips. Having my recommend helps validate that I'm doing something right. May I never, ever, lose it again or let it lapse. Oh well. Must go now. Praying that today will be a much better day than yesterday and that I will be more fruitful in my effort to be Christ-like and patient and compassionate towards those I serve. Thank heavens for breaks and good friends!

Ah Summer....

Not there quite yet, but close enough that the urge to slack has hit HARD!! I only go to history or geography when I have a test. So very sad! I'm kind of nervous about whether I'll pass all my classes or not. I'm dreading my geography grade. All I've really done for that class has been the map tests and the mid-term. I wish he would post grades online so I knew if I even had a chance. On a happier note, I know I'll be passing my teacher course because I've been there all except 5 days and the work is super simple. Just got to get it all to come together for this final project and then I'll be sitting pretty! History will not be so bad because I'm totally prepped for the final! All of the terms defined in mini-essay format ready to be carefully reworded in a little blue book!
Church is going well. Summer time is always so great because all the people who were away at school come home and our branch just grows at an incredible rate! It's so wonderful to have the girls back for the summer! They bring new life! I hope that we'll have a very productive and active and FUN summer!! I've said summer in each of the last three sentences, it's on my brain!! I absolutely love my home teacher - Josh is amazing because he is so consistent! Even as he goes it solo because Benjamin moved back to Utah, he still came this month! It meant so much that he let me hug him! I just needed a hug! (Plus I wanted to know if he'd let me, can't hug a person when you really need to unless you know they'll let you.) Things are just coming along so splendidly!! I really am excited for school to be over and to have some relaxing time (hopefully well spent) this summer. I know that I should take at least one summer school class so that I can get reimbursement for it as well as get ahead of getting into the program. I need to take my CBASE test so that I can get into the program. It's crazy how I switch majors and in one semester I'm ready to go into the program!! It seemed like for nursing I'd never get there! Thank heaven for education! I cannot wait to be a teacher! I wonder if Josh has a lawn mower or if he'll let me borrow it if he has it so I can mow the yard. It's getting long! I'll have to e-mail him or call him and see. I wonder who else might have a lawn mower I can borrow... HMMMMM.....
I miss Institute like CRAZY and just feel so disconnected from it because I've had to miss it so much lately due to saving up preto for all the May activities! I really wish I had Tuesdays off!! Next realignment, no substitutions! I will have Tuesdays and Sundays off! (and Saturdays if I truly go part time and work part time for the COOP!) I really really really want to go work for the Coop and do school-based work again. Being a para was a GREAT job! It just didn't pay near enough for me to survive. I really need to focus on getting signed up for that stuff and wonder if they'd allow me to start later in the fall because realignment won't allow me to go truly part time at T-Mobile until around October :( ... just something to ponder and pray about I guess.
OMG speaking of prayer - I AM A SLACKER!! I go to bed every night and as I get into bed think, I should say my prayers, or Why am I not praying? But then I STILL don't. I don't get myself. I need to just get it done! I was so optimistic in my last post about becoming exhausted for the right reasons and yet I have yet to do those things I said I would!! Grrrr.... Working on myself is a down right dirty job that I am excellent at putting off.... But I really need to start working hard on it. I really do want the results of change, I just need to work on the actual change part. I wish I had a week off of work so I could focus on rearranging a bunch of things and setting up new procedures. I guess it wouldn't do me any good though unless I included work in my routines :( Ugh! Just wish work would go away for a while and that I could live just as a student. Being a responsible adult with bills stinks (if only I had the foresight to prevent myself from becoming what I am today - an in debt-up-to-my-eyeballs slacker with loathing for my job and little motivation to change.)
Oh well.. enough ranting for tonight. Good to get it all out in the open! In the words of Ashley, who I envy because she has changed and who I admire because she has changed - Gii!!

Finding Time

So, I made an important decision after a random realization - the kind you already knew, but hadn't thought aloud to yourself before - I am tired for all the wrong reasons and need to start becoming exhausted the way I used to be. I realized that I was much happier when I was going to school every morning, taking care of real things that mattered between school and work (like homework!), and going to work. I was physically tired, but I was charged with the positive energy of knowing I was accomplishing worthwhile tasks. I, of late, have become exhausted and tired because I am slacking off way too much. I stay up all hours of the night watching meaningless tv shows online, sleeping in way to late in the morning and skipping class, and watching more tv in my downtime between classes. What has happened to me?! Why have I allowed myself to do this to myself?! It is not that I have more to do, I just do not prioritize the way I should be. I sometimes wish I could take some of the responsibility of keeping myself on track off of myself and have like a personal scheduler who would keep me on task, but alas, I need to be accountable for my own actions. I need to get to sleep at a decent hour- schoolwork only permitting, I need to go to class each morning - despite how tired I may be, I need to use my downtime between school and work for worthwhile tasks - like homework assignments or walking the dog, cleaning my room, ect, and I need to remember to get my daily spiritual charge for such tasks as regular morning and evening prayer, daily scripture study, daily study of Preach My Gospel, and daily journal entries -not to be confused with this blog. I need to make sure that my time is being utilized in the most meaningful manner possible, so that when I really am exhausted I know that it is because I have been anxiously engaged in good works and that there is no way I could do more, instead of being because I slept too much or ate too much sugary foods and am slipping into a sugar coma nap. I am deeply impressed that this will bring much more happiness and joy into my life and cannot wait to get with the program. I realize that in order to get into this routine I need to be as proactive as possible and not even allow myself to slack by saying "oh, this will be hard and it will take me a while to adjust." No! I cannot do that because then I am just giving myself an excuse to not perform at the top of my game!! I am going to start tonight! No staying up late to watch tv shows or do anything not worthwhile. I am excited about this and know that it will only do me good! I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father and his loving patience with me as I strive to become a better child. I am forever indebted to my loving Savior, Jesus Christ, and pray that I may be able to take better advantage of the wonderful atonement wrought for me. I pray that by living my life to the fullest in a good way I will be worthy of the companionship of the Comforter and personal revelation to help me through trials and to inspire myself and the sisters who have been placed in my care. I am so grateful for all the blessings I have in my life, particularly my family. Amen.

Whelmed

So, I'm utterly confused. I just don't know how to deal with all this. There are way too many emotions involved. I'm sad, jealous, depressed, lonely, and really really just want to cry. I cannot find out what's wrong. I cannot even accurately describe all this. I feel really strange.
Not really overwhelmed anymore. Not really underwhelmed. Just whelmed. I want someone to hug other than my puppy. I know that a boy won't fix anything, but it'd be nice to have someone. I am slightly jealous that Ashley comes back down to Wichita this weekend, after being gone for a while and get a date. Plus have another guy want her. I am not as spontaneous. I just cannot be that free-spirited. I wish I had answers. I wish I had the strength to be myself. I wish I knew who I was.

Like Quicksand....

so i am struggling. it seems like the more i try to organize things to get things together, the more i fall apart. i feel like i finally understand what my dad and brothers say about letting others do things and not micro managing everything. i find it extremely difficult to relinquish control to others when what they are doing has the potential to reflect back poorly on myself. i sometimes, okay frequently, wish there was more time in the day or more of me so i could do everything. i am so frustrated that i constantly settle for letting myself slack off when i demand so much of myself. i hate myself sometimes. like why did i have to sleep this morning instead of just toughing it out and going to school and the doctor. well, back to work for me.

Aches of the Head

I had a tension headache, that became a migraine, and now after doubling the dosage of migraine medicine and a day later, it is an intermittent headache. It comes and goes, just as painful when it's there as it was as a full blown migraine, but moments of clarity and good feelings. I hate not being able to get rid of it. The doc says I might have to have a CAT scan.... I'm not excited about that possibility... Well, maybe just a little, but only because I want to see what it is like. I just don't understand where the pain is coming from or how to fix it. It seems like the most random things trigger the pain. High pitched noises, really glaring light or single points of light in the dark (like a lightbulb or headlights), closing my eyes too tight. I just do not understand and that scares me. Joseph gave me a blessing, but he said it might not go away right way. I trust that the Lord will take care of me. I just wonder if I'm supposed to endure work through it all, and what about school? That's starts up again Monday. I just want the pain to cease. It feels like someone is squeezing my brain!!

My Heart Runneth Over

Tonight was the adult session of stake conference. I was blown away! I cannot remember the last time I was so spiritually affected in a church meeting. I held back the tears several times, but lost it on my way home. I am so blessed to live in the time that I do. I could just feel the Spirit SO strongly. It wrapped itself around me and hugged me so tight! I had such a confirmation of the divinity of Christ and that Elder Samuelson of the Seventy was His representative. Even thinking about it know my heart is full to bursting and the tears are not far away. I cannot wait till tomorrow to hear more! I feel so privileged and blessed to be able to have a special YSA session with Elder Samuelson in the morning! I'm so excited!! I cannot wait to hear from President Chugg and President Rawson. I love those guys! The whole stake presidency is just made up of amazing men who exemplify the Savior's love for us through their actions and words. I just know that they are truly called of God. I just have such an amazing assurance right now. Such a desire to reach out and to tell others of what I'm feeling in hopes that they will feel it too! I worry though because I know how often I tend to slack off after the moment has passed. I don't fight hard enough to keep the spiritual feelings. I don't put enough time and energy into seeking that true conversion of heart. I feel so blessed and loved, but guilty at the same time. I just want to find a way to dedicate myself to putting more into the work. To being the woman I know Heavenly Father wants me to be. I pray that I might make him proud. I know He loves me, but I want to know that I am worthy of his love. I want to show him how much I love Him through my works here on this Earth. I just can't wait for more conference tomorrow! And in less than a month is General Conference!! I love spring and fall in the church because of conferences!! I pray that I may keep this passion for the Spirit alive in my heart and my mind. I pray that I may know how and when I may share this joy and love with others who are seeking it. I pray that I might be effective in my calling and in touching the lives of the sisters. They mean so much to me. I pray I might be able to control my tears :)

Lazy

I feel like such a slacker!! I haven't gone to class in a whole week now!! Ugh! I have to stop this pattern of laziness!! I know that it's early, but that is just what my schedule is right now - I can't help that I have to be out so late each night because of work. I woke up on time to go paintballing on Saturday, but I couldn't get out of bed today for history and philosophy, again! I'm not liking this trend, I know what happens when I get like this. I just stop caring! I cannot fail these classes! I need to be there, I need to start studying again like I was at the beginning of the semester! I pray each night that I'll get enough sleep and be ready for school in the morning and then I just slap that wonderful night sleep in the face when the alarm goes off by resetting it for two hours later! I'm just going to say that I am non-plussed about my attitude right now. I've been very down on myself and very picky about other people. I just wish I could get my head on straight and my life organized! I know that I have help in Heavenly Father. I wish I would be more humble and let him in. It's like he's peeking through the window and I'm closing the drapes on him. I am so very walking on the side of the path. I need to get on it again. I need to find happiness. I need to find it in myself.

Temporary Home

It is crazy how often songs have lyrics that touch the soul. Carrie Underwood's latest "Temporary Home" is particularly touching. It speaks volumes in Gospel principles. "This is my temporary home, it's not where I belong, just windows and rooms that I'm passing through. This is just a stop to the place that I'm going. I'm not afraid because I know this is my temporary home." Speaks all kinds of good stuff about how life on the Earth is just a probationary state and how we'll go home to our Father in Heaven some day. I just LOVE it! The 3rd verse is particularly keen on that message.
So glad I've switched to country again. I've found that country music is a lot cleaner than regular music. :)

Wanderings

I wish I understood life better. I understand the basic Plan of life and how it is supposed to work, but I sometimes wish I knew for certain things that would happen. I am working towards becoming a better individual. I want to lose some weight and be healthier, while at the same time I get these "munchy munchy" feelings!! I am not strong enough (at least was not tonight) to not go raid the stash of goodies in mom's desk. I want to improve my outward appearance to be more attractive. Mom said "You have so much love to give." It's true. She wants me to focus this year on finding a guy. I kind of do too. After she said that, I didn't want another puppy. It was just a substitute, something to focus my extra love and attention on. I should focus that love on attention on myself and put more effort into improving myself. I've started using teeth whitening strips to help brighten up my smile - also gets me to brush more than once a day. (Hey, I don't have bad breath, but this makes me brush before bed!) I did buy a bunch of frozen meals - mostly lean cuisine and the like to have as dinner at work because it's cheaper than buying food there and generally healthier; smaller portions and not fried! I broke down and ate there today before work started. I need more healthy snacks to carry around with me to much on when I do get snacky. I want to go get my hair done so that it looks better too. I cannot wait to get my new shoes so I can be a knock out in my new dress! I think it is a super cute dress. I'm really excited about Stake Conference! Awesome Saturday evening session (ugh, going to have to see if I can get off work or not trade my whole shift on Tuesday) and then the special meeting on Sunday morning, then general session, then the CES broadcast that evening with a potluck! Such a busy day, but going to be overfed spiritually! AMAZING! I've been trying to be more active in the planning of Relief Society activities and the like. I really need to talk with Jess about her calling. If she's not up to it than I need to find someone who is. I never see her take role and I need that in a secretary. Plus, we badly need to have a presidency meeting... Lots to think about. Tomorrow, during my downtime between school and work I am going to go to Dillons, pick up Nana's other prescription (hopefully she called and fixed the issue with it) and get some superglue and good snacks- use the glue to put the plastic pieces back on my car, clean out my car ENTIRELY!! Nothing in it but the ice scraper and paperwork, vacuum it and possibly take it to get washed. I really need to catch up on homework too!! I'm especially behind in my Intro to the Profession class :( I'm excited that I have found a new friend out of that class. Ryan seems like a really nice guy, but I'm not quite sure he's straight.... LOL - Good thing this is my personal blog and no one will ever read that! I'm not being judgemental, but it is not clear cut with him. Oh well! I could care less either way. Well, almost 2 am and time to get some sleep before Geography in the morning! Gotta prep for another map test soon too! Goodnight self! Be positive and remember your goals in life!

My Rock Collection

I have had a rocky day... I thought it was going to be smooth after running late this morning, having to scrape my windows **i have an ice scraper**, mucking my way through a traffic accident **I have a car**, and barely finding parking at school **I found a spot**. Piece of cake from there right? I was on time to history, took good notes, felt fine about it. Went to Psychology, found out I'm doing alright, got a 4/5 on quiz 1 and a 5/5 quiz 2! Went to Institute on campus and we talked about the Plan of Salvation a little bit (Bishop was late!) **I have institute on campus** - very good insights on why the fall happened and how respected Eve should be. We ran over a tad because we wanted to keep discussing - but plenty of time to get over to my next class. Dropped my bag at my desk with 12 minutes to spare, grabbed my lunch sack and spilled the contents on the room floor- scooped them up and headed for the elevator **I have lunch**. Quickly made my oatmeal (DELICIOUS btw, I forgot how good it could be!) then went back to class. Ate while waiting for class to start. Watched a really good segment of "Boston Public" called Graduation Day which showed how it was all worthwhile being an educator. (That reminds me I need to e-mail in those notes!) Left class 15 minutes early instead of 10 because I knew I had parked further out **exercise!** and I knew we had switched pods today at work so I'd have to get my stuff. Walked briskly into work, bought a pop, signed up for OOH (which didn't happen) **more work = more pay** and found out where we were sitting. Headed to the new pod and dropped my stuff except my dinner bag which I took over to put in the north side refrigerator. Speed walked my way back to the south side to get my headset, pen, paper pad, and feature papers then back to the north side. **more exercise!** Clocked in a minute later **1 min is better than 2** and then rushed to the bathroom **indoor plumbing**. Came back and Jeanetta was an angel and popped my popcorn! Took one 13 minute phone call then went up to exec 1 for a team meeting where we saw our VOC scores and set goals on how to improve them and also set up our IDPs. **team time to work on goals and acknowledge standards and weaknesses** Went back and had a coaching - which actually was me just nesting with Jeanetta for 30 minutes **opportunity to listen to other's skills**. Back on the phones for 30 minutes then lunch **lowered my crt**. Ate at my desk my leftover vegetable lasagna and rolls while finishing off my pop. **food!!** Read Jacob 1-5 (most of 5) and wished I knew more about the significance of everything in the allegory of the olive tree.**I have scriptures whenever I want** Called mom because I thought she worked today (she didn't) and told her I had missed the Towne Hall Meeting today because it was earlier while I was at school, but that I did have a 3 hour long meeting tomorrow - kick off.**new info** Got a score today, just a 3 with a 4 in TR but a 2 in knowledge because I didn't verbalize my VA and did not recap **showed me my weakness**. Had several disappointed looks and words from Charles because I was taking flex pay calls and a couple I didn't know the answer to. **concern for my actions** Was told to go into coaching after my break was over. I wanted to shorten my break to lessen the effect on my CTS, but he said I had to take the full 20, so I sat in break for another 5 minutes **integrity** then sat at his desk. He was not happy at all. I was not happy at all. **growth opportunity** I struggle with consistently doing my VVA and recap. I don't do it willfully or maliciously or with malintent. I just don't do it sometimes. Why?! I don't know... and that is the problem, because if we cannot figure out the root of the issue, the issue will always be around!! After the coaching, which was not at all pleasant, a lot of sad awkward silence, mostly on my part while I pondered internally with much consternation as to why I am such a failure at this, I was set with Yvonne on Jos's team to listen to her VVA **grateful for good example** and then write back to Charles what I was going to do to change my actions. I believe I put my plan into action on every call that I took after that, for the last 1.5 hours of the day. I will do it again tomorrow and the next day until it becomes habitual. I hate feeling like such a failure. I apologized to Charles as I left for the day, but am still kicking myself. Get home and the dog has ripped up the trash again, so I spank her butt and clean it up. I lock myself in my room with her on the other side of the door and I hear her whining. (She hates being alone when I'm home.) I eventually leave because the laptop is running low on battery and I want to look up my tax return stuff. The tax return page is not working, keeps coming up blank. Check a couple other things, like how little my paycheck is going to be **I have a job!** and what bills I still owe (lots).**budget lesson** Wishing I had my tax return or my loan money in. Barely scraping by.**but still fine** Really poor attitude right now... Just really sad. Feel like lashing out and screaming, but then seeing the futility of it just want to ball up and cry. I need a hug, but there are no open arms. **Go back and take every negative and put in a "rock" of how it is a good thing**

Personal Hall of Fame

bishop steinagel read to us tonight in institute about a personal hall of fame. who qualifies to be admitted to that most prestige place in our lives. i instantly thought of my dad. he is a great man. he has taught me so much in life about how to live and what should really matter. my mom, she is a guiding light of positiveness even on her darker days. she stuck with me even when i would not acknowledge her. the prophet gordon b hinckley. i will forever hear his voice in my head as i read his words. the way he spoke and what he spoke stirred my soul like never before. many more, but those three for sure, but the timer on the institute snack is about to go off and i have to close my phone. it makes you think though. who do you look up to and why.

Grateful

I had the opportunity to attend the first temple trip of the year for our branch. It was amazing. I was thrilled to have work work out so perfectly. (Thanks Mom for taking my hours!) I woke up this morning knowing that today was going to be a good day, temple trip days always are. I went to school, completely forgetting that I had a quiz in history (luckily it was a bonus quiz and could not be harmful to my grade.) I think I did well on it. Afterwards was philosophy which is always an interesting thing to ponder on; the different ways people think and how they justify their actions. Right after class was out I went to go pick up Dad from work and take him home. We got some lunch at Subway first - delicious toasted tuscan chicken sandwich! While eating I learned that Pres. Beeson had asked Dad to come along on the Temple Trip to accompany him since Sis. Beeson was busy! I was super excited because this was the first time that I had ever gone to the Temple with my Dad! In fact, Today, I had more family in the temple at one time than I can remember, ever! Joseph, Michael, Dad, & I were all there! Just missing Mom, and Aaron and Jacob. I would really really love, and cannot wait for that day, when I can have my whole family there at the Temple with me.
After changing into my jumper I was sitting on a pew waiting and saw Dad in his Temple clothes. I got teary eyed and had to focus really hard not to break down. I love my Dad SO MUCH!! Seeing him like that made me realize how very soon we might be losing him and how hard that is going to be. I know he'll look exactly like he did today and I will know him. I do not cry because of the sadness, that is a part, but rather I cry because I know, without a doubt, that I will be able to see him again and that our family is forever. I am grateful and they are tears of gratitute to a loving Heavenly Father to give us the marvelous blessing of eternal families. Last time we went with the 7th ward and Joe baptized me I had the same feeling - not as strong, but still there. After we were all done and changed, walking out to the car I held my father's hand and just walked with him. I tried to tell him how I had felt, but felt choked up, ready to burst into tears again. I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR MY FAMILY!! (both earthly & heavenly)

Temple Trips

i love the fact that i just figured out how to blog from my cell phone only problem is no punctuation or capital letters oh this will look odd oh well, ah ha a comma, sweet...... okay today is our temple trip to oklahoma city and i am super excited that i was able to work work out so that i could go. i think there will be a snow storm coming back into town though late tonight when we do get back which will be irksome to deal with, but whatever, it is all for the greater good and quite honestly i would gladly face any waether to be able to visit the temple. i am so excited for the one that is going to be built in or near kansas city. i have heard rumor that our area will be assigned to it. today will be a most amazing day, but at the moment it is time for philosophy. sad face.

Fire Insurance.... or lack there of

I am not a full tithes payer. I'll put it right out there because I know that I don't and there is no since in sinning more by lying and saying that I do.
I get really stressed out about money. There never seems to be enough. I wish that I had been smarter and not buried myself into this pile of debt that now waits to crush me. I wish there had not been unexpected expenses or costly car maintenance that was not urgent but necessary all the same (new tires, suspension, ect.)
The problem is, deep down I know that if I just pay my tithing, everything else will work out fine. I just do not have a strong enough faith to act that way. I'm so worried about paying everyone else, that I try to justify my actions, in vain unfortunately. Every time I see someone else hand over a tithing envelope or see the envelopes on the wall I know that I should be doing the same or filling one out... I wish I wasn't such a coward. I want to be strong. I know it is right.
I'm going to do it. I know it is right and I know that if I pay my tithing everything else will work out someway. I'll go back to eating PB&J more often, but my tithing will be paid. I might get a late payment fee from my card company, but my tithing will be paid. I may have to ask to pay some things later to others, but my tithing will be paid.
I hope I feel this sure on Friday when I get paid. I pray that I will.

**sigh**

I have an extremely rebellious will. I'm like a little child who doesn't do what she's told just because she was told to do it and would gladly do the opposite just to be obstinate. I don't get it. I still feel really lost.

Three a.m. - New Year's Resolution

I have a loss of emotions right now. Well, not exactly, but it felt almost right to type. I feel lots of things, but nothing specific except maybe confusion. I just can't figure it out. I need to figure it out. I DO believe so many things and want to believe so many others - to have a firm testimony of them. I am scared though. Scared I might not be strong enough to get there, not strong enough to stay the course, not brave enough to forsake things.
I haven't prayed in a while. A long while. I don't remember why I stopped, but every night before I go to sleep I think - even if only briefly - I should pray, but then I don't. It's not like it is a hardship to get down on my knees and pray. I don't usually do it on my knees. Usually cross-legged on my bed. Plus, I gave in. I was not strong enough. I was so weak. I know He loves me and would forgive me, but I feel so bad asking for forgiveness for something that I cannot promise with 100% surety that I will never do again. Isn't that the purpose of repentance, to forsake the sin? Isn't it written that those who sin knowingly, saying it is all right because we can repent, are damned or something of that nature? I think it does. I tremble on the inside hearing that verse because I know I've thought that before.
I will NEVER believe that my Heavenly Father doesn't love me and that it is too late for me. Those feelings that I am unworthy of His love and that I am a failure are not coming from Him. It's like a warm fuzzy blanket around my heart, His love. It squeezes me until tears gather at the corner of my eyes, threatening to fall until at last they run.
I WILL ALWAYS BELIEVE THAT MY HEAVENLY FATHER LOVES ME. I WILL NEVER EVER DOUBT THAT. I WILL SAY MY PRAYERS VOCALLY & IN MY HEART ALWAYS. I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON MYSELF. I will not give up on myself because I know that there is a way prepared for me. I just need to find the path again through this mist, grasp the guiding rod, and never, ever let go again.